I have a bad feeling about this. There's a girl whom I thought she is the one that I would want to share my life forever. But at the beginning of our relationship she made a confession about herself and told me that she has been raped by his ex boyfriend when she was at the college. I thought that i can deal with it but now i am suffering about the situation when i think about it. Virginity has been an important thing for me since I have thought about marriage. Sometimes i can not accept the situation and if I broke up with her then i will miss my chance to live a happy life and maybe i will be an a**hole from her point of view. I get really angry like the most valuable piece have been robbed from me. If I see the man who raped my love I would really want to kill him. What should I do? I really want to marry her without any thoughts on my mind. Somebody help me!
2006-09-05 03:10:53 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I do understand that sometimes people are consumed by feelings even when they know the feelings are not the best ones to have. You didn't necessarily ask to feel this way, and would like to be free of these obsessive thoughts about your gf's virginity.
Attitude is going to make the difference... an attitude of concern for your gf rather than for yourself.
When I read your post, I see a bunch of things about how her rape has impacted you... and nothing really about how it impacted her. Every reason you give for trying to work through this is about alleviating your own suffering:
* I had wanted to marry a virgin!
* If I blow her off, I miss MY chance for a happy life.
* Maybe she (& others) will think I'm an ******.
* I am entitled to take my woman's virginity.
* I want to kill the man who "stole" this from me.
See what I mean? EVERYTHING you've talked about is you, you, you. How you feel. What you've lost. How you've been robbed.
Meanwhile, your girlfriend has been raped, and was honest and open enough to tell you about it early on. She no doubt already feels like "damaged goods" and, to be honest, you're not doing much to change that terrible feeling.
Yeah, the guy who did this to her is a scum and deserves to be punished appropriately... but that's a side issue compared to how THIS relationship is going to proceed.
Do you care about and love this woman, for real? If so, start looking at things from her viewpoint and let yourself experience the shame, sadness, and fear she no doubt experiences because of what happened to her. Be there for HER.
You weren't robbed -- your *girlfriend* was. She's still the same wonderful woman you've been dating, and this is your opportunity to show her real love and build something honest and meaningful with her. You need to be on her side, not against her.
Getting rid of the thoughts will happen as you stop thinking about yourself and focus more on the hurt she's feeling.
2006-09-05 05:27:46 · answer #1 · answered by Jennywocky 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Most importantly forget that she ever told you this to begin with, sounds like an excuse for some other hidden reason that you might not want to marry her. Most women have been raped or violated sexually at least once in their life! Some heal well others don't. Do nothing but move on and forgive the person that did that to her, if she had not experienced what she has she would not be the person she is, you need to support her and let it go and don't ever bring it up ever again, if she does listen and comfort her, answer her if you're asked questions and say nothing more. It changes nothing unless you let it! Don't make a big deal out of nothing! It was in the past and should be left there it will not effect anything of your future. Let it go!
2006-09-05 03:31:36 · answer #2 · answered by sophia_of_light 5 · 1⤊ 1⤋
I imagine it's scary to face life alone as a single mom of five. I can tell you of a woman who did though..... MY MOTHER. She was married to my father and had five children. My father was at first a really good dad, until we got to know the REAL him. He would hit, belittle and degrade my mother. Never knew when it would happen and we all lived in fear of him. Mom may have told dad he was being too strict with my brother, asked dad where he's been, or maybe burn his dinner. Anything could set him off. My oldest sister would gather us up when Mama was going to be hurt and we would be in the next room listening. No t.v. Or radio could deafen the sounds of my fathers roar and my Mother's screams. To hear the sound of skin being slapped, bones hitting the wall and the muffled cry of your Mother has to be one of the most Painful thing a child can endure. My Mother had nowhere to go (she was from Europe) and knew hardly anyone. There came a day when she "ran interference" and believe me, your children's day is coming too. She fought like a wild woman until the neighbor came over. She had my father arrested, she packed our bags and called a friend of a friend in California (we were in New York) to come and get us. Since it was domestic violence and battery, she was granted permission by the court to leave the state. This was forty years ago. She raised us alone. She was the best and most courageous woman I will ever know. My father was not interested in us enough to come see us but was forced to pay child support. MOM WORKED HARD, SHE TAUGHT US THAT NOBODY DESERVES ABUSE! Why don't you end the cycle now? If a woman with five children did this forty years ago ALONE, why can't you? Having a man in your life that'd decent is nice but shouldn't your number one goal be to protect your children? They are most certainly being abused even if he hasn't hit them YET.
2016-03-26 22:54:59 · answer #3 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You should break up with her today and let her find someone deserving of her love and enough of a man to help her through any trauma she may experience by being physically raped by one man and screwed over by you!!
"i am suffering about the situation when i think about it"
You're suffering? She was subjected to complete violation by someone and you're suffering.
In case you don't understand, when she decides to give herself sexually to someone for the first time, that's when she'll truly lose her virginity. Just because her hymen was broken when someone RAPED her doesn't mean she's not a virgin. You can lose your hymen from sports activities, horse riding, etc.
http://www.coolnurse.com/hymen.htm
"I really want to marry her without any thoughts on my mind."
That doesn't seem like it would be a problem in your case since you appear to be THE MOST THOUGHTLESS PERSON ALIVE.
My prayers and thoughts are with your girlfriend.
2006-09-05 06:38:01 · answer #4 · answered by Canadian_mom 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your focus is really off. Well you should be thinking about how she feels. if you love her like you say than you should feel for how she is hurting inside (she is weather she admits it or not) The woman you love has been Rapped not ramped sex with an ex if you do not know the difference than you have to see you are not for her because the man for her will see that she needs love and affection completely and someone to help her through the tough times. It seems to me that your echo is more what is controlling your heart than your love for your Bride. What your girlfriend went through was traumatic and some stole from her but you are more concerned about who got to be in her first (sorry but true) you need to step back and look at this for what it is and see councilor as well. you might also have a bad notion of sex if you believe that being rapped and making are love are even in the same solar system.
2006-09-05 03:22:37 · answer #5 · answered by Florida Dawn 13 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Look she told you and that in it self shows you she is honest. Something happened before you. Get over it. You can be supportive to her and have a great life together. As for her boyfriend that raped her. You will always have bad feelings about him but I am sure you two wont be inviting him over.
The past is over and you can not change it. You can be supportive of her in her needs. You don't have to be a jerk and dwell on it.
If you love her then go with your heart. The past should be left in the past.
2006-09-05 04:41:52 · answer #6 · answered by Mit 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Your just as bad as the rapist at this point, sorry but true.. Ur willing to punish her again for something she couldnt control, something that "happened" to her not something she asked to happen to her, He didnt rob anything from u, he robbed her of her life, soul, and selfesteem cause she will never be the same person that she once was cause of him.. and the only person robbing your life of what u want, is yourself, no one else.. Dont u realize that although he had "intercourse" with her through force.. that u'd be the first one to make love to her so u would be the first..??????? I think ur a selfish idiot and she deserves better then someone who is willing to judge their love based on something she trusted u with , she didnt "have" to tell u but she did.. and now ur willing to use it against her.. This didnt happen to u, it happened to her, how many times does she have to be punished for it?????????? I hope u do leave her, cause as much heartache it will bring to her, she deserves a man that loves her no matter what, not a man that puts conditions on his love for her..
2006-09-05 03:19:28 · answer #7 · answered by brwneyedgrl 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
you place way too much importance on virginity .... in any case, she would no longer be a virgin after the wedding night if she was one at that time.
if you truly love this woman, treat her with great tenderness and care. keep in mind that she was not a willing participant and that it was her who was robbed, not you. if you really feel so strongly about her lack of maidenhead, then perhaps you are not mature enough to accept the gift of love that she is offering you. if you think it is difficult for a virgin to make love the first time, it is even more difficult for a rape victim to engage in sex without having occasional flashbacks to that brutal event. if you have love to give, and make no mistake that love is a gift, not something that one has to earn, then let your love for this woman consume your desire for some ridiculous archaic token of purity. in other words, you are placing way too much importance on it. don't let your anger consume you. anger has no place in love. take it from me, virginity is overrated ... i have never had sex with a virgin in my entire life. and i was happily married for 20 years
grow up.
2006-09-05 03:23:20 · answer #8 · answered by casurfwatcher 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I can understand why you are upset since someone did violence to someone you care about a great deal, but it is sounding like you are somehow blaming her for what happened. Did it ever occur to you how difficult it was for your girlfriend to tell you this? Have you taken ANY of her feelings into account in your reactions? If you break up with her over this fact you are the biggest assh_le who ever walked the face of the planet. Grow up and while you are at it get over your hangup about virginity.
2006-09-05 03:17:54 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
you need to get past it, as she never will....she is the one who was truley robbed...not you! You be the man she needs and except the fact that yes she was raped and yes it has changed her life..she can love....trust me. I was raped as a child and I did tell my husband about this...He loves me as it never happen, never brings it up, and never pushes me for anything sexual...it takes time but intime she will heal, but remember she will always be haunted by this...So just love her for who she really is!!
2006-09-05 03:17:36 · answer #10 · answered by baseballmommy 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋