We have been married for two years. Neither of us is perfect, but we do love eachother. Some disrespectful and hurtful things have been said and done. We don't really authenically trust eachother and I don't mean physically cheating, I mean with little things besides that. He does worry about me possibly one day leaving him. So, I have a full time job and he does not work. He is job searching a little, once again. He has worked one full month or maybe two since we married. He was a former drug addict and goes to a methodone treatment clinic weekly in the next state. I have full coverage health insurance on us and he has not taken advantage of the insurance to get his needed physical tests run. He is still in the process of getting the insurance to pay his out of network fees for the methodone clinic. He has had since Jan.1 to get that ball rolling-after the $500 deductible was met. I know the insurance company has been a pain, but he has not taken responsibilty for anything
2006-09-04 14:39:23 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
or so it seems. I give him minor household chores and he half does them and I am just excited if he feeds the animals and mows the yard. Plus I try to put him in charge of keeping up with the bills and they are usually sent in late--I know that is my fault too. But it just seems like we are both children still and I need some support. He hates my friends and I feel a little isolated. I love my dog. I have little family and my mother stopped having contact with me b/c of him. She is crazy anyway. But I really don't know what to do. He thinks I am a nag
2006-09-04 14:41:59 · update #1
It's not gonna get any better, honey. Stop making excuses for him( job searching a little). He's gonna drag you down, too, if you hold on. Sorry.
2006-09-04 14:48:50 · answer #1 · answered by johnnydean86 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
To start something about him attracted him to u or else the 2 of u would not be married. Now I don't recall there being anything in the vows about taking the role of his mother! If it has been like this for 2 years why are u just now trying to seek help? If u have dealt with it for that long than maybe u need to stick it out. In my personal opinion, drug addicts do not change that quickly. What if it takes him another 2 years to straighten up? Are u willing to wait for that? And y in the world would u give him the responsibility of paying the bills? What are u going to do when shut-off notices begin to roll in and he hides them from u? There are alot of things that u need to consider, like committing him to rehab yourself. One where they stay on the premises and u can go visit. If it is true love u will find a way to work this thing out!
2006-09-04 14:50:49 · answer #2 · answered by 2good4hem 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Don't put a former addict of anything in charge of finances, at least not until he has a long term show of responsibility, such as staying for longer than one year at the same GOOD job. You'll have to take care of that yourself for now, with his track record for responsibility. I know coz of my own mistakes with my husband.
Sounds like you'll give him any chance to show you he cannot handle things. So take on his responsibilites, take on the added stress since you don't seem to mind it, work on his pride a bit. If he has no pride seeing you do everything, then you know he needs more than just treatment for his addiction.
For real. Depression, immaturity, mental problems--something else is wrong. People don't just get addicted to drugs; they hide from something that's wrong.
He should want to step up and be a man, be a husband. He should not just say he doesn't enjoy you working while he doesn't...he should show it by working. He should show it not by saying he's worried you'll leave him, but by doing something about it like improving his health, doing everything he needs to do for his health--mental, emotional, physical & spiritual.
You're on the right track now with your own job. I say go to college and maybe that will spur him a bit. If it doesn't, then maybe you need to stop worrying about caring for his health and only care for your own. I would not have children with him, if you haven't already. He is not a stable sort and won't be till he owns up to things and takes responsibility.
Counseling could help you very much; it would help you understand a lot of things and help you work through the feelings you must have about all you told us strangers online. You seem to have a mindset willing to ask for help, so please consider it very soon. You don't need to keep dealing with this thing alone. Going to counseling could also get your husband's legs moving a bit.
2006-09-05 02:02:21 · answer #3 · answered by *babydoll* 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Read your question (all of it) to him. Tell him that you love him and want to talk about it when he's ready. Walk out of the room and wait for him to come to you. Drop it and go on with your life for a couple of days. Usually guys will respond if you give them a little breathing room. If he doesn't come to talk to you about it in a couple of days, I'm not sure what to do.
Maybe he doesn't have any thoughts to change. Remember why you decided to marry him. You knew all about his former drug problem and I doubt his job situation is new. I hope you didn't marry him thinking he would change. Either you love him for who he is, flaws and all, or you don't really love him. Sorry if that's hard to hear.
Encouraging him and letting him know about the things you do appreciate and respect about him will help motivate him in other areas.
2006-09-04 15:26:47 · answer #4 · answered by ugly frog 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Well let me just say that you are a very strong woman, and it is hard to deal with what you are dealing with. You are not alone maybe you should call his clinic and see if their is a support group that you can go to. Give him a choice help or get out, sometimes you have to show tough love in a situation like this,it seems to me like he has gotten very used to being taken care of so stop taking care of him and see if that snaps him out of his selfishness. Make some appointments for him and make him go if he doesn't go then just get rid of him because you are not his mother are you? No you are his wife and he is your husband and he has a responsibility to take care of you too. Good Luck
2006-09-04 14:53:53 · answer #5 · answered by twinki 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You married a drug addict. Why do you expect him to be responsible now? He could not have been when you were dating him. The only thing he has taken care of recently is his drug habit. You come in after that. If you want to live your life this way, keep on going. Just don't bring children into this foolish "marriage."
2006-09-04 15:14:06 · answer #6 · answered by adamsjrcn 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
It seems such as you're dealing with it o.k.. the only different element you may evaluate doing is letting her understand how your daughter feels whilst she misses milestones or drops out of the image altogether for sessions of time. in keeping with risk she could make up some birthday enjoying cards and such so you might bypass directly to your daughter on birthdays whilst her start mom won't be able to/shouldn't join the social gathering. That way she could nonetheless sense that connection. i like which you're letting her understand that it fairly is okay to love the two one among you and which you're allowing her to particular her emotions. stable for you!
2016-11-24 22:00:55 · answer #7 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The bitterness in which you feel now, will only get worse. He is not assisting the situation very well - if he doesn't work then he should be doing all the chores about the house.
It's up to you - but personally, I would not be there with him. We all deserve a better life and he seems to be pulling you down.
2006-09-04 14:51:23 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
I guess if you can't get better. I mean if you're like 300 lbs and pimply and stinky he might be the best you'll ever do.
Personally, I'm quite attractive and even entertained leaving my husband for another man when he lost his job. I don't have respect for any man without a job. Sorry, that's just me, I can get better at any given moment. I've had lots of offers but I've turned them down.
Again, it's up to you whether you think you're better with or without him.
2006-09-04 14:48:30 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
Sweetheart you are in the situation I was in five years ago. You are a co-dependent, which means you enable him to sit on his butt and do nothing. Although you want him to work you are scared for him to work because you don't want him to be overwhelmed and relapse. I can tell you, without going in details, you can't save him nor can you heal him. You can only pray for him, but please don't put the unrealistic pressure and expectation on you. You are setting yourself up for failure. Love yourself and make sure you continue a relationship with your mom regardless.
2006-09-04 15:40:34 · answer #10 · answered by Tanja S 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋