Husband is 14 years older and am struggling with decision to leave.
I've just turned 30 - he just turned 44. We've been together 7 years and I'm starting to really feel the age gap.
He thinks the world of me and treats me really well, as I do him. We have no children together.
Its sinking in that 6 years from now I will be with a 50 year old man and I will only be 36. Can't sleep at night thinking about leaving - but feel really guilty. Even having panic attacks.
The age difference has never bothered me and feel shallow that it's starting to bother me. If I tell him how I feel he will tell me to leave, for my own good. But I know he will be heart broken, and so will I. He's always been sensitive about our age difference.
Should I leave while he is still young enough to get on with his life? Or should I try to stick it out and hope these feelings go away? (Have been feeling this way for a few months now).
2006-09-03 23:59:05 · 40 answers · asked by quay_grl 5 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
All the comments are great - really appreciating the advice. I have no family to speak to about this so very on my own here.
One person said - leave with what you came and leave him the rest. That is what I thought too.
Children were one of the issues that made me take stock of the age gap. He feels too old to have children, I want them one day but not right away. He agree's to having children for my sake - but putting pressure on to do it sooner than later. I'm not ready for that yet.
Good comments tho - it's helping believe me.
2006-09-04 00:14:59 · update #1
I am 12 years younger than my lady .. the age is irrelevant .. it is the age of the personality that counts.
Of course he is sensitive about it .. he is the older man and as such feels threatened that you will want to 'live 30-40 again with a man your own age' ...
The point is you cant leave a relationship based on 'how you might feel' .. I dont think any of us are enlightened enough to know that .. you need to sit down and think how you feel NOW. If you want to stay then stay .. if you want to go then go .. but you must reconcile yourself one way or the other otherwise your indecision and subsequent concern WILL start to impact the currrent relationship ..
Good luck with a very hard choice ;)
2006-09-04 01:34:48 · answer #1 · answered by enzuigiriuk 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
if you didnt think 23 and 37 was a big deal why 30 and 44 starting to create a gap? now your stuggling with a decision to leave and not sleeping thinking about leaving and feeling guilty about leaving and it pretty much sounds like you want to leave while he is young enough but want to know if you should stick it out. why not when in 7 years of marriage where youve treated each other well and leaving would break both your hearts and nothing till now has bothered you except that in 6 years he will be 50, youll "only" be 36 (which i think you say to contras marrying young to a man that was "only" that age and why now this age gap thing, like hes so much older now and your soooo young? ) im sure hes the same man he was then and will be at 50. think whats different now is you are 30, that milestone age when we joke were "over the hill"and start to think if weve made the right decisions in life.your depressed and these feelings wont go away, see a doctor and get meds. 3 mos is a long time with your symptoms. stick it out and see if that helps. take life one day at a time, the past is gone and who knows the future?
2006-09-04 01:26:55 · answer #2 · answered by smilingbluelady 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm not trying to sound mean, but you want to leave this man because he was BORN before you? And somehow not having any children together should be a factor? I am 49, not that old, and you are not that young. Not so young that you didn't understand that being married was forever, not until you got bored. You know older men happen to treat women with great respect, unlike younger guys. Did your husband get any flack about marrying a gal as young as you? I bet he didn't even care, if that was the case, because he loves you so much that nothing anyone says matters. Do you love and respect your husband so much that you would be empty without him in your life? Would you be living the rest of your life without your best friend in it? Would you hurt him SO bad by leaving that you couldn't do that, and you'd rather stay and save him from that pain because you love him that much? Or are you just worried that he's fourteen years older than you and he wouldn't give you a hard time if you went? if thats the case...GO. He really loves you.
2006-09-04 00:32:56 · answer #3 · answered by daisymae 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'd normally suggest to someone to leave their spouse if their spouse was cheating on them...but an age gap? Wow, come on. It's not like u didn't know he was 14 yrs older than u when u first decided to give your vows to him and now lately u are somehow feeling that age gap and wanting to bail? Personally I feel it's a very shallow reason because I don't know what it is that's bothering u about it. If u said that he treats u well and thinks the world of u and u knowing it would break his heart if u left, then I would say u are being really unfair.
This is just my opinion and it is still up to u to decide what u want but at least think about it a million times more before u make a decision because every choice comes with consequences.
2006-09-04 00:19:40 · answer #4 · answered by cheetah7 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I am in the same boat you are in. my husband is 63 and I am 38 we have been married for 14 years. For the last year and half I have been feeling the same way. We had a world win romance. Fun Fun Fun. We never fight , ever. Lately I feel that I have missed out an a large part of my life everytime I want to do something or experence something he has been there done that. Nothing seems to be new or excite him. We have two wonderful children. Please don;t have children just for the sake of you wanting them. They are a large committment. THey are alot of work and you do not want to be a single married mother. I know my husband loves his children but the generation gap has proven to see a big diffence in the way we are raising these kids. You need to have children with someone who wants them just as much as you do... Children drian you emotionally the up's and the downs You need a strong partner who really wants to share every experence you will have with these kids.
When I told my husband how I felt he siad the same thing. You should leave and be happy that is what I want for you. How guilty can I feel. It is not that I hate him. It is not that he has done anything wrong. I just feel like he is my friendnow andnothing more.
When I asked my parents how they felt and if they blammed me forthis problem. (They are very close to the kids. ) :They stated no it is not anybodies fault. We knew the age difference would someday play into factor.
I hear from everybody I talk to to do what makes you happy. I know in my heart that means leaving. To experence life with someone on the same field as me. But How can I do this to such a wonderful guy. How can I be so cruel and make him unhappy.
He tell me that he will be Ok May be bitter for a while but in time everybody heals. Let's not kid oueselves We both know what we want! My husband tells me to do it sooner than later so he can have the chance to find someone who wants to share there life truly with him.
Good luck Follow your heart. My older friends say you need to Don,t sit back at 65 and say think of the life I cold have had.
How you find the courage to do what you know in your heart you have to.
2006-09-04 01:34:26 · answer #5 · answered by soo 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
What is it about the age difference that actually bothers you... if it that you can't bear the thought of being seen in public with someone who is showing signs of ageing then leave him for his own good so he can find someone that truely cares about him. If its about looking after him cos he'll be elderly and unwell before you well, who knows what could happen, any of us can become ill or injured at any time. If its because you don't think you'll want to lead the same lifestyle think about whats changed since you got together, you must enjoy some similar things and why do you think this will change in the future? Its a tough decision but really only you can make it.
2006-09-04 00:02:50 · answer #6 · answered by seaside_girl_03 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
My goodness. You married at 23. That isn't an impulsive decision by a teen girl, infatuated with her first crush. Your husband loves you and treats you well. So, after seven years of marriage you've become aware that your spouse was older. It's sad that you just noticed that he's still older than you. You're "struggling" with the decision to leave him. Golly, you've suffered soooo much, trying to make your marriage work with that man who "thinks the world of you" Your suffering brings tears to my eyes. You say that if you tell him you are unhappy, that heartless bastard would urge you to leave, for your own good. Wow, he IS a classic control freak. Even after alllll your suffering, your concern is for him. Certainly, that explains why you are going to leave him while "he is still young enough to get on with his life" How noble. Since you're such a saint, and so dedicated to your marriage, nobody could possibly think that this decision to leave is inspired by some other guy or guys that are younger, and probably more handsome. Lady, you ARE shallow, and yes you should leave your husband. He deserves better. Go, and enjoy yourself. And, heck why not go for alimony. I suspect that hubby is reasonably well off, and you may as well screw him in that way also, as long as you're going to break his heart. Then, you can get on with your life, without being saddled with a husband that loves you.
2006-09-04 01:47:50 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
No where do you mention that you no longer love him in this question, and the only factor that I am reading into is the age difference. A person age doesn't change the person inside and whom you married. Maybe you should seek counseling first before deciding on such a drastic end of a marriage. To me, leaving a marriage because of a age difference is not justified. You were fully aware when you married him how old he was and as well as to who the person was inside that was standing in front of you when you said I do.
Hugs from a Loving Mom to a Brillant, as well as beautiful 8 year old Jared and Our Angel, Zachary (taken to soon but who will always remain in our heart) ~ Mel
2006-09-04 00:02:23 · answer #8 · answered by jaredsmommy2004 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Wow, thats deep honey. My husband is 12 years older than me...He's 38 and I'm 26 at the end of this month. The age difference doen't bother me at all but I have thoughts just like you but I don't freak out. Age does not define who we are. You are as old as you act/feel whatevever. I would say stay with him because you have no basis for leaving. Unless you find yourself attracted to guys more your age/younger. Then you have a slight problem. But you mentioned nothing of that. You said you love eachother so I think you should try to stick it out but definetly talk about your fear/issues with your husband. Maybe he is feeling the same way. Ya never know....Good luck!
2006-09-04 00:06:05 · answer #9 · answered by heatherlynnmorrow 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I always say you`re only as young as the woman you`re feeling. He`s probably thinking the same as you, worrying over the age difference. Stop fretting and sit him down and have a good talk to him and get the situation straightened out once and for all. Just remind yourself why you are with him in the first place and it should all be right from there.
2006-09-04 00:12:21 · answer #10 · answered by dnlrawson 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋