hello,i have been on a vaation for 2 weeks,before my vacation i had no problem with my mom,(u see,my dad passed away 3 years ago and i live all alone with my mom who is 37 years older than i),as i was in vacation,my mom kept on calling me and telling me to come back cuz she fells lonely and misses me,she would call EVERY single day.i came back,on the first day i came back,i missed my friends i had been visiting,i never really like coming back home because i feel bad and lonely,on te very first day i came back my mom started to throw all these words at my head,she said i'm selfcentered,she said that i bug her she said that no one who truely knows me could ever really get along with me,i have no IDEA why she does that,i'm 21 years old,and it's been over a year that i think we've grown apart in many ways,she just doesn't know what privacy is and she doesn;t want to understand that i'm young and have different needs than those of a 58 year old!what to do?
2006-09-04 22:12:29 · 16 answers · asked by doc. 2 in Society & Culture ➔ Other - Society & Culture
i've thought of getting counseling,but she refuses to go,...i'd love to move out,but i can't,i can't finance myself and i am a medical student,the only way would be to transfer in another university in another school,but she says she won't support me anymore if i do that!
2006-09-05 04:29:48 · update #1
For those 3 years its just been you and your mom since your father passed away. She might be scared to live in her own. She is not used to having the house all to her self. You need to talk to your mom about it and explain to her that your not going to live with her forever and have other things in life you want and need to do. She needs to loosen up and let you live your life. Unless you plan to live with your mother till she passes away.
2006-09-04 22:17:32 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
OOOOH, do I ever know how you feel.
You have to get away from her, and I do mean far away. It is not self-centered to want to have your own life. She had hers, now she would rob you of yours if she could. Seriously, not to knock your mother, but sometimes they are like drowning people - they will take you right down with them. Move far away from her, she will have to make her own friends and get a life then. Sorry to sound so harsh but I just had to take the battery out of my phone because my mother won't stop calling, and this has been going on since I was your age. We are moving as soon as I'm done school, the further the better.
It is a pain, it is not fair, it is not funny and it's not harmless. This kind of thing can really mess up your life. Run!
2006-09-05 05:21:59 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
I've been in the same boat but my mom doesn't belittle me. She controls me in a subtle way. She calls it love, I call it co-dependency. I am now 35 and a single mother. I live 7 blocks from my parents (sorry to hear you lost your father). My mom called me on the first night I was in my own apartment and asked me if I remembered to brush my teeth. I truly wanted to smack her! I am co-dependent on her and she is on me. I am learning to break that but she is resisting it and he butt heads often.
You're still young. If you can afford to live on your own or with a friend or two I highly suggest you move out. At least you don't have to go to her house every day. But she will call you and try to make you feel guilty to having "left her". She needs counseling. She might be still grieving for her husband. Does she have friends? A social life? She needs that! And you need your own. I'm not saying to dismiss her or leave her for good. Just put some physical distance between the both of you (a different city may be better) and then start working on an emotional distance. Mothers tend to bond to their kids more and when their kids grow up and are at that age that they are ready to have a life of their own, the mothers feel threatened, that they are no longer needed, and instead of seeing their children grow and mature and make a life for themselves they internalize it and throw guilt trips on us.
3 yrs ago I wrote a very long letter to each of my parents. I started it off by saying that I do truly love them and appreciate all the good that they've done for me. But that right now I feel the need to tell them of the bad that they have done to me. It took me a week to finish the letters and 3 weeks to mail it to them. My dad, as always, never talked to me about it and didn't talk to me when I came over to their house a few times. We're okay now. My mom thought I was an ungrateful brat. I told her that if that's how she felt then, okay, that's how she felt. BUT -- I have my own feelings and thoughts and I have a right to express them. After a month or two we were okay. She still tries to suck me into her emotional web but as soon as I recognize it, I call her on it. I don't know how they truly feel about me and I don't care. I know I'm a good person and I move on.
Maybe you can write to her. Or just say one sentence of how she makes you feel when she says something negative. She'll either get the point or she'll get tired of fighting with you and stop. But I highly suggest to move out. Good Luck!
2006-09-05 05:31:00 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't know why she said those things either, its really for you to find out. My guess is that she could be feeling insecure as you are growing up and she fears losing you to your newfound independence.
Be patient with her and let her know you care. Try to open up her world as much as you can help to. Show her that both of you can have your own social life without losing each other and that although you have different needs now you do not intend to dump her. I think she will loosen up once she understands this.
2006-09-05 05:26:46 · answer #4 · answered by Ttraveller 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You poor girl. Your mother is the one who is self-centered!! To say the least!! No offense to you, but she sounds like she has a mental problem. You must get away from her. This does not make you a bad daughter!! This woman is manipulating you, probably for fear of being alone. Whatever the reason...It's sick!! Shame on her!! You'd be doing BOTH of you a favor if you get separate lives!! The sooner the better!!
2006-09-05 05:27:14 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think since your Mom lost your Dad, subconciously she is afraid of "losing" you. She is in her own way afraid of being alone, it's not really directly about you or anything you are doing wrong. Try to be patient with her. Until she truly finds some interests and developes some other relationships on her own, she will continue to be emotionally dependent on you. Right now patience will be your best tool in dealing with it, hang in there.
2006-09-05 05:25:41 · answer #6 · answered by Desi 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Honor your mother. Because all she had to do was give up on you when you were younger. How many people that would love to have a mom who is worried about them. If you feel such discontent move out the house and take care of yourself.
2006-09-05 05:15:55 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
The situation will only change when you learn to selflessly love and respect your mother.
And if I had a chance, I would give your mother the same advice.
Now you have got the secret for happiness, please put it in practice first. When your mother asks you about the secret of your wonderful change, you tell her the truth and your happiness will be multiplied.
2006-09-05 05:29:25 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
she's ur mother!!!!!
she might be depressed because she no longer has ur father for company. she needs to find a new "normal". you should try to be more supportive before she passes away to & u'll end up feeling guilty for the rest of ur life!!!!
there's a saying where i'm from....heaven is under the mothers' feet
GOOD LUCK!!
2006-09-05 05:17:28 · answer #9 · answered by ChEkNa . 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Now that your an adult. You have to learn to say NO to her. Tell her that you have your own life to live. It will be hard and she'll throw a fit, but you got to cut the apron strings sometime.
2006-09-05 05:21:38 · answer #10 · answered by Ironball 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋