I opened my eyes
All I could see is the blue wide sky
You were no longer there for me
I could not bare to see
The truth standing right in front of me
The life I wanted is not the life I see
You feed me lies and now I plead
To our lord up above to show me the way, and the one I love
The world I see is not what you promised me
I live each day wondering if you’ve ever gone astray
My heart says girl you have to stay
I must be strong and let things come to past
Do I dare wonder if our love will ever last
You say those words like a bird chirps a song
Why do I feel like our life together is all wrong
I wait for the day my heart will say stay
I cry at night and hope my dreams will never fade away
I live each Moment waiting for hoping
You’ll make my dreams come true
You Inspire me to want something more
Now my new life is knocking at our door
I must I shall ask to come hoping and praying
That you won’t get scared and run
For these word pretty much must end
I will always love you with my hearts content
By: Shanee Ceballos
“ LIVE,LOVE,AND ALWAYS MAKE YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE”
2006-09-03 23:16:29 · 7 answers · asked by Alsgrl 1 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Other - Arts & Humanities
Its cool
2006-09-03 23:18:09 · answer #1 · answered by Erica j 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
So far, Caitfoofoo is the only one trying to help you. Do you really want constructive criticism as a means of poetic growth, or are you simply advertising a noble effort at poetry? You've conjugated the verb incorrectly in line 2. You've used "bare" when you should have used "bear." You have correctly figured out that the best way to avoid punctuation errors is to simply not use punctuation. This might work if the rest of the piece weren't indicative of a tenuous grasp of language, or if you're e e cummings. Isn't "up above" a redundancy? Read what you've written and revise it. I applaud your effort and your expression. Those are the first steps. Keep working. Remember: Writing is a discipline and must be approached as a discipline. The product of your discipline is art.
2006-09-07 10:08:17 · answer #2 · answered by indian_ernie42 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You say you love with all your hearts content, but you also mention the fact that you wonder if he's gone astray or that you feel that your life together is all wrong and that he inspires you to want more and a new life.
It seems like a case of 'should i stay or should i go' - if i stay there will be trouble and if i go there will be double!
2006-09-04 06:45:17 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
in the 3rd stanza, you should change it to: I cry myself to sleep at night, and hope that my dreams will never fade away. work on the rhyming, i would suggest changing the lines around: like instead of going in the pattern of
a
a
b
b
go
a
b
a
b
it will make the flow of the poem better.
I love the way you put all your feelings down and turned it into something that can change lives! Great job and keep writing! =) much love
2006-09-04 06:24:41 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Very good!!! Although you sound a little "needy" and need to "move-on" it dose express the pain of love lost and the hopelessness of life without love......very good!!!
2006-09-04 06:28:50 · answer #5 · answered by budlowsbro420 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are inlove darling! Sorry i am gay!
2006-09-04 06:18:15 · answer #6 · answered by Bruno 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Its good.
2006-09-04 06:18:23 · answer #7 · answered by Ocean 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋