What shed of tears must I shed for thee?
What mountain must I climb?
Or ocean to cross the other line
So confined by your heart
I'd wish to go back to the hands of time
Where I could be yours and you could be mine
Tough there is neither replay nor rewind
But to unwind my mind
If thy shall forever reside in my heart
Nay stormy hurricane can do no pain
This shed can be yours only
The mountain and the ocean are yours truly
Oh how i Thresher thee
If thy shall ever prosper
This heart of mine shall rest at peace
Thus forever be remark
This tale of hers and mine
guys/girls i just want to know if there's something i should change...and i want to know what you think...
just sharing it to you public that's all....
thank you
2006-09-04 21:53:07 · 13 answers · asked by SEDATED 3 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Other - Arts & Humanities
You combine sadness with some weird bits of (almost humor?).
For example, the first line "shed of tears must I shed" is a pun. Maybe not a "funny ha ha" pun, but a pun. Then another double-meaning with "back to the hands of time". The phrase "Tough there is neither replay nor rewind" is written in a tone that is streetwise and cynical--very incongruous with the olde English "thee" and "thy" stuff, and again, almost humorous.
By the way, I like the next line, "But to unwind my mind". It's a clever follow up.
The strange (postmodern?) mixture of voices/moods seem appropriate as song lyrics. (That should be taken as a compliment.) I'm not sure why I think that, but it just makes sense to me.
The thresher phrase is interesting. Do you mean it as in "threshing" the seed from the plant? Or more as in "thrashing"? It could imply a purging. The ambiguity makes it a good word choice in my opinion.
The language seems highly stylized ("thee", "thus", "truly", "Oh how i", "nay", etc.) and cliché phrases are used almost like icons to make it very dramatic ("shedding tears", "climbing mountains", "crossing the line", "forever", etc.). While this could be problematic, it could possibly be a strength.
I think I'd personally get more out of it if the poem were juxtaposed with something else, like music that related to it, or if it were illustrated in a booklet. Again, for me this would really make sense as song lyrics. (Maybe to a dark (maybe creepy) metal/goth track?) That's a little over-the-top maybe, but it could work.
As a stand alone poem it seems solipsistic and hard for me to relate to. On an "emotional" level it sometimes loses my interest and seems predictably "painful". The actual story of how it played out is a little more interesting. I'm more curious about what happened than how it felt.
I enjoyed reading it. Thanks. And good luck!
2006-09-04 23:09:02 · answer #1 · answered by Jon 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It's lovely, yes. Thanks for sharing it. I enjoyed it so much I found all of it on the website with those poems from other poets, and the way your Part II begins:
A twilight garden nourishes a melting heart
Renovates thy broken peaces by part
is just superb. Change nothing! You should get it published in an anthology.
2006-09-05 05:27:56 · answer #2 · answered by Lenky 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
The poem conveys your thoughts well. Beautiful.
A few suggestions :
1. "Oh how i Thresher thee" ==> Spelling. I hope U meant " Oh how i treasure thee"
2. Except for the first 2 lines, there is no punctuation in the Poem.
Proper punctuations help in adding emphasis.
3. I believe this is your initial draft. Go through and see if you can organise it better.
2006-09-05 05:19:10 · answer #3 · answered by ks_anand_77 3 · 0⤊ 2⤋
i like your poem have u ever tryed turning your writing into like poetry.com or something caus eyour very good.
by the way your pic up ther is a scary cool lookin thing. freaked me out at first is that u?
it kinda reminds me of Edgar Allen Poe i mean its all dreary and stuff. who were u goin for? not like copying. did u just write it or did you have like a certain -i cant pick the word- *style* i guess that u were goin for.
2006-09-06 10:58:40 · answer #4 · answered by rooney8dabom 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
This poem is lovely... From this i can say that u are a truely experienced person...... and u gave your heart fully to the girl of your choice......
2006-09-05 05:19:08 · answer #5 · answered by Rina 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Nice but a bit sad. Is it poem always got to be sad ?
2006-09-05 05:07:08 · answer #6 · answered by Bright 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It doesn't do anything for me but to each their own...if you're happy with it then leave it as it is.
2006-09-05 04:59:44 · answer #7 · answered by synchronicity915 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No thank you for shairng for sharing.
2006-09-09 06:50:50 · answer #8 · answered by LeBlanc 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your poem is lovely,you truly touch my soul.I think I love you:)
2006-09-05 05:05:36 · answer #9 · answered by Deea 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i like it!
2006-09-05 05:06:24 · answer #10 · answered by pol.b 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋