Suddenly unhappily married.?

Question

My husband and I just had are first child 2 months ago. She is a handful, and although we are absolutely delighted with her presense- it puts such a strain on our relationship. I just recently started to truly vent to him about the problems in our marriage. And he just blames the new stress of our daughter. It truly isn't. I feel like the lack of intimacy in our home is my fault because, in the past I never brought my worries up. and now I feel like I can't take it anymore and I find myself having breakdowns and screaming at him- then feeling so much remorse that I have compiled every single emotion I have onto him at once. Nothing seems to sink in and I recently told him that maybe we should have a trial seperation. We decided against it and I thought we understood eachother but, now that we are back to our normal lives I feel like we are back at square one and not making any progress. He shows absolutely NO interest in me physically or mentally. I feel like I am living with a friend.

Answer 1

Give it time...

Answer 2

Ok, I think in this situation both of you are probably making valid points. There is no doubt that having a new baby in the house can put strain on your relationship because of the fact that there's not as much time or energy for intimacy. And, there is also a problem that you never felt comfortable enough to bring up your worries/ feelings before.

You should probably get a babysitter and spend an evening at home really enjoying some true intimacy. Find something that he enjoys doing and that you can enjoy doing with him and make a night of it. Then, after you've both had a good time and relaxed some, maybe you could start by apologizing to him for being so moody lately and explaining to him that the baby is, indeed, taking a toll on your emotions. Let him know how much you love him and appreciate all he's doing to help you and that you just want to make sure that the two of you are maintaining open communication..and let the conversation go from there. You have to talk it out until both of you feel better, not just one of you.

Secondly, you have to make sure that you both are committed to doing that. Even if it's only when you're lying in bed at night, you have to take time to talk to each other and squash any issues that are plaguing you. Otherwise they fester and build into resentment.

Third, it sounds like maybe you are having a hard time dealing with postpartum? Maybe it wouldn't hurt to try to find a forum with other people who are suffering from depression and/or mood swings after a recent baby, or maybe even ask your doctor for help.

Finally, spice up your sex life. Buy some new lingerie, try doing it somewhere you've never done before. See if you can pique his interest by doing something unexpected.

It sounds to me like he loves you and doesn't want to leave since he talked to you and decided not to separate. Give him a chance and see how it goes. If, after all that, it still doesn't work out, then maybe a trial separation would be in order.

Answer 3

it reminds me of what they said about Elvis after Lisa Marie was born. He treated Priscilla just like you say your husband treats you. No interest physically or mentally. I don't know exactly what it's called but some men no longer look at their wives the same way after a baby is born. They cease to be seen as the hot little girl they were when they were courting and become a mother in his eyes instead, or something to that effect. It could also be that his virgin illusion is shattered. Now that you've had a baby he can no longer pretend your a virgin to be deflowered.
It could also be that he's not sure what to make of you emotionally(since you mentioned never having brought up your troubles before and smothering him and having breakdowns) He may just be waiting(hopeing) for you to get a hold of yourself.

you should probably seek professional help to deal with this
whatever you do, don't drag him onto Jerry or Oprah.

Answer 4

Breathe in....breathe out sweetie. The first thing that caught my attention was that this baby is only 2 months old. You are raging with hormones trying to get back to normal. It explains why all the emotions are coming out at once in the middle of a screaming match. It doesn't excuse why you are having these emotions though. And it raised an eyebrow when you said you had them before and never brought them out into the open.

I can tell you from experience that if you are yelling and screaming to get your point across, he's not listening. He may hear the words, but none of it is registering in his brain. At that point, a man will say anything to get you to stop. What you need to do, is while the baby is napping, tell him you need to talk. Don't yell, just simply tell him what you just told us. Judge his reaction. If he's caught off guard with it, then maybe he's not even realizing he's doing it. If he gets defensive, then ask him his opinion on how the two of you could make things better. It's going to come down to communication honey. You can't drop hints and expect him to get it, you can't yell and expect him to get it either. You have to sit down, look him straight in the eye and have the heart to heart on what is reall bothering you, then work together to find that solution.

Answer 5

You both need to calm down and realize that you are both transitioning into parenthood. You are tired, stressed, and learning a whole new lifestyle. Take a step back and take some time alone for yourselves - maybe have a relative come over for an evening and take care of the baby while you go out to dinner or a movie. You need time alone, to relax and reconnect.
Getting into counseling might also be a really good thing to do. You want to fix these problems now so that they don't fester and become even worse. Just remember how much you love him and show your love for him by not nagging, yelling, and getting overly upset.

Answer 6

I've always heard that a baby puts so much strain on a relationship.maybe you should consider marriage counseling.Don't give up on your marriage .You and your husband just went through a huge change and it is going to take some major adjustments.This happens to so many couples right after they have a baby.Just fight for your marriage and give it some time It's only been two months.You are both probably very tired from taking care of the baby so of coarse your grouchy and your hormones are crazy right now so you are extra emotional..maybe you should get someone to watch your baby and arrange a romantic night with just you and your husband I think this would really help .

Answer 7

Sweetie, you are still hormonal. Men are not emotional beings like us, they are very practical, they do not deal well with emotional women. Vent with your best friend. Seek advice with women that are happily married and have young children. Yes Babies is an added stress in a young marriage, and you will be hormonal for many more months. All your worries and concerns filter them through a mature woman, that way if you do bring something up it won't be so emotionally charged, you would have time to unwind. Have family members baby sit for you, so you can get some rest, alone time and grooming time. It is OK to detach from baby when your marriage is in trouble.

Answer 8

First, congrats on your the birth of your daughter.

Second, sorry about the issues you're having. The lack of intimacy is an elephant in the room that needs to be addressed and you should be commended for bringing it up. Therapy should be strongly considered. Also, post partum depression may be rearing it's ugly head. Not a good thing.

Ugh. I don't know what to suggest, I have 3 daughters myself (youngest is 2) and ALL three of them were (and still are) massive handfuls/armfuls/bucketfulls/truckfulls . . . I can understand all about that.

Regarding the intimacy though . . . therapy. You guys need to figure out why your husband isn't into you and your relationship. He may be freaked out about having a child in his life.

Answer 9

These just seem to be the stresses of being a new parent.You may feel this way because you have just gone through something that has changed who you are and your life for the rest of your life.As for your husband believe me hes going through alot most men don't know how to deal with changes like these.Don't think that he is not interested in you its just part of having to deal with fatherhood and new feelings for someone new.You have the proof of his love and interest for you in that baby you so much love.I would also advice that you go see a doctor about how you are actually dealing with the emotions because those are signs of post partum depression nothing to be ashamed of because I too got this way but with therapy and meds you'll see everything will get better.

Answer 10

So far you have received a lot of good advice, but let me add this. You're not going through anything that most others haven't went through. To get a separation or a divorce is a weak way out. Now , and especially NOW, is the time to decide you'll fight those feelings and see this thing through. My prayers are with you. You can over come this.

Answer 11

Don't wait until you've reached the boiling point. When you're mad, you don't think about what you're saying. Write down a list of subjects that are important to you. As for the intamacy: have you tried to seduce him. If this is both of yours first child: He knows you didn't want to have any the last few months of your pregnancy. And with your blowing up in anger, he might be afraid to try anything. Bring this up on your list to. If you still love him, make sure he knows that to! Reasure him that you don't want a divorce, if that's the truth. Also try to find out his issues. Let him know that they are just as important as yours are. After the talk, seduce him.