This became a problem immediately upon committing to marry her more than 15 years ago. It was as if she was saying, "OK. I got what I wanted now I control everything. Let me make him suffer for all the past failed relationships." I am misreable, and the only reason for staying in the marrigage is our two young boys. Yes, we actually managed to have children despite having sex less than once per month for all of these years. Now it seems that we are down to months that begin with the letter A - April, August. It's killing me and my outlook for life. What should I do?
2006-09-04 11:54:19 · 6 answers · asked by I plead the fifth! 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Great advice, except from Pandora - who obviously isn't being treated properly or simply holds a grudge against all men.
We are in counseling, and have been for nearly 1 year. I suggested it long before we had children, but she wasn't receptive. I have always expressed the fact that our relationships problems will become the relationships problems of our boys and their future wives, unless they see their parents as a loving happy couple, rather than two people who share chores around the house, but live nearly separate lives. I have been sleeping in the guest room for more than 7 years, and 1+ years on the couch before moving to our current house. This is not because I am a terrible person, it is because my wife is selfish and unsupportive. Sure, I am different now too, wouldn't you be?
2006-09-04 13:39:45 · update #1
There is something in wedding cakes which take away the sex drive of a female. I don't know what you can do...you have been had like so many guys. Women lead us to believe that marriage will lead to endless sex, but they are LYING to us. You might need to get someone on the side...just be careful or your life might break out in lawyers.
2006-09-04 11:59:32 · answer #1 · answered by Dino4747 5 · 0⤊ 4⤋
Man...I feel for you!!
I had an ex who did the same thing to me. We didn't marry, but "somehow" we managed to have a daughter as well. It was the exact same scenario. Promiscuous when I met her, but as soon as she knew I was serious about her, the frequency fell of almost immediately.
I sucked it up initially, but finally I vocalized my concerns and all it did was cause more problems. Honestly, I would suggest counseling. My ex tried it, but I assume that the counselor told her a few truths that she didn't like hearing because she never went back after the initial session. As a result, nothing improved...it was just a stalemate. I knew that if I complained it would just be another argument. As long as I didn't say anything it was smooth sailing but it was killing me inside. Eventually I had to "let her go" because I couldn't live like that anymore. I told her several times that I couldn't maintain a relationship without physical contact but it didn't change her attitude.
You need to get her into counseling and if she isn't willing to go, you need to make a decision: Stay for your boys but be personally miserable, or Leave, maintain your sanity and set up a custody plan for the kids.
I'm sorry to be so blunt, but I've been there and I had to face the same facts. I miss my daughter dearly, but I don't wake up with that "boulder" on my chest every day anymore.
I hope things work out for you.
2006-09-04 12:20:56 · answer #2 · answered by iipiki_okami 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You can't stayed married for the children. Kids pick up on things more so than people realize. Life is to short. Put for effort and suggest counseling and things like that, and if she doesn't seem interested she must not care too much about your marriage.
You can be an awesome parent even if you and the wife are divorced. Don't settle for less than you deserve.
2006-09-04 13:20:34 · answer #3 · answered by drgnfly1012 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You basically answered your own questions. You have two young boys! Did it ever occur to you that maybe she doesn't feel as sexy as she did when you first got married since having the children? Also, if she is taking care of your boys and not getting anytime to spend alone with herself or you, she may be stressed out! Have you tried arranging some alone romantic time between you and her? Do you compliment her or treat her the same as when you first met? If the answer is no to these questions, I wouldn't blame her for not being gamed to satisfy you when she can be overwhelmed and miserable. I think you should consider counseling to get to the bottom of what is going on and I commend you for not going outside of your marriage to someone else. Communication is the key and I think you and her should have a heart to heart talk with each other to figure things out. Good luck and take care. Pray for things to work out with you and your wife. Wow there hasn't been any progress with your counseling? I know you love your boys but what you think that are keeping from them, they actually can see and feel no matter how hard you are trying to hide it. A friend of mine who grew up in a household similar to yours mother had waited until she was grown to divorce her dad and be with someone else. When the mother told my friend the truth that she was actually miserable with her father, to the mother's surprise, my friend turned to her and said " My brother and I was wondering how you stayed around as long as you did!" Maybe depending on what religion you are in go to someone in the clergy and ask for advice. I am sorry that you are miserable. I know this may sound corny but maybe you should try to appear on Doctor Phil( I am really serious) on his website he has a section where you can try to appear on his show. I seen him work wonders in marriages such as yours. Sometimes things don't work out as we planned and maybe you will have to take it to the last resort that is divorce. I know you don't want to but I am giving you this advice just as I would give a woman.
2006-09-04 12:04:47 · answer #4 · answered by sam 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Two Words:
Marriage Counseling
2006-09-04 12:10:57 · answer #5 · answered by preludicrous 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I AGREE WITH SAM. WHAT ARE YOU DOING DIFFERENTLY, OR NOT AT ALL? YOU HAVE PROBABLY CHANGED JUST AS MUCH AS HER BUT YOU ARE TOO SELF-ABSORBED TO REALIZE IT.
IT IS NOT ALL ABOUT YOU YOU YOU ALL THE TIME. WHAT ABOUT HER. WHAT HAVE YOU DONT FOR HER LATELY? WHY DO YOU NOT INSPIRE HER TO SEXUALLY DESIRE YOU? THAT ONE IS ON YOU, BUDDY.
YOU ARE NOT TAKING CARE OF HER NEEDS, ESPECIALLY HER EMOTONAL NEEDS. YOU NEED TO MAKE HER FEEL LIKE YOUR #1 CHOICE, NOT JUST IN WORDS BUT IN BEHAVIOR. MORE THAN FLOWERS AND CANDY.
TAKE OVER SOME CHORES AND GIVE HER A BREAK SOMETIMES. FLIRT WITH HER AND TRY TO WIN HER OVER LIKE YOU USED TO.
DON'T THINK FOR A SECONE, THAT YOUR MERE PRESENCE IN THE HOUSE IS ENOUGH TO FULFILL HER. IT'S NOT. YOU HAVE TO ACTIVELY CONTRIBUTE TO THE MARRIAGE.
THAT MEANS YOU HAVE TO BE WILLING TO GIVE TO HER WHAT YOU WANT FROM HER. THAT MEANS APPRECIATION, ACCEPTANCE, VALIDATION, RESPECT, ADMIRATION, ATTENTION, AND EMPATHY.
POOR YOU. YOUR'E NOT THE HELPLESS VICTIM YOU THINK YOU ARE. YOU ARE SO MUCH MORE IN CONTROL OF THIS THAN YOU THINK. REACH DOWN BETWEEN YOUR LEGS.....FEEL THOSE? ACT LIKE YOU HAVE THEM!
2006-09-04 12:15:59 · answer #6 · answered by pandora the cat 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
get a mistress
2006-09-04 17:09:57 · answer #7 · answered by kltorres81 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋