Should I be concerned about this relationship becoming abusive?

Question

Should I be concerned about this relationship becoming abusive?
I'm getting married in the next few weeks but, I have some concerns. Lately he seems more controlling but, only in the way of what he says is what goes, regardless of what I say. Sometimes he talks to me like I'm only 12 yrs. old. Lately when we wrestle around he hits me harder than what I think he should. BUT he has never been physically abusive at all. He has called me names when we've gotten in arguments and only then. We petsitted for some friends of ours and the puppy would use the bathroom in the floor and he would spank it too hard, hard enough I couldn't watch and then throw it in the floor. My bird bit him and he thumped it and knocked it out for a while and told me that anything in is house is not going to act like that. I'm not sure if it something to worry about or not, as far as the way he might oneday treat me? He has always treated me like any girl would want to be treated, that is why I'm confused???.

He is not the jealous type at all. He does not follow me everywhere I go and he does not try to be right up under me all the time. He does not question my every move or acuse me of cheating or anything. So a lot of his characteristics are not those of an abuser. This is why I am so confused.

Answer 1

Although he isn't abusing you right now.....it does seem like he is abusing your animals.....maybe instead of abusing you...which will eventually happen he is abusing your animals instead. I don't think you should marry him simply because I think that if you do down that road you might not be able to turn around in time. I think you don't want to see it but you know its there. Don't marry him there are guys out there who are MEN and wouldn't even hurt your animal. Its not right even if it is just your animal its not normal....get away from him now......and find someone who is a women lover and an animal lovers.

RED FLAGS 2 LOOK FOR:

1. being physically hurt
2. feeling afraid of your bf/gf or fiance/husband
3. felling isolated, maybe even alone
4. losing your friends
5. changing your behavior because of your bf/gf or fiance/husband jealousy
6.felling embarrassed, put down, ashamed, or guilty
7. being threatened
8. feeling maniputlated or controlled
9. being afraid to express your own feelings of anger
10. feeling a nervous or sick feeling in your stomach when your significant other..is irritated, frustrated, or angry
11. feeling a pounding or fluttering in your chest when your significant other isn't happy
12. not being allowed to or being afraid to make decisions for yourself.
13. noticing that your significant other has very traditional (stereotypical) beliefs about women and men.
14. noticing significant other beliefs about the position of men and women in society are different from your own.
15. feeling as if your significant other gets too personal or touches you in an unwanted way.
16. not having your thoughts or wishes for personal space respected.

Hope that helps...and please rethink marrying him...it could and probably will (if you decide to marry him) the worst mistake ever that could cost your life.

good luck and if you need to talk e-mail me through yahoo answers.......:)

Answer 2

Absolutely you should be concerned. Any person who can abuse an animal can abuse a human, it's not that far of a leap. There are too many decent men available in this world to even have to think about being abused by this douchebag. Granted, it's easier to say you should leave him than it is to do it, but you should definitely cut your losses and move on. You can always try talking to him about it, but do so in a place where people are around (but can't really hear you) so that if he becomes abusive then, you have someone to call the police. Just tell him you don't like the way he treats your animals and the way he talks to you and plays to rough with you. Or, if you are going to be weak, let him beat you up for years and then stab him to death one night and use Battered wife syndrome as an excuse. The choice is yours, make the right one.

Answer 3

I Am Messing Around With A 54 Year Old Married Man And I Am 20 Years Old. I Been Messing Around With Him Since Last September 2005. He Has A Son Who Is 20 And He Is My Friend And A Daughter Who Is 17 And His Daughter Caught Us Having Sex Once Before But She Did Not Say Nothing To Nobody Because She Has Autistic And She Has A Mind Of A 6 Year Old. This Married Man Wants To Leave His Wife And Marry Me... But I Do Not Know If He Will Leave His Wife Of 21 Years! The Sex Is Good And He Always Said I Love You To Me All The Time And I Do Not Know What To Do. But I Love Him! We Never Use Protection But He Pulls Out And Ejaculate On My Stomach! We Have Had Sex In Werid Places!

Answer 4

These are definitely red flags. You need to get out now before it's too late. Even if he hasn't physically abused you, name calling is a form or mental abuse, and those scars last so much longer than the physical ones ever will. Those are the ones that hurt the most, either. Bruises and cuts can go away, but the damage done to you self esteem can last forever. You can do better. Move on.

Answer 5

If you are concerned about this I would get out!!! I have never been in this kind of relationship but my little sis was. I know if you love someone that it is easier said than done but if you ever get hit once chances are that it want be the last. My sis got out after about 3 or 4 beatings. and they only get worse with each one !!! My sister finally had enough when it became obvious to her the effect that it had on her children (not his kids) she was taken in by the Oh I am so sorry and it will never happen again line. I hope you decision is the correct one God Bless

Answer 6

A lot of people have the concerns and ignore them. Then 10 years and 3 kids later they are in a women's shelter living under an assumed name. Or worse. The fact that you see the warning signs now and are concerned about them is great. If you ignore them you will hate yourself more later because you will feel like you deserve it for not listening to yourself. The longer you stay with people like that, the worse they get and the less will you have and self esteem to walk away.

Answer 7

OMG! Do not marry this guy. These aren't only red flags, they are screaming red flags. You would be wise to run away, as fast as possible.

I know about abusive relationships because I was in one for many years. His behavior will not get better. In fact, during the beginning stages of a relationship his behavior is the best it will ever be. It will only get worse and worse. You cannot make him change because he doesn't think anything is wrong. Don't hang around just because you think things will get better. They won't. And for pete's sake, don't get married because you are worried that people will be disappointed. They'll get over it and you will too.

GET AWAY NOW!!!!!!!

Answer 8

get out now. once married, leaving will be nearly impossible.

he is showing the classic signs of abuser. hitting u during wrestling is his way of getting away with it now.

controlling things....oh yes, my ex was control freak extraordinaire. down to who i could talk to (which, by the way, eventually included my family).

i can also tell u he didn't start out abusive at all. it's been gradual. now that u are to be getting married, he's getting bolder. like most women, u've put so much into the relationship, u are either AFRAID to get out because u will be alone/won't be able to find someone else or u feel that putting so much into the relationship would appear as wasted time now. it's embarassing to admit u fell prey to an abuser. but their M.O. does not change.

get him/her to fall in love with u and ur charm first. (yes, women can be as abusive as men)

gradually start showing ur anger, jealousy, controlling nature. they won't be as upset if it's just a little here and there.

ALWAYS apologize for bad behavior and promise it will NEVER happen again (it always does and u always forgive, cuz by then u feel trapped)

get her pregnant/become pregnant so that u have that guilt to hang over their head to make them stay (child needs it's mother and father, after all, and no one else is good enough or will love them the say way)

can ya tell i went down that road once? i managed to get out while i still had a modicum of sanity. wasn't much, but was enough to get me out of it.

good luck whatever u choose. but if u are asking the question here, i'd say u already know u need to get out.

Answer 9

girrrrl!!!! it seems like he may treat you that way once you sign those papers. it will be like a liscense to control. let him know before you get married about how you feel he may treat you. you guys should be able to talk about anything. especially if marriage is being considered.
once you let him know that he has to value you opinions and you wont stand for being treated like a child because you are a grown *** woman(im hoping).
dont let him know these things in a heated arguement because it could go in one ear and out the other.
if you are close to the males in your inmediate family let them know your concern just in case **** hits the fan. have them visit you every once in a while by inviting them over.
if he does plan on being abusive he has to know that you are not alone and you dont have to stand for that.
good luck!

Answer 10

You already know in your heart that he is abusive, you are looking for affirmation. Look no further and trust your judgement. There are other fish in the sea. He is a shark.

When you break up with him and he sends you flowers, cries and threatens to kill himself, this is the start of a lifelong patten beware. I think that is what you may be facing. I hate to stereotype but I think I am right on this one, wspecially if he spanks puppies.