I am engaged to a man - he's what alot of women would call the "Perfect One" - good looks, stable career, kind, caring, family-oriented, loving etc. Recently we had some issues, so I took a month holiday and went overseas to visit my cousin. Due to space contraint, I shared room with her housemate, who happened to be a lesbian (boyish dressing, but still girly).
Every night, we would lie down on her bed and have deep conversations.. and when it was time for me to leave, I realised I was attracted to her, and on the last night, I kissed her and we made out. The next morning before I left, I kissed her for so long and didn't wanna leave...
I'm very lost right now, I am back with my fiance, and I felt like I cheated on him. Then again, I'm still very much infatuated with her, and I text and call her everyday. I never thought I would be attracted to women, but look what i've done. I'm so screwed. Any advice?
2006-09-04 23:01:33 · 25 answers · asked by Janny 1 in Society & Culture ➔ Cultures & Groups ➔ Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender
I just had a long talk with my fiance. I told him I need a "break" to discover myself and lead my own life (cos' I've been living with him for the past 3yrs, felt like I was already married then), so told him I might get a job overseas (nearer to my 'girl').
He gave me to choices:
1st - Stay and be with him
2nd - Leave and call the whole thing off.
He said he can't wait, and he foresees that we will break up anyway if I were to go overseas for 6mths.
To me, if he really loves me, he will wait, especially if we're gonna be married for the REST of our life. So I felt really disappointed when he said he's not gonna wait.
But I need to get away from everything and also, I've always wanted work experience overseas, now seem to be a good chance, cos I just graduated and have strong desire to build my career. It is so important to me right now that he has become 2nd priority.. and he's disappointed with this too... so What now?
2006-09-08 02:26:26 · update #1
I think for some of us women, there is just a natural curiosity. I went through this same ordeal and am now engaged to a wonderful man, to be married in two months. Try meditating on what your true feelings in this matter are. I think you need to talk to your fiance about what happened. You need to be honest, without honesty in your relationship, you have nothing! If he is as "Perfect" as you say he is then he will understand your predicament and want to help figure it out. By all means, don't go through with the wedding until you are absolutely sure that this is what you want. I wish you the best of luck and please let me know the outcome. Be careful.
2006-09-04 23:11:29 · answer #1 · answered by greenmountains84 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Hold off on the marriage until you sort out your feelings! You may be just going with the flow and marrying "the perfect guy" because you think that's what's expected of women. It's happen far too many times... Rather than have a bad breakup after the ceremony, take some time to figure out if you're bi or lesbian. If you're lesbian, then no matter how hard you try, odds are eventually the marriage is gonna crumble. If you're bi, then figure out if you can be in a long-term, faithful, relationship with a man. If not, then there's also the possibility of seeing other women on the side if it's ok with your fiance, or have threesomes. Some people do that and make their marriages work even though they are bi. If seeing women on the side and staying somewhat faithful to your husband or having threesomes isn't an option for you or you don't want a long-term commitment with a man, then break it off. It would be better in the long run to break it off now if you don't think there's a chance of it working. After there's that house in the suburbs and a couple of kids involved, things get more complicated and heartbreaking for everyone involved. Take a break from the guy and sort out your feelings first.
2006-09-05 00:14:02 · answer #2 · answered by carora13 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
How do you feel about your commitment to your fiance? Do you feel like if you go follow this path, then you might be making a mistake?
If yes, go talk to a (gay-friendly) counselor. Get these feeelings out in the open so you can deal with them.
IF- a big if - you break off your engagement, would you want to continue seeing this young lady? Have you expressed any feelings to her? Has she returned them? Does she know what you'll be giving up? Will she be living stateside? Would you be able to live near her? Do you talk about future plans? So many questions, so little time? Now that you've experienced these feelings, there may be no going back. You need to explore your feelings deeply. There is no comparison between straight love and lesbian love.
I wasmarriedalready before I discovered my true self. Then I fell for a woman overseas while I was in the service. Yowey kazowey! IThe light bulb went off like fire works and I realized what was wrong in my life all those years. You need to know for sure that this is your true path, 'cause you won't be coming back this way. Please talk to someone- not a freind or family member- someone who will be able to help you at this point in your life. It is and will be a major change in your life. Not just sleeping partner. My very best. HUGS!
2006-09-04 23:42:32 · answer #3 · answered by reme_1 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think you need to hold off on your engagement until you get your emotions sorted out. It's not wrong of you to have kissed and made out with her even though you're "only" engaged. At least you're not married or actually went all the way with her. You're still single in law and doing that before you're married, is alright in my opinion. Don't feel bad. It's also normal to feel an attraction to someone unexpectedly. Just let your feelings flow and let time be the guide. I think you just need time. I do insist that you go talk to someone about this situation. It may make you feel a lot better. Maybe you could also talk to this woman and tell her your feelings. The two of you could end up just being friends if you want to still get married. However, if you feel something more with this woman will happen, I don't consider getting married...Good luck!
2006-09-04 23:07:26 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
Im in the situation myself girl, met up with a girl hung around in a group for a few months, both of us having man troubles. One night she asked if she could kiss me, i said no on the 5th time she asked i thought "what the hell ok" and let me tell you it rocked my world. Never have i felt a kiss like it. Next morning sober and i freaked out not that i kissed a girl but i coulndt understand why i did as i havent been attracted to women. Anyway i gave myself a hard time for a few weeks then stopped analyzing it and got rid of the boyfriend and started a full on sexual relationship with my girl, and i am blissfully happy. Maybe i did have feelings for women that i wasnt aware of and i dont really care, if something is meant to be it will be. If you try to fight something you just end up miserable, and could let THE ONE get away if you do. One thing for sure i know i'll never wonder what if!!! Just try to think of her as a person it doesnt really matter if its male or female you cant help who you are attracted to and dont give yourself a hard time. Do what makes you happy wether this be with your fiance or this woman, life is too short and we all have to take chances in the search for happiness. Good luck i really hope things work out for you!
2006-09-04 23:44:47 · answer #5 · answered by beepbeep 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hello!! :o) I appreciate what you're going through. You had an unexpected experience that caused you to feel something so intense that you're finding it impossible to ignore. No wonder you're confused. But life is about trying to balance the best of what has been offered to us. On one hand - you have a great guy who HAS promised to marry you. On the other hand - you can't help but wonder if there is a better path for you to be on. But truth be told - you are trying to decide between a 'sure thing' and a 'fantasy'. But you're not alone. I've known a LOT of now married GUYS who had an intense, intimate encounter with another GUY before they got married and ended up being just as confused as you are now. "What if I'm really gay?! But they decided to go with what they HAD - and got married. This doesn't mean that they never think about what it might be like to be with a guy again - but couldn't that also be said of people we once dated and had deep feelings for? "What if I married so and so instead?!" Be careful about what you do. Don't allow an experience to decide FOR YOU what YOU do in the near future. There are an awful lot of gay and lesbian people in this world who - after DECADES of dreaming of what could be - are STILL alone and dreaming. Take care of yourself. Craig!! :o)
2006-09-04 23:30:17 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
you are not attracted to women you are attracted to this one woman she was there when you needed someone she didnt judge she was just there being kind and lending you a shoulder to cry on,if she knew you were engaged and still was willing to cross the friendship line just think what that really says about her just remember if they will cheat with you they will cheat on you.
dont panic just take some time to think about the real reason you needed a holiday away for a month good luck hope it all works out the way you want it to
2006-09-05 00:53:53 · answer #7 · answered by patbgone 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't know. Are you in a room full of clothes?
Seriously, put your engagement on hold until you figure out what you want. A lot of straight women have infatuations with other women at one time or another, and it turns out to be a passing thing. On the other hand, quite a lot of us never grew out of it. Whatever you do, coming out will be much harder if you get married and have children.
2006-09-05 04:53:45 · answer #8 · answered by lcraesharbor 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think maybe you need to take some time amd think about what you really want..... If you are still thinking about this woman then you need to take the time and find out if he is really what you want......or is she what you want...... i know you are scard but it will all work out for the best in the end and you will really be happy with what you do...... Good Luck
I am sorry that he is making you chose one thing over anther but maybe this is for the best you are right what would happen after you are married ????? I wish you the best in you chose and i hope you will be happy noone should hold you back from your dreams and if you are ment to be with him then he will be there when you get back if you still want to be with him but I really feel you should follow you heart!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2006-09-05 12:37:01 · answer #9 · answered by sxypiggy2000 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The perfect book for you to read is
Between Lovers by Eric Jerome Dickey. I was also in a similar situation and opted to get out because I knew I would be unhappy. Not suggesting that you do the same but you have to follow 2 things, your heart and your instincts.
2006-09-11 15:43:50 · answer #10 · answered by dark rockchick 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋