What are the signs of a man who is secretly gay? I am not even sure if HE is admitting it. What are some things to watch out for? He is a married man, has kids, but his wife is having suspitions that he is gay. Just little things he does and says. How can she know for sure. She has asked and ofcourse he says his is not, but she still suspects. This is a very good friend of mine and she loves him, but really needs to know for sure.
2006-09-04 08:22:38 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous in Society & Culture ➔ Cultures & Groups ➔ Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender
OK she has to know because this is the man she is married to and she deserves to know. There is nothing narrow minded about this question. She is very straight and is against gays. I have tried to have my hubby talk to him, but he shuts down and wont talk.
2006-09-04 08:35:09 · update #1
A Friend of mine has been married over 20 years and no one knows, well other then me.
@
2006-09-04 08:32:49 · answer #1 · answered by Forever Knight 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
There is no really specific sign that a guy is secretly gay. Everyone is abit different so it's hard to categorize them. Little things he says and does? Could he just be joking? Because sometimes little jokes kind of surprise people.. They're just meant to be overlooked, but some people look too much into them. She CAN'T know for SURE unless she asks him herself. There are alot of straight people who act gay, some don't even realize it. She should just ask him, privately. She needs to be passive and has to be willing to accept the fact he may be gay.
Something along the lines of... "Honey, I know this is a awkward and sore topic, but I have to ask.. Don't get upset. Are you gay? You can be honest with me, I love you, and I don't want things to be ruined."
Hope that sort of helps. If she's hostile to him, he'll never come out.. (If he's gay) She just needs to find a way to say it to him so that he'll open up, and that if he's not, he won't get offended. It was nice of your husband to talk to him, but it will NOT WORK.. So it's not worth trying again. It's veryvery hard and scary to tell a guy something like that.. The whole macho masculinity thing comes into it so it's hard to be honest.
2006-09-04 16:02:18 · answer #2 · answered by ockristy 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If I were you, I would not get involved. I understand she's your friend and that you care for here. It comes down to this. It a matter of she believes. If she thinks he is, she should just divorse him. If she stays with him, believing that hes is, then she would never be happy and her marriage would never work out. There's also an alternative- which I don't agree with- hiring a detective to see what's hes doing. And to answer the other part of your question, there aren't things to look out for. Gay or Bi men can act in many different ways. They still have their own personality. I understand your concerns, because I know of many...many..many... married men who cheat of their wives wth other men. But remember that not everyone is the same.
2006-09-05 01:28:35 · answer #3 · answered by V 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think you should mind your own business. I'm not sure how a married man who obviously has preformed well enough to conceive children is supposed to prove that he isn't gay but I do know there aren't any "signs" that aren't simply stereotypical superstitions and your friend needs counseling before he divorces her and takes the kids and everything else.
2006-09-05 01:10:54 · answer #4 · answered by tjnstlouismo 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Why does she have to know? Is she unhappy as things are ? Is her definition of a husband that narrow? Does he have to conform to her idea of what a straight man acts like? I don't understand the urgency in the question. If he is having an affair, the signs are all there. IF he is not, what is the problem? And why isn't she writing this question? What in the world is going on here?
2006-09-04 15:31:53 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
I went through this myself with my former husband. He continued to deny it, but we divorced after 22 years, unfortunately. Our story was much like you described above. Well, he always had very bad self-esteem, no matter how well I treated him and he usually said I was a good wife and mom. But he was generally very secretive, and developed a photographic memory for if anyone moved anything of his -- I think because he was afraid of being found out. He also was barely into sex when we first married, didn't initiate it much, and had trouble keeping an erection pretty often even in our thirties, then he kept neglecting me emotiomanlly and sexually, and he gave up sex with me against my wishes seemingly for no reason when he was 47 and I was 44.
I moved out, wanting to get counseling and improve our marriage, but I left to make him take me seriously and because he hurt me so bad emotionally. He never asked me to come back, although he had always said I was a great wife, and after a few months he filed for divorce. I think all this was so I would never find out. He also has had no girlfriends these two years since.
2006-09-04 15:30:55 · answer #6 · answered by catintrepid 5 · 3⤊ 0⤋
If he is not admitting it and she TRULY believes he is than she needs to either hire a P.I. or find a babysitter and fallow him so she can find out. There is nothing that will give it away. I know allot of gay men and allot of straight men. I have known allot of VERY straight men who come off as being gay and they are not.
The biggest thing I think I can say to you and need to reinforce is that she HAS TO be prepared for an answer she may not like. And it can be devastating.
Best of luck
2006-09-04 15:29:06 · answer #7 · answered by mysticalmoon1975 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Speaking from experience, this is something that the two of them need to work out together, without the interference of outsiders. If there is no problem with the relationship, then I'm not sure why she is even wondering. If there is a problem, they need to talk. If he is gay, it will come out eventually because there will come a time that he no longer wants to hide. (At least that's what happened with my ex when he told me he was gay.)
2006-09-04 19:43:44 · answer #8 · answered by StLMom 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
The only way to really know if someone is gay is if they tell you or you catch them f*cking a guy. Sorry, but that is really it.
You can suspect him of sleeping with men if he takes off for hours at a time and doesn't answer his cell, or if he never wants to have sex with his wife or if he is looking at gay porn on his computer or if he is reading books about coming out or if he is hanging around with a lot of gay men or if he is being arrested in well known gay pick up spots or if he has been spotted in gay bars.
But none of that is anything more the speculation until the day he sits your friend down and says "I like dick" or she catches him with a c*ck in his mouth. Sorry.
Ironically, if she wasn't so anti-gay, she would probably be able to get a straight (no pun intended) answer out of him. She could encourage him to identify as bi and support that. She could encourage him to seek counseling or go to a LGBT support group and see if it is right for him. She could go with him for counseling for their mixed orientation marriage.
The least you can do for her is send her over to Joe Kort's website at http://www.joekort.com/. He's a nice guy (gay) who writes for a top gay blog (exgaywatch.com) and specializes in mixed orientation marriages (he's been on Oprah and Maury Povich).
Have her read up on mixed orientation marriages at this section of his site. He's a good guy, I've been interacting with him online for a while and he's very nice and good at what he does. http://www.joekort.com/mixed_orientation_marriages.htm
2006-09-05 23:07:49 · answer #9 · answered by dani_kin 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Having some idea of what makes her think this MIGHT help.
But I'm with those who say "WHY does she 'need' to know?"
If there's a problem in the relationship, then that's what needs to be addressed (if they don't have sex, or he isn't into it, or something).
Otherwise, I think wifey, you, and hubby should all leave this poor man be. Whether he's straight and you all are insulting his masculinity, or he is gay but unable to face it yet, stop pestering him.
"You can't always get what you want."
2006-09-04 16:49:31 · answer #10 · answered by tehabwa 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
This question just shows how ridiculous anti-gay sentiment is. She is "against" gays and yet has more than likely fallen in love with and married one. So what happens next?
She loves him. But she is willing to forget all that because her being "against gays" is a stronger feeling?
I feel for your friend if this guy is living a lie with her, but it saddens me to think what will happen if he is gay. He is still the man he was and being gay shouldn't change that...no matter how "against" them you are.
2006-09-04 16:21:00 · answer #11 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋