Should I be concerned about this relationship becoming abusive?

Question

Should I be concerned about this relationship becoming abusive?
Should I be concerned about this relationship becoming abusive?
I'm getting married in the next few weeks but, I have some concerns. Lately he seems more controlling but, only in the way of what he says is what goes, regardless of what I say. Sometimes he talks to me like I'm only 12 yrs. old. Lately when we wrestle around he hits me harder than what I think he should. BUT he has never been physically abusive at all. He has called me names when we've gotten in arguments and only then. We petsitted for some friends of ours and the puppy would use the bathroom in the floor and he would spank it too hard, hard enough I couldn't watch and then throw it in the floor. My bird bit him and he thumped it and knocked it out for a while and told me that anything in is house is not going to act like that. I'm not sure if it something to worry about or not, as far as the way he might oneday treat me? He has always treated me like any girl would want to be treated, that is why I'm confused???.

Additional Details

19 hours ago
He is not the jealous type at all. He does not follow me everywhere I go and he does not try to be right up under me all the time. He does not question my every move or acuse me of cheating or anything. So a lot of his characteristics are not those of an abuser. This is why I am so confused.

Additional Details

2 hours ago
He made it very clear to me that he was not raised to hit women and his son will not either. He said he would hurt any man he saw trying to hurt a woman.

Answer 1

Be very, very concerned. Abusive relationships don't start with the abuser giving black eyes. They start pretty normally, then gradually become more abusive. Since you put up with him hurting a puppy, his confidence grows. You put up with him hurting you while wrestling, so now he'll take it one tiny step further. It may take months or years for him to become a full-blown "wife-beater."

You obviously are worried, or you wouldn't be writing. Listen to your gut. At the very least, you need to postpone the wedding and get premarital counseling.

Answer 2

I Am Messing Around With A 54 Year Old Married Man And I Am 20 Years Old. I Been Messing Around With Him Since Last September 2005. He Has A Son Who Is 20 And He Is My Friend And A Daughter Who Is 17 And His Daughter Caught Us Having Sex Once Before But She Did Not Say Nothing To Nobody Because She Has Autistic And She Has A Mind Of A 6 Year Old. This Married Man Wants To Leave His Wife And Marry Me... But I Do Not Know If He Will Leave His Wife Of 21 Years! The Sex Is Good And He Always Said I Love You To Me All The Time And I Do Not Know What To Do. But I Love Him! We Never Use Protection But He Pulls Out And Ejaculate On My Stomach! We Have Had Sex In Werid Places!

Answer 3

Honey ther are many different ways to be an abusive person: phisically, verbally, sentimentally, etc. How is that he can hit you harder that what you think he should and isn't phisical abusive? Why does he call you names for? This is one of the most commun way of abiusiveness and maltreatment used among couples. I have to tell you that this is a progresive stage if he doesn't get help soon. One little knock or even weak punch, an insult, a violence against you, your pets or your articles denotes an anger syndrome and for what you're saying isn't impossible for him to handle it by his self. Please don't get stocked thinking "He'll changed" or if you got no kids don't get pregnant thinking that a baby will change him iether, I l've lost my cousing girl in 2ND. degree like this, when she realized that he wouldn't change it was to late, this monster was so coward that meanwhile my cousing was sleeping he smach her head with a concrete block in the bed, it was terrible, He ran away and I was called and told where he was and I went after him, but the same person who called me called also the police and arrived in the nick of time because I was about to blow his head off, they showed to me he did not worth it. Please get help soon, I belive is enough with the women already killed by men like these. Do not wait 'til is too late. Is better to start over far away from him than go to the bed one night and never see another morning again. The worse that also can happen is if you got a kid with him and then 2 people will be on risk, do let this happen to you, you are so valuable, and these kind of men only love their selves. Good luck and think about it, keep your family informed about what's going on or your mother, get help all the you have to do is make one step to start your path out side from this circle of violence.

Answer 4

You seriously have reasons to be concerned. He displays a lot of abusive characteristics. My advice to you is be very very careful. Animals are living things and if he can do that to an animal. What's going to happen when you say or do something he does not like? Is he going to thump you too? Many men who are abusive know how to cover their true selves very well. Did you see the movie ENOUGH with Jennifer Lopez. The fact that he's trying to reassure you that he's not abusive brings cause for suspicion. You need to think long and hard and re-evaluate your relationship. Is this someone you see your self with in the long run. Think about it. Best Wishes

Answer 5

Your additional details may be true, but it sounds like you are either trying to cover for him, or you just don't want to accept the truth of what you see. He is obviously a violent man. If a man mistreats small animals, what makes you think he won't mistreat you? He may not seem controlling now, but when you are married, I'd almost be willing to wager that things will change drastically, especially if he is young. If he is under 30, chances are, he will become very dominating and controlling once you are married. If you are so confused, perhaps it is your female intuition. He may be trying to be honest about his intentions not to hurt a woman, but it sounds like he has some self-control issues that should be addressed before you decide to marry him. If he can't get some help, my advice would be to run the other direction, and FAST.

Love, Hope, Peace, & Christ be with you,

Cal-el & Swissy

Answer 6

I would be very cautious because I feel like a person that is intentionally cruel to an animal MAY be that way to people too!
Does he get along with other people well, like family, people who wait on him in public, etc?
It is very hard to know a person even after years together because there are so many things that can affect it. It does sound like he may have some problems if he cannot control his temper so just look at his past relationships too and be take things slow. It sounds like he overreacted about the pets and if he did that, who is to say he would not do it if you did something he did not like??. I have been in abusive relationships and I attract men who like to dominate women. I am now in a more stable marriage and luckily he is different other than he too is controlling.
Anyway, Good luck to you and I hope this helps.

Answer 7

You should be very concerned. Been there done that. Even though it's something small now, it may turn into something greater later. I know that it's easy to get caught up in the planning of the wedding, but if you are concerned then you should take a minute to think before saying "I DO" It's not right for him to call you names at any time. What if he does lose his temper and start beating you.......then what? I had someone to tell me that too(he wouldn't hit a woman) but.......... If your opinion doesn't matter now, then it won't matter later. Think about it long and hard before getting into this. It's easier and cheaper to walk away now than to have to divorce.

Answer 8

It sounds as if he has an anger problem. He may not be physically abusive to you but I'm a bit concerned about the puppy spanking and bird thumping. Tell him that you're a little worried and if he reacts properly he will do something to get control over his anger.

Answer 9

the warning signs are there. don't worry about the money you spent on the wedding. he is proably going to whine and cry and ask you to come back but don't. that is one sign right there. they love to cry and get to you. any man can say that they will never hit a women. it always starts out small then it grows. do some research on the web about it. go to a chat room that has abused women in it and tell them the signs. they will let you know. you can start at dr. phil. i know alot of people don't like him but there is a place that will give you a chance to talk.

Answer 10

Well , according to your description of him, I would say to cool it for a while before you get married to make sure. Also let him know that you feel he is too rough about some things. His actions point towards being abusive even though hes says otherwise. I would be very careful around him until you know differently.