help! how can i forget what my husband did to me?

Question

a week ago my husband confessed that he got a prostitute and had an oral s3x and s3x. he told me he cant hadle that guilt and he realized that he loved me more and promised me that he wouldnt sleep with another woman ever again... i was crushed about what he did, i cant seem to forget. but still i forgave him and gave him another chance but its so hard to forget. i know i did everything to please him. do you think what he did (confessing) was the right thing and how can i forget? was i stupid to forgive him? whats your thoughts about this?

we did get tested it turned out to be negative.. he's worried about hiv.. i guess, he really have to.

Answer 1

Dee... your husband made a mistake, plain and simple. The fact that he was 'serviced' by a prostitute is far less damaging than if he was involved in an affair... his heart wasn't involved.

He confessed to you, which speaks of his character, because he could have taken this secret to the grave. He loved you enough to tell you what he did and gave you the opportunity to figure out what you should do because of that.

No one would consider you as 'stupid' simply because you choose to forgive your husband and rebuild your marriage... many marriages and relationships have survived infidelities; yours can also.

You'll never be able to completely forget what happened. In time, it may fade from your immediate thoughts, but it shall always be there and something or someone may remind you of what happened. I wouldn't focus on forgetting and the only way for your marriage to survive is that you forget... you'll drive yourself bonkers trying to forget!

Look at it as 800 lb gorilla in your living room... you can avoid it, you can walk around it, you can cover it up; but you'll never forget that it's there and you'll have difficulty avoiding its presence. It's also going to displace other things in your living room. Family and friends will notice its presence also; some will mention it, while others will do as you are and not acknowledge it. What you have to do is move that 800 lb gorilla to another room that's not visited as often. Then you move that gorilla to the back yard, out of the house. Then finally, you get him out of the yard and out of your lives. It won't be easy, because remember; this is an 800 lb gorilla and even when he's out of your lives, you're still going to remember that at one time, you had an 800 lb gorilla in your living room.

I applaud you for forgiving him, but now that you have forgiven him, will you be able to trust him to let him go out on his own or leave him at home by himself? I know that TRUST is probably not one of your favorite words right now, but in order to truly forgive him and give yourself some peace of mind, you will have to trust him again.

Good luck and God bless...

Answer 2

I have read all the stuff you are going to read and it is six of one, half dozen of the other. Let me break it down and check my other answers.

You are never going to forget the event. True love will remove the emotional load of hurt and over time recall will fade also.

I want to say again, unlike any other answers, you cannot give him full forgiveness. That is not your job.

You can let him off the hook of consequences with you. You can let him back into your graces; but you cannot forgive his broken word nor can you really free him from guilt, if he has any.

Human vows are before God. We answer both to God and each other in all relationships.

Breaking a vow is like having two flat tires at the same time. He has fixed one flat tire with you but still has one to repair. You cannot fix the other one for him. I hope you see.

Another way to say this is that "your forgiveness to limited to you." I don't think you were stupid to do your part. Just know that you can't give him all the forgiveness he needs in this situation.

If he gets the other tire fixed you won't feel so crushed.

Answer 3

First of all your relationship is in danger of collapse. If he is truly repentant he will go to counseling with you and alone. This is 911, danger Will Robinson, kind of stuff.

Secondly, an affair or any sex outside of the commitment is a symptom of a larger problem. Perhaps his alone or your together. It is like a cancer that goes undiagnosed until it enters the "self-destruct" mode. He has crossed the line and now its out in the open. There are larger things going on than just this fling with a prostitute (internet porn? other women? cyber-affairs?) Be mindful of the entire set of self-destructive sexual behaviors.

Thirdly, his confession was done to relieve his guilt, it is actually damaging to you and your overall relationship. He did it so he could feel better. Most counselors, if he had consulted one, would have probably advised that he work through his issues. Of course with the STD risk I guess he would have to tell you eventually. Essentially what this type of confession is saying is, "I'm sorry now you have to forgive me. If you don't then I'm the bigger person." Its a head game, another symptom of a seriously endangered relationship.

Lastly, you need to do some self care. Regardless of whether he will go or not you need to see a counselor and talk about all of the feelings this has erupted for you personally. Women who endure this type of relationship often feel inadequate, ugly or taken for granted. You need to get on solid emotional footing for yourself first and foremost.

I hope this helps! Good lucK

Answer 4

You know, it's really important to be honest with your spouse in all things, but he should've been honest BEFORE he cheated on you, so that's past and neither of you can change that. I've heard that when a mistake, a concious mistake like this has been made that he should just repent and not tell you and never ever ever ever do it again or even think about it, and if he does, then he should tell you and either you guys divorce or.... heck, I don't know.
But he's done this only once, right? And just with a prostitute, not a girlfriend, right?

It's taking a chance, but, I might give him one more chance. I know people personally who've been through similar circumstances. One couple lasted forever after that, the other three couples did not because their spouses cheated on them again, so, I guess you have a 1 out of 3 chances of it working out. But the only way to know if you will be the one chance of it working is to stick with him and forgive him. Forgiving doens't mean forgetting. You don't have to trust him. You don't have to be super sweet to him or accept what he's done. You can just stay with him and wait for him to prove himself to you all over again. Take as long as you need with this process.

Honey, I'm soooo sorry for what you must be going through inside! Pray for strength and guidance on the best thing... and pray for your husband to repent and heal!!

Answer 5

You hit the nail on the head...He can't handle the guilt with not saying anything. Now he is guilt free for telling you and you're crushed and wanting to believe it will never happen again. Forgiveness is great, and he probably feels like a new man. Meanwhile this will be on your mind always. The fine line of trust has been broke. I spent three years before my marriage finally ended with the same circumstance, trying to make it work, but I found myself second guessing his absence at home and where was he? with another woman?. The one you need to forgive is yourself and move on. You did everything to please him, now start with pleasing you. True love is never having to forgive your partner, as there is mutual respect for each other. He's playing you sweetheart. This most likely won't be the last. Good luck, love and respect yourself to do the right thing.

Answer 6

Well, he did confess, which he didn't have to, so that tells me that he is genuinely sorry and feels bad. I would give him another chance, but just make sure you lay down some ground rules and make sure he knows how you feel about this, so he doesn't take advantage of the fact that you forgave him. Let him know yo are hurt and won't stand for being treated that way. No matter what I (or anyone else on here) says, you have to go with what you feel is right. Listen to your heart and good luck!
By the way, if that is your pic, you are a very beautiful girl, so if it doesn't work out, you will have no problem finding someone that will treat you like a queen.
Oh and make sure he gets tested just in case, so he doesn't pass anything on to you.

Answer 7

Sorry, I don't get it. Er...what was the question? How can you forget him? Forget him WHAT? Being with the prostitute - or CONFESSING that to you?
Honestly, sorry, but I don't think he loves and respects you at all. That was so selfish - I was about to think that he deliberately wanted to hurt you, rather then to be honest with you.
If he loves you - he would never tell you what he told you (he COULD BE be with prostitute and love you at the same time, but he couldn't tell you about that - and love you at the same time). He had to know how you were going to feel. Unless he is not normal. You don't need him in one way or another. Forgive him and leave him.
PS: Sorry for the language, I am not a native English speaker.

Answer 8

start insisting he use protection NOW before resuming relations with him( if you do) as you dont know what he may have gotten. Get a check up for all STD's. Consider counseling. It may not be the first time nor the last. Confessing was mainly for his conscience, but it is the decent thing to do as your health can be affected, even to the point of being fatal if AIDS is involved.Even if he said he used protection you still need to be protected now.Get doctors advice as well. Condoms are no guarantee against AIDS just safer than not.

Answer 9

did you really forgive him? if so, why is this still an issue? forgiveness implies that you believe he is sincere and you accept his declaration of contrition and truly do forgive him. let the incident go. its over and done with. worrying over it wont change the past. now, he has confessed and you did forgive him, this time. it is very likely that if he slips again, he will feel just as guilty and confess again. whether you forgive him that time is up to you. but you have forgiven this time so this incident should be closed. he will have to earn back your trust, but it is clear he has your love ... forget about this incident, it is over and done ... you should both get a test for STD's to be sure he hasn't brought something home. ... good luck

Answer 10

Temporary relief of stress. Prostitution...the worlds oldest profession. I would not allow it. I would not do it to my wife. I would not do it even if single. I find the industry a bit revolting. It was good that you forgave him, but it appears that you cannot live to forget. You, if you are to move on, should go to a counsellor to work through this.