My boyfriend is really stressed out at the moment. He has a lot of money and debt worries and he's stressed out at work too and wants to leave his job because its not enough money. I've been trying so hard to help him sending his CV off for various jobs, lending him money and buying him things but he goes out drinking with his friends all the time and actually screwed up a piece of paper i gave him with a number on to ring up about a job saying "thats what I think of that job". I know he's stressed I don't know how much more i can take. Plus his financial issues are affecting me now too with our mortgage. What should I do?
2006-09-03 23:00:21 · 22 answers · asked by ? 6 in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
Been there and done that. Quite honestly I am still there. You can't help him, he has to go out there and get his own job. He won't be focused nor committed if you find a job for him. Not to mention, if you are like me and may hold it over his head what you are doing, how you are paying the bills that he can't. That is actually adding more stress to him. The only difference between my situation and your is that I married him. He needs to get a hold of his own financial situation. You can bail him out, but he may be back there. Plus for some reason it makes them feel less of a man if you are always coming to the rescue. When you say lending him money, that is also a bad word. In a relationship, you really don't lend money. You really end up giving it to them. Unless he actually ask to borrow, it is looked upon as you offered therefore it is a gift. You really just need to sit back and be patient. Hopefully he comes to grips and finds his own way. The job market is tough. The good paying jobs are few and scarce. You may have to budget more.
2006-09-03 23:08:46 · answer #1 · answered by erotic_songbird 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Your boyfriend needs a short, sharp dose of reality. He has money worries including a mortgage with you, yet he seems to find the funds to go out drinking.... and what the hell are you doing lending him the money anyway?
If financial pressures are affecting your mortgage, then sell up or rent the property out. If his debts are spiralling out of control then your home is at risk if he is a joint owner, any one of his unsecured debts could file for his bankruptcy meaning the home would become an asset.... so you are right to be worried and concerned and quite frankly he's behaving like a little child.
Suggest selling the house and splitting the equity which would help him pay off some his debts, and take off some of the pressure... and if you want to stay with someone as irresponsible and childish as this, then you will have to start all over again. But he clearly doesn't seem mature enough to be able to manage his own finances, so you may be better off doing things alone financially.
2006-09-04 00:14:38 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm sorry but this sounds really bad actually, usually I would recommend that you sit and talk to him calmly and ask him what exactly it is that is troubling him so deeply.
It sounds to me though that he's behaving like an irresponsible arsehat. Trust me, you can not change somebody or fix any relationship unless BOTH of you are making the effort. I think he's having a lend of you and you may possibly be better off seeing a solicitor about your financial situation.
When relationships turn bad or emotionally abusive the last thing you consider is financial stuff, and you could find yourself sitting on a mountain of debt that is nothing to do with you unless you take action to protect yourself.
Do not let him treat you like a door mat, I know you will say "but i love him" but what you probably have is a mis placed loyalty and a fear of being by yourself. The worst thing about this is that even when you have been strong enough to end the relationship and rid yourself of the guy you will still have him in your life because you will be shouldering all the debt he left behind. Your future can be effected by it. Do not let this happen to you
People who love other people concern themselves only with the other person's happiness...he is not behaving in a loving way toward you at all. I think your relationship has become destructive and unless he has an attitude adjustment, it is not going to improve and can only get worse.
have a look here and see if any of these articles make sense to you,
http://www.womansavers.com/relationship-articles.asp
if you see the warning signs, do not hang around...get rid of this man before he destroys your self worth. Only try to save this relationship if he makes some damn effort and keeps his promises. I'm worried for you
take care
S
x
2006-09-03 23:23:12 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Maybe you should give him some space to think for himself.
He wants to move jobs, well let him sort it out ...its not you who is looking so why are you trying to push him? He may see you as nagging at him.
I have been in a job for 3 years and hated everyday.. but at the end of the day it was me that went and got another job not those people who shoved pieces of paper in my hand with numbers on.
If your finances are struggling.. my suggestion would be to not give him money and tell him you havent got any spare. The mortgage if both yours and his responsibility.. so you should support eachother. If you fell out of work, you would expect him to pay the mortgage until you found work and therefore i think you should do the same for him.
The other suggestion is, why is he struggling at work? has he had an affair thats gone wrong? sorry this might sound really bad but might be worth looking at other areas of you life.
2006-09-03 23:07:43 · answer #4 · answered by confused 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It sounds as if you live together when you refer to 'our mortgage'.
Your bf is not behaving at all responsibly but the thing about life changes (changing jobs, stopping drinking) is that it has to come from the person themselves.
Do you have a definite household budget and a clear idea of who pays for what? If he is falling down on his share of the mortgage you need to tell him about it.
But apart from that, I'd back off. As long as the mortgage and other vital household bills are getting paid, what he does is up to him and he is more likely to get himself sorted out if you leave him to discover his own mess!
2006-09-03 23:10:13 · answer #5 · answered by granny2006 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Quit trying to help him, he has to take the initiative himself. This is really odd, but it seems to me that when you help people, it can really blow up in your face, instead of appreciating you, they resent you. He's got to figure this out on his own. As for your mortgage, maybe you are going to have to get a second job or a room mate. If he keeps up this reckless behavior, sell your house and take whatever you have in equity, and let him alone.
2006-09-03 23:23:56 · answer #6 · answered by Kerry 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Let him know u've done ur best for him. But u have to consider a break from him....he needs to find his own way and get himself back together. I'll advise that u move on...and hopefuly, he'll come around before u move on too far.
But u are a nice girlfriend. You deserve someone who'll appreciate ur kind and caring heart.
2006-09-03 23:10:38 · answer #7 · answered by cookie_recipe 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My , you are too good a person!..i wish i had someone like you :)
if hes not getting to know you, let him live his life the way he wants. Give him sometime, so that he understands it..i mean have an open talk with him, tell him, how you would like to see him become and how much u are working towards it.
simply put, just show him this question of yours...he should understand. If not..hes not worth you.
cheers
2006-09-03 23:07:34 · answer #8 · answered by sree 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Back off. Just tell him you're there for him, but let him ask. As for protecting yourself, you should remind him there are responsibilites, ie. the mortgage. It's nice to know of a lady who cares so much. He obviously feels helpless and threatend. Just try to be yourself around him. Hope this helps.
2006-09-03 23:18:31 · answer #9 · answered by Tall Guy 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He really needs to sort these things out himself, he needs you as support not as a solution.
Get him to speak to the cccs.
Consumer Credit Counselling Service, They are free and are FANTASTIC.
www.cccs.co.uk
Why has he these debt issues? You need to think about this, if it's affecting your relationship then you need to rethink about it.
But offer support and listening ear not a telling mouth.
His best help is for him to help himself
2006-09-04 00:34:14 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋