Advice for a parent with a first child in college?

Question

My eighteen year old son started college a few weeks ago. He and I were always very close and shared the same quirky sense of humor. My husband and I are now home with our fifteen year old daughter, a high school freshman. I miss him terribly, and he has told me in so many words that I bug him too much. I called him on his cell every few days to see how he was doing. I did promise to back off as my husband also felt I was hovering too much. I just want to know he's ok, and I like touching bases with him. I have however quit calling him. Anyone have any advice on how to deal with the separation? I want to hear from college students in regard to what they appreciated and did not appreciate from their parents. I also want to hear from other parents on how they dealt with the anxiety of not knowing how things are going for their child. He is by the way, a VERY responsible eighteen year old, very bright and has never given us a moments grief.

Answer 1

Oh my goodness, my mom was the same way. When I went to college at 18, which was about 5 1/2 years ago, my mom called me every single day, 4 or 5 times a day. She was very hoversome, but I was very homesick, but as I gained independence I told my mama that I needed a little space. And she did back off, but to this day she is still my best friend. You need to pat yourself on the back and say job well done on raising such an ambitious son. Just pray that God will protect him, make wise decisions, and that he will stay focused to graduate. Just keep encouraging him. It seems hard cuz you are used to him being around, but remember he's becoming a man and that he will do some things that will have you worried, but he's just growing up making his own decisions. He's becoming a MAN. Let him do that. You will be glad you did. That's what builds a strong adult, don't give him advice unless he asks. Keep praying him, mom, he'll be okay!

Answer 2

I am currently a college student and serve as an ambassador for my school. I attend several college orientation days and interact with new freshmen and their parents frequently. My advice to you is to not be a "helicopter parent". That means that you shouldn't hoover around your son. Calling him everyday is unacceptable. Don't try to pick his classes, call his teachers, or ask bug him about if he's eating right and doing his homework. When students get to college, they want to experience the freedom that comes with it. Having your mom check in everyday is annoying.

I know it is hard, especially when you are close with your son. My mom and I were very close when I left for school. Instead of her calling me though, she let me do the calling. I think you should let your son actually want to call you. If you don't hear from him after a few weeks, call him.
You can also send care packages every so often. College kids love getting mail (especially when they aren't credit card bills!). Send some cookies, a video game or dvd, batteries, etc. You could send a note, but don't make it too mushy - that's embarrassing.

Good luck, and don't worry so much. From what you've said, he seems like a good son and will continue to do well.

Answer 3

Speaking as a college graduate and an only child, I know that it was hard for my mother when I went away to school, but she understood that in addition to classes, this was my first time "on my own" and I was often consumed with school work and the socializing that goes on in college--its often overwhelming as a freshman to arrive on a campus and meet so many people so fast, all from different states and areas with mutual interests whereas during high school, you meet new people at a much slower pace and not generally from so many different places.

We had a set day that we spoke on the phone---it was my responsiblilty to call her (this way, I was prepared to talk on the phone, and was in a better mood than if she called me and I was in the middle of writing a paper, etc). I never missed a phone call.

My college also had parents weekend once each semester, where there were campus activities for students and their families.

Pick out some dates (after confirming with your son to make sure there aren't any major tests or papers that he is in the middle of preparing for--most profs give their students a syllabus with such things clearly written on them) and set up some visits with your son. Homecoming weekend might be a good time.

Also, maybe email or mail---I loved receiving the occassional pack of cookies from my mom, along with a nice letter and articles from the local newspaper that she thought would interest me.

Good luck and I am sure that your son loves and appreciates you--college is a big change for everyone and often, college students get so caught up in the newness of the experience that they sometimes forget its a big change for you too. Good luck!

Answer 4

Try the once a week thing on the phone calls, same time same day so he knows to expect you and can let you know if something comes up. However, you do not say anything about emailing him. I must assume that he has email at the school. Email as much as you want, that way he can delete or not as is his option. It is easy to spend 30 seconds replying to an email with Yeah mom great idea or no I don't want to etc. then it is hanging up on someone. Let him get home sick then you will be the one complaining that he calls to much.

Answer 5

STOP CALLING HIM!!!
nothing bothers most kids more than parents who incessantly call them. though you have stopped already, call him once a week or once every 10 -15 days or so. just make it casual, not what;d you do, how's school, get a new girlfriend etc etc. let him be. this is the time where he needs to figure things out on his own. should he encounter something he needs advice on, he;ll surely call you. he's a big boy now and it's time you start treating him like one. in place of calling him, send him cards or random care packages to him with homemade goodies in them and such. lets him know you're still there, just not there you know? he's experimenting and getting a whole new perspective on life, without you or dad. let him mingle as he wants to and learn appropriately.

and DO NOT refocus all your pent up attachment onto your daughter which is what most parents do in your situation. do this and you'll have a college bound daughter that WILL NOT want to talk to you again.

Answer 6

When I was in college I called my mother once a week. We were very close and we missed each other terribly, but I needed to grow up and be independent. Set up a regular convenient call time when he calls you to let you know how he is doing. Sunday afternoon or something like that. Calling him on his cell phone all the time in front of his friends can be a little embarrassing. I also loved getting letters and packages. Each one would inspire a phone call to the sender.

Answer 7

I suggest you do as your father requests, and present to him a list of your thoughts. If you explain your concerns, you just might bring up ideas that he also has in his heart. You can discuss them together. Some people (like your mother) don't know how to respond to opposition because their faith feels threatened when questioned. Maybe, you're not truly an atheist, who is a nonbeliever, but an agnostic, who questions. Anyway, only you decide how you will live, and believe, and what is most important to you.