my husbands best friend had a midlife crisis...left his family and friends and moved to Cali. Hubby has been in despair ever since.His friend wont call him or communicate with him in any fashion.My husband has cried an ocean of tears and cant seem to get past this.He tells me that I dont understand anything and that im being very insensitive to his dilemma.Mind you,I told him to go to CA to talk to said friend with money we didnt really have...have spend countless hrs listening,offering my shoulder etc etc.Im not sure what else I can do.I dont want him to get overly depressed and wind up in the same boat as his friend.He tells me he dont wanna work,he has noone (of importance)to hang out with now and so on. Any suggestions as to what else I can do to help him deal with his saddness? At this point Im truely at a loss:-( Its beginning to wear me down as well.
2006-09-04 23:52:29 · 4 answers · asked by Lunchmeat 2 in Health ➔ Men's Health
Are you asking me if hes queer????? Hell no he isnt. Hes been friends with this guy for over 22yrs! THATS why hes so down. Theyre like brothers....closer than brothers actually.
2006-09-05 00:04:23 · update #1
Yesterday I suggested to him that maybe its time he felt pissed off at his friend for not valuing him enough to call him. That hasnt worked yet either.
2006-09-05 00:12:06 · update #2
I know I really shouldnt say this but in a way I wish that he would have died. Under those circumstances then and only then can his loved ones grieve properly.This really SUCKS.
I also told him that I thought -I-was his best friend.He tells me that I am...but its not the same.I understand that to a degree.
2006-09-05 00:20:57 · update #3
Well first of all, I would rule out that maybe your husband had some "deeper" relationship with his buddy than he is telling you, if you know what I mean.
If it's not that, then truly, your husband has some issues. If he put so much of his identity into his buddy, then that wasn't a very healthy thing to do. Maybe he is feeling totally disoriented at having lost him and doesn't know what to do with himself. That is hard indeed because men are stubborn as it is and to say "find a hobby" probably is too simple a solution because he won't do it.
You do need to be more sympathetic and maybe start doing with him, some of the things he did with his buddy, and talk about his feelings with him.
He is very disillusioned right now. Maybe he isn't that happy with your relationship...or that you are distant...and he and his buddy shared that in common and now his buddy just "up and left it all behind"....and your husband may be confused about his own feelings...knowing perhaps he couldn't do what his buddy did as a choice to deal with how he felt.
I suggest you try and salvage what's left of your marriage and husband and I would not recommend he go chasing after his friend there. You want him to let go and you want to build a new relationship with your husband now.
If you show him you care, he will see you are not like his buddy's wife and he will eventually get over the lost of his buddy, but he needs YOU and your support so be gentle with him and express your concerns to him and tell him you are so worried about him and that he should see a doctor. Maybe try to find another male friend for him to spend time with....start by inviting other couples over or asking a friend if she could invite you two over and explain the situation to her, etc. Plan a dinner party or bbq and invite new friends over....lots you can do to help pick up his spirits and fill in the void.
Maybe you can console your husband some by saying that it must be a confusing and difficult time for his friend too and perhaps he had to totally cut off everyone from his previous life in order to find the strength to move forward and carry on with his decision to start a new life.
It's better your husband feels anger and resentment to his friend than depression. At least it's a step forward to start feeling anger.
And sorry I don't mean to sound like I am criticizing you...but marriage is a funny thing...we let things go and then one day there's a crisis and it seems there's an ocean to bridge...I understand your husband just lost someone very important but he's taken you for granted too if so much of his "happiness" was in this relationship with his buddy...that's men for you...now maybe he will learn that YOU are his best friend for sticking by him all these years...that is the message you need to get across to him one way or another and he will adjust and come around. He needs to grieve this loss for it is surely a loss just as if his friend had died. Treat it that way.
My dad had a buddy like that too and he was pretty lost after he passed on. It's difficult to replace a lifetime buddy. It's really a like a death. He will come around. He just needs time to adjust to being himself without his buddy.
I wouldn't really be telling him what he should and shouldn't feel. Maybe you could say, wow, I would be feeling really sad too. I think I would be feeling really angry afterwards for not even considering your feelings in all this...that way you aren't putting his friend down...believe me he probably still sides with his buddy at this point! :~)
2006-09-05 00:04:40 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
You need to wake up, No man acts like this with the loss of a buddy or friend, this is a Love Loss- and you hubby is love sick.
Do you need a Titanic to see the truth.
2006-09-05 00:39:12 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
I don't want to add more fuel to the fire, but, umm, is there a chance that something other than friendship went on between your hubby and his friend? I just got that feeling that there's more to this than meets the eye.
He has "no one of importance"? So what does that make you? Chopped livah?
2006-09-04 23:59:12 · answer #3 · answered by Evil Wordmonger, LTD LOL 6 · 1⤊ 1⤋
I'm sure he knows you're there for him, so don't over do it. He knows where you are if he needs you.
2006-09-05 00:07:44 · answer #4 · answered by Say It Like You Mean It 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋