The snake was a temptation,
That I couldn't resist.
I'd read that sinners go to hell,
yet still I took the risk.
The snake's inside me, as I speak,
The devil's in my hand.
I suddenly feel that I am naked
I look down and I am.
It was that night that changed me,
From good to full of sin.
The lust and and hatred in this world,
Had killed the good within.
My short lived life is over,
I've had ten thousand snake bites
Human nature captured me,
And is capturing all the light.
2006-09-04 04:10:29 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous in Arts & Humanities ➔ Other - Arts & Humanities
It is a little violent and weired.
2006-09-04 04:13:13 · answer #1 · answered by gymnastics617 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I liked your last one, and I like this one, too. You have a good, biblical theme going with your poetry. The only thing I have with this one is: Why ten thousand snake bites? Isn't one enough? Especially when you're talking about a figurative snake bite, a metaphor for the introduction of man's carnal nature into a pure soul? Even so, I like this piece, and I continue to be pleased by your work. Keep doing it.
2006-09-07 10:14:25 · answer #2 · answered by indian_ernie42 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i don't like the beginning or the end with the snake bites. it sounds like a kid saying "mommy look i had ten thousand ant bites!" take it more seriously than then thousand. also, i like the human nature is capturing me and is capturing all the light. very creative. just change the devils in my hand junk and its an A+!
2006-09-04 11:23:16 · answer #3 · answered by funky_fresh_flower 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I quite like this. Much much better than most of the 'do you like my poem?' here. Actually this has been the first time I actually felt like reading it till the end and writing a comment. I like the imagery and the rhythm (and in general the rhythm is not sth that I consider a must for a good poem) It would also be great as a song lyrics, I think.
2006-09-04 11:22:12 · answer #4 · answered by nelabis 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
WOW!! That's really good. Keep writing.
2006-09-04 11:20:21 · answer #5 · answered by KIT-KAT 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
yes , i like your poem you should write more. i am going to keep it
2006-09-04 11:33:53 · answer #6 · answered by missy 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
dude..thats relly powerful
2006-09-06 12:14:34 · answer #7 · answered by ~!FISH!~ 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋