Okay, here's some changes to my first paragraph. Please read, or reread?

Question

“Have you met her?”
“No, of course not. Dad’s waiting until the rehearsal dinner to introduce her. He’s just doing it to get under Mom’s skin.” Virginia Woolf Llewellyn, twenty-six, a newly-minted psychiatrist who poured her paycheck right back into the practice, was driving over the Tobin Bridge with her cell phone clamped between her shoulder and her ear.
“Don’t be ridiculous. He’s doing it to show off in front of everyone we know.”
“He’s trying to hijack the one day- the two days- when he isn’t the absolute dictator of the family. He’s always been like this, and now he’s having some kind of delayed reaction to the divorce, and some weird teenage rebellion thing coming about forty years late.”
Virginia was the oldest child, and of the four Llewellyn children she’d wanted the most to please her parents, and at the same time had wanted the most to escape the think tank that was the Llewellyn household. She was blond, with serious grey eyes and almost imperceptible tightness around her eyes that came of too many all-nighters at Brandeis. An engagement ring sparkled on her left hand, which was clutching the steering wheel perhaps a little tightly.
“Please, please, please don’t bust out the Freud. It’s four in the morning for Christ’s sake. I wish you’d take the time difference into account, Ginny.”
“I’m sorry- I just thought you’d want to know that our father is running around with a woman young enough to be our sister, and that he’s planning on bringing her with him to my wedding, and allowing everyone we’ve ever known to ridicule him, in public, no less, and also to tell you that you need to get your shoes dyed sea-foam green, and that I’m picking you up at Logan at four-thirty tomorrow and I need the gate number.”
“Seven.’
“What?”
“The gate number. It’s seven.”


It was not entirely true that Melinda Freidman was young enough to be Ginny and Dot’s sister. She was thirty-six, and was nine years old when Frank Llewellyn married his first wife. So, while she was too old to be his daughter she was definitely too young to be anything other than a polite acquaintance; and Melinda ( Lindy, as everyone called her) and Frank were most certainly beyond being polite acquaintances.

Answer 1

Hi there,

Here are my thoughts - use them or trash them as you see fit!

1. Show Don't Tell

One of the important rules of writing is "Show, don't tell." For example, let's say you want your reader to know that a character named Jim is quite tall. Rather than saying, "Jim was a tall man", it's better to say something like "Jim ducked under the doorway...", "Mr. Jackson gazed up at him smugly", or "Jim was self-conscious as they strode through the low museum rooms; he had a good two feet on everyone else..." One example from your intro would be saying that Virginia is 26. You could instead say, "she was driving in a car built for twenty-somethings" or "her twenties were being steadily invaded by her psychiatry practice", etc. A big one is saying that Virginia wants to please her parents - this is definitely something that should be shown - by her hurt reaction to any dismissal or disapproval, by her eagerness to clean a house before they show up or to figure out ways to discuss her achievements, etc.

2. Reader Trust

Keep in mind that most readers don't need to know how tall a character is at all, and certainly not in the first ten pages, in which you should give people a feel for the personalities and relationships between the characters. You have plenty of time to toss small details at the reader - spread them out throughout the book. The first few pages shouldn't be overly clotted with a grocery list of details as each new character is introduced. You'd be surprised the kind of subtle details a reader will notice - they'll get the point! And in general, you should never tell the reader the name of a character - it may just seem lazy. You can easily reveal full names by having other characters say them.

3. Take Your Time

By this, I mean - you've tried to pack a huge amount of psychological details about "Dad" into one paragraph. Normal people don't usually speak that way - they never, generally, have the ability to say things clearly. They'll stutter and stammer a bit. That's why they swear or say things like "I swear to god!" For example:

"I mean...ugh! He’s just trying to hijack the one day - no, make that the two days - when he can't be this - this absolute *dictator* of the whole family. I swear, he’s having some kind of delayed reaction to the divorce, like some weird teenage rebellion, but forty years late."

4. Engagement Rings

These come up way, way too often. I suggest going with something like "She didn't notice the bruise forming on her finger from the steering wheel being clenched into her ring." Whatever, I'm just picky.

5. TRUST TRUST TRUST!

I'm saying this again because it's so important. Before I got to the "I'm sorry" paragraph, I had already figured out that "Dad" was bringing some new romantic partner to a wedding, which was going to cause some family drama with his divorced wife. You don't need to have one of your characters remind us - especially because real people, who both know things, don't usually discuss it as though it's news. For example, take a family whose parent has died - they won't discuss, years later, how that parent died as though they need to inform each other. If anything, you can put something like:

"It's just...who does that? Who brings some girl - she might as well be our sister, I hope you realize - to one of these things? Where everyone will see?"

Note:

“Seven.’
“What?”
“The gate number. It’s seven.”

I love that. In a very subtle way, through dialogue, you've given me the impression that Virginia is really in her own headspace right now - she isn't actually focused on the person she's talking to, she's too sucked into the issue with her dad.

Anyway, the key is, writers usually do a lot more describing and a lot less showing, and it should be the other way round! I think that showing make the writing more interesting, more involving, and more invisible - you won't feel like you're being told a story, you'll feel like you're *in* a story!

Also, in the end, your work is your work - these are my thoughts, but anyone else will probably tell you something totally different. I'm picky, I'm rigid, and I'm extremely tough on writing, so please take everything I say with a grain of salt. I'm just a nobody on Yahoo!

Anyway, best of luck as a writer & happy revising!

Answer 2

I'm impressed - actually, I'm very impressed. You definitely have talent.
I'll admit that, from what I've read, it's likely not the sort of story I'd be interested in reading. But that makes my comment all the more sincere.

Answer 3

I liked the first 1 more. maybe u can explain who the people are after the whole coversation.

Answer 4

i think it sounds great

Answer 5

it's good. very realistic. :)