whats my hubby want?Serious answers only please?

Question

Ok my hubby and i are having major problems sexually.I cant get aroused or orgasam at all.He asked me the other night if i wanted to have a threesome with another girl.He knows i was with a girl in the past before him.I told him no because i thought it would ruin our relationship.This all happened after another failed attempt at sex and his words exactly were"maybe i should go find another girl to bring home to please you"My thought is hes looking for any excuse to have sex with someone else and trying to trick me into saying yes so i cant say anything about it.And latley he has been more worried about looking at and watching porn then maybe working on our problem in the bedroom.Your thoughts on this.Or has anyone else went through this?

He also claimed that he wants to do it to please me.But it would be someone i could sleep with and someone he could sleep with too.

Yes i ahve tried oral sex and i still cant orgasam no matter what.Never had this problem before.

Answer 1

It's hard to tell without more information about your husband's personality and such; but his comment does fit in the pattern that a guy will use to "test the waters" before making a commitment to a particular course of action.

It doesn't necessarily mean he has wanted to sleep around. He could simply be being opportunistic -- frustrated that you are not getting anywhere, feeling a little incompetent as a man, and part of him is excited over the thought of something new, different, and potentially stimulating for him. While he does have some concern for you, yes, he likely has a large dose of "self-interest" in the matter.

Usually there is a mixture of feelings, not just a black/white thing.

And the porn issue does suggest it's more for him -- he's fueling his fantasies and getting ideas of what he'd like to do, plus the frustration of not knowing how to please you or work with you is alleviated some by the escape to pornography (where there are no emotional issues to wrestle with, gratification is ensured).

To respond to a different poster, a woman who feels secure and loved will definitely find it easier to be aroused; but there are still other issues that could interfere with arousal, including biochemical ones, time of life, work pattern, personality, etc.

(You also mentioned you were with a woman in the past, which suggests sexual orientation issues as potentially interfering here... but i wouldn't know without more information.)

You don't really want to assume you or he is at fault and blame someone; you want to work on exploring options together so that your relationship can deepen.

I think dragging in the other woman is a bad idea. Aside from any moral issues one might have, it also is simply a "band-aid" to the underlying problems in the relationship, so while you might look on the surface like things have gotten momentarily better, the relationship will keep weakening and the focus will continue to be on the self-gratifying aspects of the sex, rather than on the relational parts of the sex.

If the problem is not resolving itself, the two professional 'routes' would be therapy (to see if there's issues in yourself, him, or in the marriage that need to be resolved) and physical checkup (to check for biological influences on your lack of interest).

Again, your problem is not rare. Men become aroused easily, at least physically, no matter what's going on; women sometimes have trouble, depending on what else is happening in their lives.

Answer 2

I think he is just trying to please you and wants you to be happy, he knows of your past and he is thinking you might get aroused if you were to do that again and at the same time it sounds like he wants to experience that if he hasn't already and if he has sounds like he'd like to again. Sometimes drinking can lossen you up a bit, maybe you are not relaxed enough for you to get to that point, maybe he is done before you get the chance in this case he's got to work on holding back. Don't give up! I think it is great you can talk to eachother about this stuff, some couples can't, I also think that swinging or threesomes can do a lot for couples that are having problems in this area. The porn thing - well he is a man and at least he is home with you and not going to the streets and strip clubs or having an affair. Relax and just get into it somehow find out what turns you on and makes you feel good and aroused and go from there. Good luck!

Answer 3

You will never know what his reasons truly are. I have been in the same situation with my now husband. I couldn't have an orgasm no matter what we/he did. I think that he was trying too hard and I was thinking too hard. Yes, it is lovely to have an orgasm, but there is so much more to sex than that. I mean it lasts 10 seconds if you're lucky, so why not focus on the entire act. Stop focusing so hard on trying to cu*.

Is he cu**ming? Men are definitely threatened by things like that. he surely feels that maybe it will take more than what he has to satisfy you and probably said that out of utter frustration. Even worse is the fact that you say you can't "get aroused". That must hurt him, it would hurt you wouldn't it? Put yourself in his shoes. How would you feel if he couldn't get an erection for you?

I am realizing with experience that men feel a lot like we do, they just express it differently. It will probably be hard for you, but try getting down and pleasing him. Instead of focusing on your own desire and need, make him feel good and make him feel good and make him feel good, and eventually this should arouse you. I know that when my husband moans in pleasure I am satisfied and aroused.

Try not to focus on yourself for a week and really put all your sexual efforts into pleasing him and see how it works for you. Also be vocal in the bedroom. Tell him what you need, tell him when what he is doing feels good and hopefully that will bring the attraction back. It won't last forever either. Over the years you will have to be creative. BUT ALL MEN WANT TO FEEL LIKE THEY ARE THE BIGGEST BADDEST BEDROOM BULLY SO WHEN ALL ELSE FAILS FAKE IT!

Answer 4

o.k. Don't take any notice of anyone putting you down. That will only make it worse. He is suggesting a threesome cos he doesn't know what else to do. You have to ask yourself why you can't gey aroused? Are you stressed? Are you a mother? (45 milion reasons with that one..) The more you stress the less aroused you are going to be. My suggestion? It might sound horrible but have a drink. Have some alcohol to take the edge off. (just the edge mind you - im not talking about getting sloshed). If that isn't an option you have to tap into your wildest fantasies. Start believing that you are sexy and you know what able... Go and buy some sexy undies or something that makes you feel more attractive. And tell your partner exactly what you'd like him to do to you. Make sure you let your partner know he's wanted and that you find him attractive and all that or he will go and do the unmentionable to just try and feel more manly. Thats what they do... Good luck!

Answer 5

My hubby and I don't have any problems in our sex life, but he knows that I used to be with a woman before we got together, so every once in a while, we will have a threesome with another girl. It has not harmed us in any way. We also watch porn together, but we make sure that it doesn't interfere in any way. We both make sure we are open and honest with each other for everything, and it has made us soooo close. We even get tormented from his family because we are always together.
It sounds like you need to talk to him about it though and see what he really wants. Does he want to make you happy? Or is he just looking for some extra fun?? Make sure that whatever you do, you can live with it in the morning.

Answer 6

Sorry to hear about your bedroom problems. Perhaps you should seek a doctor's or sex therapist's opinion on what could help you get aroused and climax. Men's first response when finished love making is "did you?" They want to know they pleased you. It is inbred into them that they must do this. Unfortunately the three some would probably make things worse. Your husband is probably watching porn to hear and see women aroused and climax. This is obviously very important to him. Atleast he is talking to you about possibilities and watching porn, not cheating. Men are from Mars and women are from Venus. It is as important to him to see you aroused. as it is for us, to have intimacy like hugging and kissing. We love sweet talk, they love dirty talk.Okay maybe a little of both. Good Luck!!

Think about seeing the therapist, you will both be satisfied!! Great Sex!! Great marriage!!

Answer 7

OK.. first although its not your fault because alottttttt of women have problems climaxing.. "i to have the same problems" everything is going right i get right to the edge but for some reason just cant seem to go over at time, and the longer this happens the more i am concentrating on wanting to climax the more that it doesnt happen cause im to busy worrying if i will or not that im not enjoying whats going on.. For your husband, this is an ego thing, he feels like less of a man cause he cant please u that way, he feels hes doing something wrong, which im sure he's not.. but in his mind he thinks that he cant turn u on sexually anymore so with .. and im guessing he'd be able to handle u being with another woman, more so then with another man, so out of fear of losing u he's suggesting maybe u should be with someone else that can satisfy u.... I dont think he's wanting to have sex with someone else.. and if he does i dont think its from lack of loving u as much as it is a lack of selfesteem in this area wondering if perhaps he's lost his touch..so to speak...but i really dont think thats whats going on though.. i think hes more worried that u'r going to eventually want another man, so to avoid this, he's offering the lesser of two evils and wanting to bring in another woman..But i think all of it the other woman, the porn, all of it is because of his low selfesteem cause he views himself as the problem and doesnt want to realize this is a problem your having and all though u dont know why it doesnt have anything to do with him doing anything wrong.. I think u should go to the doctors and see if theirs a reason behind this all as far as why ur not..could be diet, lack of excercise, smoking, alot of things can bring it on.. and i think ur husband would feel better knowing its something fixable, and not him..

Answer 8

It sounds like he is frustrated with not being able to please you... of basically being made to feel inferior. Being together, this isn't jus your problem, it's his also, and every time you say, "I just couldn't get there this time," what he hears is, "You're a looser and a jerk off; buzz off, creep." You need to find a way to put his mind at ease, and honestly, the best way to do that is to have an orgasm with him. Take some responsibility for your own pleasure, as well as his. Help him help you. He hears how great it was between you and another girl once upon a time, and he wants to see that, to be a part of that, to at least be with you when you're actually enjoying it. Your man wants you to be happy in bed, but he feels like you're saying he's not good enough alone. I went through something similar with my wife.

Answer 9

Well maybe you are the problem and you still can't get pleasured by a man and maybe you do need a woman....but only you know that....try different things with your hubby....but that whole thing about bringing another female in your bedroom.......nope that is not good....you 2 have to work it out and try different positions or try oral sex, watch a porn together.....there has to be something....good luck

Answer 10

i am really sorry, but if he loved you he'd be working together with you in solving what's wrong. A woman who feels loved, who feels she's important to his man, and is not physically ill, should be aroused by him, but if the man makes up an excuse as a way of helping, something is wrong. Pornograpthy might not be a problem per se, but men tend to get hooked on that kind of stuff, and once sexual perversion starts to look alright to them, it's very difficult to turn back. I'd suggest you both get some counselling, as soon as you can.