When to tell the child?

Question

Me and my husband are expecting our first child together in about 3 months ( a little girl) but this is his second child...also a girl....she is 5...the mother or grandma of his daughter has said not to tell her cause she was already asking questions about babies....when her aunt was pregnant...so my question is....should we or my husband go ahead and tell her so she is prepared for this? I just don't want it to be a big surprise to her when she comes over for a weekend and she has a baby sister....and i think she would be excited to find out that she is going to have a baby sister!

Answer 1

You should definitely tell her. I think she's plenty old enough to find out. Of course, you're not going to tell her every detail.

Answer 2

It is understandable why mom and grandma are dodging the "where do babies come from" question, however, you'd be doing a diservice to your step-daughter if you don't tell her until after the baby comes. It is important to remain a "team" when families are divided, and the best interest of the child is the most important objective - therefore, my advice would be:

1) Talk to mom and grandma about what they feel would be an age-appropriate explanation of where babies come from. There are several articles/books/ideas on this topic (and on the internet), but since she is 5, keep in mind that she should know some (very limited) things, but not everything. Depending on how religious you are, you can incorporate your religion into the explanation (mommy and daddy prayed for a special angel and God is giving us one). No matter what, make sure that you are all on the same page about what to say and what to leave out.

2) Divided families often cause emotional and psychological stress on children, even when they appear to be functioning "normally". If you complicate that with new family members, expect that your step-daughter may have some acting out. She may not, but be prepared to give her extra love and attention. Again, the most important thing is how she is feeling and what she is thinking about this. You can help guide her thoughts and emotions by having ready made answers and 'special' time for just her. It is a good idea to incorporate her as a helper if she naturally enjoys helping as well.

3) Don't put too much pressure on you or your husband to make sure that everyone else is okay with you having a baby together. I don't know the circumstances of the relationships (with you or his ex), but be prepared that there might be some resentment or jealousy - or even fear that your husband will spend less time with their child. Do your best to offer love and a safe and affectionate environment for all the children in your home, and eventually the adults will get things figured out.

Congratulations on such happy news and good luck to you.

Answer 3

I would like to say Congratulations to you, and I think you should let big sister know she is having a baby sister, a little precious playmate, someone she will enjoy being around. I wouldn't wait and tell her when the baby is born and is here in this world.

On the other hand, You have to know what question was she asking her aunt when she was pregnant? She may want a baby brother or sister, if you don't know the questions she had asked find out, and if you already know then sit her down and let her know that you are bringing a new life into the world and it is her baby sister. Congratulations again!!!

Answer 4

That is something that needs to be decided between you and your husband. There is nothing wrong with any child asking about babies, etc. You just need to decided when its appropriate to tell them the truth. Not involving children can be disasterous. It causes jealousy. Excluding her is only going to make her feel left out. If she is part of your family, then she needs to be inluded no matter what.
I have 2 older step kids, and I wasn't sure about letting them in on my first, and when the matter was taken out of my hands by my husband, I was surprised to see them actually get excited about it. The bigger issue came afterwards. They wanted to be involved, and I thought my son was too small for them to really help, but I soon discovered this was also faulty. I didn't want them to become jealous of the new baby, and think I was more concerned with him than I was them. It was all about balanced. I am 8 months pregnant with my 2nd, and my first is nearly a year and a half. I honestly didn't think he would even be able to understand, so I never did anything until about 7 months old, when he began to try to climb up me using my growing belly. I really began to show him what babies were, and told him there was one in my belly. I still didn't think he understood. The other day at the store, he was busy flirting with the lady at the checkout counter, and suddenly pointed at my belly and said 'baby'.
The point is....children are not stupid. They are not blind. They are incredibly sensitive to what is going on, but have a harder time comprehending the changes. If you exclude them, then yes, they are going to have a much harder time adjusting and you will find a child with a very negative attitude on your hands.
Its all about balance.
Make it exciting for her. Include her in the activities when she is around. She will learn to be happy about it, not left out, and you might just find an eager little helper who loves her sister.
Good luck!

Answer 5

Definitely tell her----and as much as possible, try to involve her in things, like the sonogram and such. I agree that she will most likely be very excited to find out she is going to be a big sister. And if she starts asking questions, you and your husband can decide what is the best avenue to take with her. For example with my nephew---he was 7 when his mom had twins. He never asked where the babies came from or how they got in there, but he wanted to know how they were going to come out? She explained the doctor would have to cut a small hole for the babies to come out---which worked out well because she had to have a C-section anyway. It's normal for her to be asking questions if she's getting exposure to pregancy. It's a great time for bonding and learning for her. Good luck & congrats!

Answer 6

Your husband needs to talk to his ex about this. His daughter deserves to know that she's getting a little sister, and I find it odd that they won't tell her because she was already asking questions about babies. Why not tell her where babies come from? People are sexual beings from birth, there's no sense in hiding sexuality because you think kids are "too young" to hear about where babies come from. There's no need to go into graphic detail about sex, but telling them that the stork brings them is insane. Sorry, I know it's not you, I just get irritated when people can't be comfortable enough with their own sexuality to explain it to their kids when asked. These are the reasons why this board is filled with uneducated questions by kids who don't know anything. *sigh*
Anyway, back on topic - Your hubby needs to explain to the ex that you can't hide a baby from the daughter forever, and that if mom doesn't want to answer the "where do babies come from" questions, then you two will. Be honest, but don't be graphic. A good book written for kids about this subject is "It's So Amazing" by Robbie Harris. I swear by this book, it's a great way to help teach kids about sex, babies, and even genetics. I've read it to my kids, and I recommend it to everyone. If your step daughter still has questions that the book didn't answer, then answer them. There is nothing wrong with being educated. And this will help lay the groundwork for healthy attitudes toward sex later in life. I don't envy your position at all, but I wish you and your hubby the best of luck with this.

Answer 7

You should tell her. It's better that she knows and is prepared to have a sister. Many kids are acually excited to have a new sibling. As for them telling you not to tell her, it's natural for a child to question these things. All children are curious and they're going to ask questions about babies(hence the "stork" story), but that doesn't mean you have to hide the fact that she's going to be a sister.

Answer 8

You should have told her months ago! this is part of her life too and you want to make it as easy on her as possible. she is going to have to share her daddy now. You and your husband should sit down with her asap and let her know. Then make her feel involved, let her pick out an outfit for the baby or a toy something. Tell her it is big sister day.

Answer 9

oh heck ya! if the sister is a surprise, your step-daughter may have a hard time adjusting. tell her, quickly, and then spend time letting her get used to the idea. reassure her that you love her and will still spend time with her. talk about all the things that will happen with a new baby, and assure her she'll be a great big sister.

Answer 10

i think you should tell her. It is your husbands decision on when would be a good time to tell her. I think you and him should tell her together when he feels its the right time, but I wouldnt wait until the baby was born. I would tell her right away. I cant believe you guys have waited this long.