I plan to have a baby in a few years time, but my fella does not....?

Question

want children, should I go to the sperm bank or move on?

For the record, I would never have a child with someone who did not want to have children, I am not forcing him, but I think he needs to realise that I will try & meet someone else.

Answer 1

A sperm bank is not the answer. And, if your fella does not want children, you would be making a huge mistake if he should ever feel pressured into starting a family he doesn't want. There is a chance he would not make a good father for your child and it could even cause a split between the two of you leaving your child fatherless and you a single parent. That's not a good solution for you or the child. Then again, once he sees the baby, his own flesh and blood, he might turn out to be the "Father of the Year"! It's a gamble. Are you willing to wait around and risk it? Or are you willing to live a fantasy dream hoping one day he might change his mind? Best thing to do if you want a family is to move on. Not all men, or women as far as that goes, are cut out to be family people. Find a man that does dream of having his own family. I would also suggest finding a man that would want a WIFE and family. If you're good enough to have his baby you're good enough to carry his name.

Answer 2

A lot can change in a few years. He may decide when he's a bit older that he does want children.

Or, he may have made his decision and he may stick to it - women often seem to want children a lot more than men do and it may be that he doesn't and will never see himself as the father-type.

I would strongly advise against 'tricking' him into having a child with you, because if he is that strongly against it, it may split you up.

I would also advise against giving any sort of an ultimatum, which it sounds like you're doing by letting him know that you'll go looking elsewhere, as again that isn't the way to keep a man and make him want to have children with you.

At the end of the day, you need to think about what's important to you. But remember, just because you want something in the future doesn't mean you have to sacrifice your current happiness for it.

Answer 3

My husband didn't want children either (in fairness neither did I) but, when I got pregnant I was sure he was going to leave. He didn't. I wouldn't go to a sperm bank If he doesn't want children it would most likely end the relationship anyways if you did. Just give it some time by the sounds of it you are talking about your future. Give it time, he might come around and if not then maybe you are not ment to be with him!

Answer 4

he might change his mind in a few years.

But if you're not willing to take that risk and possibly waste years of your life, then move on and find someone with the same goals as you. Whether or not to have children is very central to a relationship.

And no don't go to the sperm bank - i'm sure if your bloke doesn't want his own child he wont want anyone else's either!

Answer 5

There are a few things to take into consideration. Firstly your age (and his) If you are 17 and 19 (for example) then don't move on if you really like him. Things WILL change in 5 or 6 years and if your positions are still firm at that point, then you have plenty of time to meet someone.

If this guy isn't your soulmate/truelove and you are in your mid 20s then sure, end it now, or just stay with him until Mr Right drops into your life.

Answer 6

I would wait and see. My husband never wanted children, but knew I did, knowing this hurt me and I couldn't leave him as I love him so much. Christmas 2004, he surprised me and asked me to come of the pill and we now have a beautiful 6 month old baby boy and he does not regret having him in the slightest. He doesn't want a second, but I believe that in a few years he will.
I think with men it's not a case of not wanting a baby, it's more they are scared of becoming fathers because it is such a huge responsibility, and I don't mean this as a dig at men. Men enjoy their freedom and the thought of losing this scares the hell out of them.

Answer 7

If you want children and he doesn't, it's not going to work out. Having a child with a person who spells out that children are not an option for them in the beginning is a recipe for trouble. If you compromise you wants to be with him, resentment will eventually surface and the ending would be awful.......you need to think about how important he is to you....is he really worth you giving up your dream to have children when there are so many men out there who would love to become fathers?

Answer 8

its quite likely that your fella will want children in a few years time too he just hasn't decided yet and perhaps a bit frightened. He also is likely to change his mind the more he sees how much you want children, sometimes men worry about strange things so you may need to talk to him about what is putting him off having children in a few years.
If he doesn't want children ever than you need to move on otherwise you will resent him later on in life for not giving you the things you really desire.

Answer 9

If it is important to you then you will need to find someone else that DOES want to have kids. But you may be surprised that your mate may change his mind as you are together longer. Maybe talk to him and find out the reasons why. Maybe he feels he's too young or that you guys aren't ready for one. If it's more serious like he hates kids or had a traumatic childhood and can't bear to bring one into existence then you better not waste anymore time. You have to have similar goals for your relationship to work. Good luck!

Answer 10

If you're going to have a child have it with the one you're going to marry not dating or ingaged to, if you have a child before you tie the knot he can just walk away from you leaving you with the kid and if you go to the sperm bank he has no parental right to the kid so he doesn't have to give child support money. I say find another guy who's willing to commit and marry you then think about having a child with him.