How best to survive my husbands emotional affair?

Question

My husband seemed to change overnight. He is 63 and we have been together for 21 years. Some very tough times raising four boys and going through custody battles, teen years, etc.

Just over 18 months ago, he began to act differently, angry, judgmental, needed his space. No tolerance for anything. He loved me but was not 'in love'. He was ready to flee. We finally talked about seeing a doctor as he realized he was miserable and confused by all of this, too. It took months to finally get results that showed his pituitary gland was not functioning properly. Shut down pretty much. He now takes testosterone, human growth hormone, & cortisone. But, it is such a slow process to try various doses to see what will really work.

In the mean time, he has a 'friend' that he met early on when he first began to feel these changes. They talk maybe three times a day for about 2 minutes each time, see each other maybe an hour a week or less to visit.

I have a very hard time with this as we are having sex now, though not as often as before but we went 11 months with no intimacy so am happy to have this, at least. He swears he and his 'friend' are not having sex and with his lack of stamina, I tend to believe this. She is his 'comfort zone'. He says he can't explain it but right now it is important to him to have this relationship.

I just need to hear some success stories. Is there any hope we can get through this intact. How can I better understand and cope with his need for this woman.

I have read so much on all of this, talked with Jed Diamond early on, etc. I know hormones have so much to do with how we feel, behave, love, etc. But, it is so hard to share him. And so hard when others tell me he is using me and that he can control this but chooses not to.

He sleeps in his office trailer otherwise he is as much a part of this household as ever. We laugh, watch movies, eat together, hug goodnight and he goes out, calls her and goes to bed.

I need encouragement and help understanding......

Answer 1

I'm sorry you're going through this.

I only have personal experience through fourteen years of marriage (and raising kids partway through school), so I don't know how difficult it was to function emotionally with a shut-down pituitary gland. I'm also not sure how long medication takes to work.

A friend of mine had his thyroid removed, and while it took a little time for the artificial hormones to kick in (and of course the docs had to play with dosages), within a few months things were stable.

I think it's good for spouses to have 'friends' outside of marriage, as long as boundaries are established in order to protect the marriage relationship. Spending time with the opposite gender can sometimes cause romantic/emotional feelings to develop, especially if there is a lot of unresolvable or difficult-to-resolve stress in the home life.

Three times a day, for two minutes a time, and visit an hour or less a week, doesn't sound like much.

But I'm not really sure if it's accurate. Have you had a two-minute phone call? Very little of substance can be said in two minutes. If he claimed to be having a 15-20 minute phone call once a day with his friend, that's more plausible than three 2-minute calls. (I could be wrong, it sounds like he's understating things, to me.)

It also bothers me that this woman is the last person he talks to during the day, before he goes to sleep. While some men are just insensitive, I think it suggests that you / the family are not his highest priority, despite him outwardly enjoying the time he spends with you; she's the last thing he wants on his mind before going to sleep.

That's not good. I think a husband would have issues if, every night, his wife sent him off to bed while saying she was going to call her male friend as her final communication of the day. He'd be suspicious and jealous, and it would certainly seem like something bad was happening.

So while I have no concrete and/or detailed evidence of your husband's intentions, except what you've said here, from the "big picture" perspective I would have some serious concerns. Things do not add up as he claims they do, and you need to explore this more deeply.

His behavior might fit with someone who has suffered hormonal imbalance, but it also fits just as well in the category of someone who is emotionally cheating on his marriage -- or maybe even both at once.

You are in the best position to investigate this further. Since your friends know him and get a fairly regular description of what's been going on, if there are some whose judgment you trust (who like your husband and are yet "fair" people), I would share what you know with them, to see what conclusions they draw and what advice they might give as things unfold.

Again, I think you are uneasy with his relationship with this woman, and based on your description, I think deep-down -- even though you want to help your husband and give him whatever room he needs to make it -- you know something's not right here.

Take care.

Answer 2

Emotional affairs are just as damaging and dangerous as physical affrairs, and often time turn into physical. He should be talking to you, not a friend, because, he is married to you, not her.

I would suggest some joint marriage counseling, and honest communication between the both of you. He needs to know how you feel, and vice-versa. If he won't go with you, then you go alone and get the emotional help you need. If you don't know of a good family therapist, ask a pastor, or your doctor for a recommendation.

Good luck.

Answer 3

Honey you have been together fr 21 yrs and thats hellova long time, hats off to you, right now yr husband is going thru a phase, support him, and stand by him dont assume and convict him, yes i know it may sound difficult, even if yr husband so has a soft corner fr this freind he will come around and realise the value and the strenght of this lady who has stood by him fr 21yrs.

Answer 4

My dear, my best and only advice to you is prayer. Serious prayer. If you can pray and let this whole situation drop into God's almighty hands, He WILL take care of everything. This is His promise, not mine. Matthew 21:22 Whatever you ask in prayer, believing, it shall be given. God Bless you!

Answer 5

Honestly, let him go. He may think the grass is greener somewhere else & then realize it was crab grass!
You are being tortured by this & need a resolution.
He leaves or you leave, but honey don't accept this as a life.

Answer 6

An emotional affair is as bad as a physical one,hes already left you you know what you need to do.

Answer 7

I have some land for sale on MARS are you interested. Get a grip!

Answer 8

maybe it is just his friend..i am a woman and my best friend is a male..we discuss everything..just like girlfriends

Answer 9

Divorce him.