Is this a good story/ beginning of story?

Question

http://www.fictionpress.com/read.php?storyid=2236648
There are four chapters, or depending on when you click on it five. The chapter bar is the arrows next to the thing that says prolouge, or legend of the twilight crystal, or Car Crash, or Rifting, or Colenel and Secret Organizations.
Please keep in mind that i am 13 and i am not very focused!

ps. the annihilators were created by the Anikazel, so dont take it offensively if you find it offensive. actually the majority of people in the area when the annihilators formed left. The annihilators were 13000 rouges, not nessecarily muslims.

Answer 1

It looks fine, but I would offer some suggestions:
1. You don't need harsh language ("sh*t!"). I'm not saying that it's bad for the story, but it can jerk readers out of the moment. Use it sparingly.
2. Don't be afraid to take a few sentences and describe your characters and setting. We, the reader, don't know what Luke, or his immediate surroundings, look like. You should use descriptions to set the mood, which is important to successful story writing.
3. Longer chapters would be nice. I can understand writing short, quick chapters to get more of them, but if you take the time to write longer chapters, your readers will be more satisfied.

Answer 2

i locate it a splash confusing. the 1st line does not make plenty experience. i think of you're describing a woman working with the aid of a grave backyard even though it in simple terms does not make plenty experience. What do you mean with the help of bark coated land? Withered graves? I recommend which you go away this out, replace it, or complicated on it extra deeply. Take out the sprint between Please and come out. ( "David, please come out!") It nonetheless has the comparable effect even though it fairly is written properly now. Rhythmic beat of my dashing toes is on the brink of being cliche. In maximum scenes the place somebody is working, the sound of their toes moving is pronounced. How is the silence of the night biting at your epidermis? i understand you are trying to make a catchy metaphor or some thing even though it does not make experience. Why did she unstrap a buckle on her heels? Did she take her shoes off? Why? Your sentences are not complete sentences. (Now come out!) you employ words like darkness, shadow and determine repetitively. try changing it up some. different than that, it rather is all in simple terms critique. This sounds like it would desire to be an thrilling plot and that i'm curious of who the dark determine is. i'm hoping i've got helped some. Goodluck and save writing

Answer 3

I thought your prologue was far too long and convoluted.

Had a quick look at 'legend' - some good bits but a bit disjointed.

You know, they say that to be a good writer you have to Edit, then Edit some more, then go back and Edit even more !!

Good effort though.

Answer 4

Very good and keep on writing and one day you may be rich like JK Rowling

Answer 5

hmm...your story might offend some people, but it's creative how you manipulated the present times. i suggest adding more details, but you've got a nice start.