How can I persuade my 17yo daughter that her boyfriend is a potentially dangerous control freak?

Question

My daughters boyfriend tells her not to wear clothes he doesn't like and to thow them away, he insists she texts him every thirty minutes and makes her tell him where she has been and who she has spoken to. She bumped into him the other week and he manhandled her to the floor and pinned her down. He knows I do not like his behaviour and tells her he doesn't like me and my family as we interfere. I have been through abusive relationships myself and have tried talking to her but she says she really loves him. Any ideas?

I have told her that no matter what happens I will always be there for her and that my door is always open. I have backed off telling her how bad he is and only comment when she does complain about him.

He has put so much pressure on her that her week consists of me and him. She has no friends because he doesn't like them.

Answer 1

There is really not much you could do. The more you tell her something about him the more she going to want to be with him.(sorry) What you can do is keep an eye on them,even if she does call you nosy, so what you got her best interest in mind.Just make sure he does not hurt her physically.Next time he pins her to the floor you pin him to the floor and see if she will help you.Too many young girls are getting killed by these stupid control freak boyfriends so we as mothers got to get in their business whether they like it or not cause if something happens to her you will never forgive yourself for not getting aggressive about their so called relationship. INTERFERE that is the child you birth he is just a passing boyfriend.Next time she tell you she loves him tell her that is not love that's a person that needs someone to control because he got some issues of his own and he found an easy target which is her.

Answer 2

I work with young people aged 16 - 17 and what i find with 17 year olds is that they are really confused. They are at an age where they are legally to old to be a child and to young to be classed as an adult. They are in the limbo year where having no boyfriend is worse than being with a violent one.
To a 17 year old having a drama in your life is the norm. They mistake control & temper for care & feelings.

I can understand your concern but you have to tred carefully. If you try and push her (tell her what to do) she'll do the opposite. i know i did. If you use your past to explain your concern she may feel you want to prove all men are bad so you can keep her at home.

The only thing you can do is let her make her choices and learn by her mistakes. Hopefuly her relationship will phase out. But she needs to know, that if it does get worse and she needs her mum, that there will be no 'i told you so'. she needs to feel that the door is open so you can talk and support her.

Good luck and i hope all ends well

Answer 3

You won't. It's difficult as a parent as we have been there seen it and done it and try o teach our kids from our own experience - but the thing is - those experiences are what made us who we are. No doubt, we all had similar experiences at 17 of parents no liking our bf or gf. It's a cycle, becasue looking back now, we realise our parents were rightr - and she is going to have to go through that learning curve. It's part of maturing.

At 17 you think you know everything and that you are immortal - well, I know I did, and nothing anybody tells you will change your mind. You need these little life lessons to give you a bit of reality.

Don't interfere - it will push her towards him. I know it's hard, but you have to sit back and be ready to pick up the pieces!

Answer 4

Ooo, I think this is very difficult. If you tell her outright I feel she will think you are trying to 'kill her joy' or even be jealous of her having a relationship. What I would do is speak to her friends - ask them what they think of her boyfriend's behaviour and see if they can do the 'persuading' Even this has potential tricky consequences, but if her friends are sensible it may be worth a try - you don't need to tell them directly that you are worried about her boyfriend - you could be indirect, ask if they would ever go out with him etc....

When you get a quiet time with your daughter you could ask her what her ideal husband would be like? ; How would she describe a good father to her children etc. - get to think of her own positive roles for men, in the hope that her common sense would then kick-in, or if you see a suitable example on TV ask her if she thinks he's OK to treat her in that way - get her to start thinking of the consequences. At a later date, you could ask her how she would finish with a boyfriend, not obviously, but, for example, if something on TV comes up/ or something in real life / that could lead into that question...so you can help her build up strategies she can use when she comes to the point that she wants to finish with him.
I think at 17 it has to be HER choice, but you can plant all the right ideas into her head!

Good luck!

Answer 5

No alternative but to make this guy part of your family...but make sure your daughter has other friends and their partners around too. This may seem like hard work but the more you say you don't like him the more she'll be pushed towards him. Best way is to bring him into your home surrounded by normal people. Say nothing and let it run its course..your daughter isn't stupid. She'll make comparisons just while sitting in the company of these people and she'll see him for what he is... Good luck..things will get better!

Answer 6

It is hard to “tell” a 17 year old anything we have learned from experience because they just know they are right and we don't have a clue.

A third person may help. But most kids won't listen because they would be “giving in”. It might work to make jokes about it until she realizes it isn't a joke. I have seen on Dr Phil keeping records of obsessive behavior sometimes brings to light just how silly those actions are.

Good luck!

Answer 7

Dear Concerned Parent, it's never too late to help your daughter and it's always best to support her best interests. There are many things you can do to improve the situation. As one who has read about 20 books on Domestic Abuse, and helped several women, I have some good techniques to share with you! Firstly, do a web search on Domestic Abuse, and read as much as you can. This is clearly that kind of guy. The interesting thing is, all these guys do and say nearly the exact same thing. Uncanny when so many young ladies compare stories of being called 'his Queen', the cycles of stress-violence-and peace, influenced to wear dumpy clothes, and interfering with family support, work, sleeping, you name it.

Anyways, I recommend: to buy or borrow a large dog for when she goes out. Have her learn some basic self defense manuevers. Give her some mace, usually available at sporting good stores or gun shops. Those are all in case he goes on a rampage, which your daughter would have to admit, she does not know when he's going to do it.

Rent the movie 'Sleeping With the Enemy' with Demi Moore. She might see herself in that same situation. Share what you find on the internet with her. Discuss what kind of love it is... It's only romantic, and not nurturing at all. I recommend the book 'You Can End Abuse and Take Back Your Life' by Ginny McCarthy... many self-awareness and little quizes in there (maybe like a taking a Cosmo quiz?). Please investigate with the local police if they can chat with him. Typically it puts 'the scare' into the guy.

After some relationships continue to marriage, it might take several years for her to fall out of 'love' and about 7 times to actually get away. It takes awhile sometimes for the lady to realize how much of jerk he really is. Rarely do the ladies know that the reason why he gets abusive, is because he needs a woman to knock around and berate to feel macho... because inside he's insecure. There's plenty of other insecure guys that are much nicer, if that's what your daughter is into. Please know that if your daughter stands up to his behaviour, eventually she will be free of it. Continue pointing out his faults, and continue providing emotional support to her. Take an active stand in your daughter's safety and future.

Answer 8

You have to be committed to her having a good and not a bad relationship.

She has to decide, she is more or less old enough.

All you can do is present a balanced view, ask her what she wants from a relationship, and be 100% behind her whatever she decides

You are 100% on her side and on this subject she's the decision maker, you're the wise balanced and trusted counsel.

Answer 9

tell her about your situations in the past..that way she KNOWS that you know what you're talking about. tell her that this is a sign of abuse, and it WILL get worse. it does not stop. theres PLENTY of good guys out there, so let her know that this won't be the only one..show her a movie on lifetime about this kind of thing..theres a lot of them. ohh or theres a movie with Reece Witherspoon too that has to do with a bad boyfriend. plus..guys like this get stalkerish, it's very creepy..if this is serious, you really need to take charge before anything goes on.
i wish you the best and good luck.

Answer 10

She may have to find out the hard way...on her own, she is 17 and Im sure she thinks that whatever she does is right. Try to not say anything because the more you do it may drive her away. She will see that it's wrong in the long run.