Is she after my husband or am I imagining things?

Question

A woman that both my husband and I know from a few years back and were friends with, along with her husband has been recently widowed (her husband died late last year) is now calling my husband on a regular basis.

It all started about 4months ago when she started working at a small cafe he went to occasionally for lunch during work. She ended up losing that job and due to money problems had to move. Feeling bad for her he has also done a few small things to help her out like replacing a bad faucet. (He does this for others too.).But since then she calls him with all kinds of excuses to get him to come over.

Last night she called, let it ring once and then hung up, then didn't answer the phone when he called back. So, he went over to see what she wanted. She said she was depressed so he invited her over to play cards with us (as he's done many times) but she refused, and I feel as if she's avoiding me. I trust my husband, that's not the issue. But what do I do about her?

I didn't have room, but I say I trust my husband in this because he tells me when she calls and what she said. He plays voice messages from her for me and I have free access to his phone. Also, when he does go to see her it's only for 5 or 10 min. and he always tells me where he was. Plus he isn't the least bit uncomfortable with me being being around her, in fact he's told her she should visit with me many times. It is her that seems to be uncomfortable around me. If I see her around I will start over to speak with her but she pretends that she didn't see me when I know she did. Or she'll just give a small wave and go the other way.

Answer 1

I recommend taking control of the situation. Express your concern to your husband, and ask him how to resolve the situation in a more way that is more favorable to your family.

Answer 2

You said you Trust your husband Right? You have to imagine your friend is feeling a pretty big loss. Does she have other male friends? If not your husband may help to lessen her missing her husband. This does not mean its sexual .She is not ready for a relationship or dating, but needs some interaction with males. I can understand why you would be uncomfortable with this,your husband probably would too. You must know she needs support,both you and he should try to help her out. Keep an eye on the situation and if it seems to be becoming misguided then if you must put an end to it ,do so.Again if she has other male friends that could be there for her, your husbands role is less important. If not cut her a little slack, talk to him and have the goal be to ease out of that role. If she's a friend you must want to help,right?

Answer 3

There are several different ways you could take this. First you need to determine if she is a threat. Is she good looking? Hot body? Does her personality lend itself to a great time, (i.e. fun exciting etc)?

Second, does she have a morals issue? When her husband was alive did she respect her marriage and the marriages of others?

Third, is your husband doing okay? Is the quality of your sexual life good? Or do you guys have any "problems"?

Your friend is obviously lost and confused from her recent loss. She might (like a swimmer in trouble...grab for help and push under another swimmer in an effort to stay above the water) reach out for your husband in an effort to "keep her head above the emotional water".

To do this she can enlist the "Vortex of the victim" and later the "Vortex of outstanding sex" to accomplish this. NOw this isn't a conscious effort on her part. But women have been indoctrinated to use the vortexes thoughout life. She could be desprate and panicky. At that point she'll do almost anything to stay afloat!

Advice. "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer". Seek out your friend and engage her as a friend. Get her help...do things with her. Your primary goal will be to keep her occupied with you and not your husband! Try and find her a new man for her. Get her on the internet...chruch groups etc. But lining her up with a new man would be a good course of action. Besides you would be doing her a great favor. She's obviously in need of companioship.

Good luck

Answer 4

Have a heart to heart talk with her, tell her how you feel and that if she needs a friend you'll be there but your husband you are putting limits on, you can do this in a humorous way, get her laughing and your point across at the same time.

If she were any kind of a friend then she wouldn't be doing this to you! and maybe she doesn't even realize what she is doing and that is why you need to talk to her! Ask her how she would feel if she were in your shoes!

You're also going to have to tell your husband that it is time she goes on with life and make new friends and that he can not jump everytime she calles him - If he backs off and doesn't make himself so ready available then she will! (and if she doesn't then put your foot down even harder!) From now on when he goes there to fix things and comfort her you need to go, do not allow him to go by himslef no more, even if you do trust him - let her know you are there and are always going to be! As his wife and as her friend. That is why it is important to talk to her and get your feelings out if you hold them in it may get worse before it gets any better. Good luck!

Answer 5

It is really nice that you trust your husband, and that you don’t consider that to be an issue.
I might just say though, that you trusting your husband, does not necessarily mean that he can be trusted.

I have one concern about what you wrote…
You mentioned that she let the phone ring ‘once’ then hung up.
Your husband then rang her, but didn’t get an answer.
Why, if she didn’t answer her phone, did your husband go to see her?
It seems to me that if she rang and then hung up, and then didn’t answer the phone, then it should have suggested that she didn’t want anything.

Maybe I just have a suspicious mind, but I am very wary about people who let the phone ring once, and then hang up. It sort of makes me think that it is perhaps a ‘code’ that she and your husband had organised….
“I’ll let you know when it is alright for you to come over. I’ll ring you up, but to make sure your wife doesn’t answer the phone, I’ll just let it ring once then hang up!”

I sincerely hope that there is nothing going on between your husband and the other woman. I do suggest however that you keep an open mind, and not allow yourself to be blinded by the trust that you feel for your husband.
If things don’t feel right, it is probably because they aren’t !!!

Answer 6

What can you do about her? Nothing. What can you do about the scenario? Trust your husband. Widow is just seeking attention and or a male companion. Your husband seems like a caring, compassionate person. Don't let her take advantage, trying to play up any situation to get him over there. You are both encouraged to lend a helping hand or listening ear, but provide realistic assistance. Talk to her about the worsening behaviors. Encourage her to seek psychological help in dealing with her feelings of lonliness.

Answer 7

You need to confront this woman.Despite the loss she has suffered.Your husband has been a friend to her in hard times and people sometimes mistake this as something else.It may be a case where your husband may not even realize it and this is where the danger may lie.Make sure to put him on his guard and keep a watchful eye out.You could also try inviting her out in the company of other males and see what happens.Because she has lost a loved one does not mean that her life is over.

Answer 8

I think this woman is overstepping her boundaries. There's only so much you and your husband can do. She should join a support group for widows if she is still this "needy". I understand it's a terrible thing to lose your husband but she has to understand that he's "your husband". Don't get me wrong, invite her over once in awhile but your husband needs to stop rescuing her every time she calls. Have a serious talk with your husband and tell him how you feel. If he respects you he will understand.

Answer 9

It's not what you should do but what your husband should do. I know she is in a bad place, but she misses her husband. She is finding some sort of void with your husband. Your husband needs to be the one to talk to her and put a stop to it. Let her know he will help her, but that he does have his own family to think about. If you do it then you come across as the jealous wife.

Answer 10

She sounds like she is terribly lonely and seriously confused. I would not be surprised if she wanted your husband to touch her, etc, but probably not to hurt you, but just because she is hurting deeply. BUT, you need to protect your interests. Maybe try to find someone decent to show her some attention. She just sounds desperate to me, not mean or evil.

A good way to determine your husbands loyalty to you in all of this is to tell him you are mad as hell and that you're going to confront her about it. if he gets really defensive or tries to talk you out of it and he's nervous acting, then he may already be boning her. The truth is, a woman in that situation is an easy piece. And us men are weaker than you women when an easy piece comes along.

Answer 11

Yep i think she's playing the pitty me card on your husband to try and get him in the sack. Although your husband is being very open and honest with you about the whole issue i would tell him that its time to stop trying to help her unless evrytime he has to go to her house for something or do something with her that u get to come along too, u may not want to go but i would because if she's just in it to get into your man's pants if u show up along with him everytime she needs something then the point would get across to her that no he's not going to sleep with her and that yes he's only around to help her when she need's it. If u ruin the chances of her thinking she might get her way then odds are she would stop!