Should I stay or should I go?

Question

Here’s the deal: my wife and I have been happily married for seven years and have a beautiful two-year-old. But about four months ago, I got an e-mail from a former flame that I had not heard from for nearly 10 years. Like in the past, we went from zero to 60 in about three days. I don’t mean physically, but emotionally. The fact is, I never got over her when we went our separate ways and, apparently, despite being married and having two kids, she also never let me go in her heart. In the past, we were very close and very much in love, but life intervened in surprising and unexpected ways and we lost touch after college. Since she came back into my life, I cannot stop thinking about her and have fallen deeply in love with her again, as she has with me as well. And, trust me, this is not some infantile crush. This is serious, heart-pounding, die-for-you love. The worst part about this is that it has made me realize that I have never felt this way for my wife.

She is a wonderful woman, but I have never felt that fire in my heart for her that I feel for the former flame. But, still, I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to leave my wife for another woman, but I can’t deny that I have always loved this other woman and my heart is breaking under the strain of not being with her. We both want to be together and have told our spouses about the situation. My wife was very upset but calm and told me that I was probably just resolving my feelings for my former flame, which is probably true. But, at the same time, I am deeply in love with this other woman and don’t know what to do. The way I see it, I can try to stick it out with my wife and see if I can find the passion I once had for her, or I could leave her and try to make a life with the former flame, or I could temporarily separate from my wife, get some space from both women and try to figure out the best path. Any thoughts?

Answer 1

stay

Answer 2

I have many things too say... First the feelings that you explain having for your former flame were once there w/your wife at first.
I don't consider those feelings of love it's kind of lust. I feel that true, long lasting love comes AFTER that "heart-pounding, die-for you love" subsides and you're there with your best friend that you can say or do anything and she is still around and loving you just the same,. Someone who you witnessed give you the greatest gift anyone could give you(your child). If you were to leave for passion I think you would be making a BIG mistake. Especially because your wife is being so patient with you through this. My vote is to stay and work on seeing what you DO have. Remember, you chose your wife, keep in mind why and work with that, plus all the bonuses you've added.

Answer 3

You and your "flame" are not the only ones involved here, you both have spouses and children that could be affected. You both may be dissatisfied with your current relationships but sometimes THAT'S LIFE. You need to focus on YOUR wife and child, if something is "missing" figure out what that is a WORK to fix it. And your "flame" needs to do the same. She probably sought you out because she's thinking "is this IT?" wondering if her life would have been better had she done things differently.
Evidently, way back when the two of you went your seperate ways there WASN'T enough between you to keep you together.
You will damage so many lives if you pursue this.

Answer 4

The intense highs do not make a life long relationship. Science has proven that this intensity wears off to some degree after 6-18 months. You will never find what you are looking for, which appears to be life long infatuation. This feeling you have with your flame cannot last, so you are setting yourself up for a fall. Sooner or later, you will realise that love is a more calm, long term feeling and it needs stability not high emotion; you can't live your life continually in the clouds.

On the other hand, however, if this has just been a marriage of convenience and you never really had true feelings for your wife, it may be reasonable to leave your wife. But if you do leave, a) don't leave because of the flame, leave because you need to and b) realise that you will eventually end up in this everyday, calm, quiet type of relationship again. That is what makes relationships last past the dizzying highs.

In the end, you need to look inside yourself and grow up a bit. Think of your child, think of your wife, think of your flame's partner, and think of your flame who you will end up dumping when she doesn't meet up to your expectations.

Good luck.

Answer 5

if you leave your family, you're not only leaving your wife, but you're leaving your child. The guilt you may feel in the future for leaving both may eat at you in a way that is hard to live with for the rest of your life. 10 years absence from this person can be like a lifetime. You were just out of college... people can - and DO change as they get older. Neither of you are the same people you were back then. I'd be afraid you'd be making a big mistake in leaving your wife for something you had years ago... something that may not be there now. I'm sorry to say it, but I feel it's being selfish on your part. I don't mean to sound cruel, but I'm speaking from experience. Maybe seek some professional counceling. Good Luck to you.

Answer 6

Dont allow your marriage and family to suffer because of the past. This is just another trial that you have to face in your marriage. I understand that you love the other girl but think about it, you have already spent 7 years with your wife. It is not only a bf/gf relationship but a more deeper one. Do you think if were to be with this another girl, you will not grow out of love and find someone... or do you think it will last for 7 years. Think about of your daughter too... she is just 2 years old. It will be painful for her to see her father left them for another woman.

Keep the love burning for you and your wife. Start avoiding the other woman. Is she still single by the way? That is the difficult part of not having a closure. But somehow it is good to know that the person you once love is still there in your heart and the same with her. However, the circumstances are different. You have made a commitment, stick with it. Be Happy and goodluck! This is just another test for your marriage.... pass it.

Answer 7

Naturally you have idealized visions of this other woman, who can't be all that if she is clearly gunning for a married man and wants to break that man's children's hearts all to pieces. You have to let her go, you have to. Otherwise your children will resent you, your family and hers will see you as the bad guy, and you owuld be. You can't do the bad thing. You are too grown up for that. It will trash your life in ways you never thought possible. Stop now. You love your life and your wife and your kids. You are headed for a cliff ...get that dreamy nonsense ot of your eyes...btw your feelings are entirely normal, but that part of your life is over. You have no idea just what the homewrecker has been humping on these last ten years, she is just going through a down time...she will dump you eventually, as how can you trust a homewrecker who messes with a married man? You know, if she messes with one she'll mess with another. This would be the biggest mistake of your life. Please, don't find that out.

Answer 8

Wow, no offense, but how selfish of you! You say you have been happily married...what has your wife done to deserve this behavior? And what about your baby girl? Doesn't she deserve more?

I once read in Dear Abby that the problem with "falling back in love" with old flames is that you haven't seen all of their bad habits all these years. You don't know if she eats with her mouth open, or handles children badly, or hogs the bathroom. All the little quirks that annoy you about your wife -- be assured your old flame has just as many.

I realize it's a problem that you don't feel passionate for your wife. Keep in mind that if you hooked up with this old flame, no matter how fiery the relationship, eventually it will cool somewhat. And don't you question her morals for contacting you when she knew you were married with a child?

One suggestion would be to try a marriage encounter with your wife. It helped raise the passion level in my marriage. You don't have to be religious to attend.

Please think long and hard about this. I think you would be making a terrible mistake.

Answer 9

You do NOT need to leave your wife. If you are happy at all you can surely stay. You are suffering from a form of Limerance.
Think about this. Imagine yuor old flame being in your life as your friend. No sex. No misbehaving. Just being someone to talk with and share a cup of coffee with and to join the big list of other friends you have. You can reduce your desire and feel very noormal if you talk about it with her and make arrangements to continue your friendship in this way. Sex with her will not be more satisfying than with your wife.
Try to level the emotional surges that you are feeling. Your children deserve that. Your wife deserve that.
Give it five years. If you still feel the same way and your ex girlfriend is still available then go ahead and leave your wife.

Answer 10

You need to let your wife go. No offense, but she didn't do anything to deserve this. You have been married for 10 years, you are not going to find new feelings for her no matter how hard you try. You say that you are in love with this other woman. Don't make your wife sit around and wait, let her be happy doing her own thing. She will probably find someone she loves in a way that she never loved you as well. It sounds like you are being a bit selfish. Good luck!

Answer 11

Stay. Sam D. is right. What happens when it wears off...and passion like this always does. What about your kids? No offense, but you don't seem to have any committment to your wife of 7 years. That's kinda sad.

If they'll cheat wiht you, they'll cheat on you. That goes for you your "flame" and you. I understand passion for another person not your spouse. Trust me, I do.

But if your wife hasn't cheated or done anything wrong and she IS committed to the marriage, do you really want to hurt her? Why'd you and the OW break up anyway? Are those problems going to be issues again?

Here's the deal. Think about whether you REALLY want to:
*Create unhappy kids who can't trust their dad because he ran off with another woman, TOTALLY shook their world and forced them to be insecure in themselves and other relationships
*Be just like any other cheater
*Wonder if you can trust your new GF - because if she'd run off from her husband and KIDS, how trustworthy and good a person could she be?
*Worry about karma. You said your marriage was happy. Assuming your wife agrees, this could really shake her world. It would be totally out of the blue! Want that to happen to you?
*Deal with the shame when you have to come crawling back to your family
*Be ostracized from the people who can't forgive you. That happens.

Dude, you said you were HAPPY. Think about it. Also think about the fact that your wife was calm when you told her. She sounds like a good lady. She could've lopped your you-know-whats off and then you wouldn't even be able to cheat!

And maybe get counseling to see what is missing inside you to want to leave your family and obligations (and I don't mean this OW). It's hard to be a good dad when you're not around ("visitations" just don't cut it when you can be a full-time dad!). Couples counseling might be good also.

This sounds like an addiction for you. The only way to end addictions is to end contact altogether. Your flame doesn't sound like a good person at all. Honestly. Desires are understandable, but acting on them is a whole' nother thing.