I wouldn't worry so much about it. She is 12, and she is probably very curious and scared to death that all her friends already know 'way more' than she does about sex. She's curious, that's all. It would be hard for her to ask you, and I would only bring up the fact that you are there to answer her questions very subtly. She just wants to know what it's all about, but like you said it's a very embarassing subject when you're that young. It sounds like you're doing fine- you certainly seem to have your daughter's best interests at heart.
2006-09-03 21:46:19
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answer #1
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answered by Anonymous
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2016-07-21 11:42:36
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answer #2
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answered by ? 3
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If you are absolutely sure that she is the only one who could have placed it there then it is important to talk to her. Maybe she is "holding" it for a friend as some kind of misguided favor.
Let her know that she is not in trouble.
In a noncondeming manner sit down with her and tell her what you found. Ask her if she had watched it and if she understood what was on it. She may know more than you think or she may be really confused.
If she has watched it tell her that those are things sometimes adults do with each other. Assure her that if she ever has questions about her body or about sex then she is welcomed to come to you.
As for the film let her know that it is something that is just not cool for little girls to have. If it belongs to someone else promise to return it.
Good luck. I think you will do fine.
2006-09-03 21:53:38
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answer #3
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answered by San Diego Art Nut 6
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Don't freak, Mom. Kids today are a lot less hung up on sex than your generation was, though by no means are they being given more accurate information.
So the best thing you can do, IMO, is to sit her down calmly and just talk about sex, answer her questions, and DON'T treat it like some terrible shameful thing. You'd probably be surprised at how much your "sweet innocent daughter" already knows. Heck, *you* might be the one who'll need therapy! :)
But the important thing is to be honest and accurate, and say "I don't know" when you don't know, and not to evade questions she asks about your sexual knowledge or history, because she will ask.
And don't give her any orders, because you know that you won't be able to back them up, and she'll know it too and just rebel. I'm not saying she's going to go out and have sex at 12, but you have to realize that she's going to do it at some point in the next few years, and it can be dirty and sordid, or with someone she's in a relationship with. I know which one I'd prefer for my daughter. Besides, all the studies you read about say that kids with more accurate knowledge about sex and less emotional strain about it end up having sex later, less often and less riskily than kids who have accurate info withheld from them and succumb to peer pressure when making sexual decisions.
I'm sure there are a lot of good resources out there for talking about sex with your kid, so seek them out.
And by the way, porn isn't as terrible or shameful as it used to be either, so don't be freaked by the fact that she has it. It *should* tell you, though, that if she's having to learn about sex from pornos, she's not getting good enough information from other sources -- like her parents. Instead she's relying on her 12-year-old friends and lord knows who else.
2006-09-03 21:51:10
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answer #4
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answered by Anonymous
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Hey mum...
It really depends on your relationship with your daughter... how close are the two of you? Is she extrovert / introvert?
You're right in trying to factor in her feelings. But in the end, you'll need to take a moderated approach to this based on what you know about her and her relationship with you.
Personally, if you come to the conclusion that you are the best person to take with her about this, I think a third person perspective might be helpful. You may wish to avoid things like "You shouldn't do this....", try to angle it from a third party perspective.
Next think about what appeals to her... cause-effect or idolisation or curiosity. Then pitch the talk to her in a similar fashion. That might be more effective.
Last, I think you should be less worried about porn than her actually having inappropriate sex in future. So use this opportunity to build the bonds btw the both of you so she can approach you in future. Don't let it be the first step in parent-teenager friction. It's not dat big a deal. Start on this step : )
2006-09-03 22:18:33
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answer #5
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answered by Hang Tough 2
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don't punish her. she's a curious kid. try to be open and honest with her. i did the same things at that age, all i had to do was go in my parents room and find a video. it all depends on the relationship you have with her. my mom is my best friend and we have a great relationship now. she's going through some of the same things you are with my younger sister (she's 16) only its not porn she found, she found used condoms... if you sit her down and try to talk to her bluntly about it, she'll probably just block you out and give you 'yes' 'no' answers. you have to do it casually. let her know she can come to you with anything, you were that age and curious too once. best of luck.
2006-09-03 22:05:58
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answer #6
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answered by amanda 4
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Hey, been there and had to face this also. I went into her room when she was getting ready for bed and had the DVD in my hands. She saw it and her face began to turn red. She was opening her mouth to explain. All I said was, I know there is reason you have this here at home. I dont want to know who gave it to you and I dont want to know why you have it. Its trashy and very degrading. I want you to know that I will be happy to talk to you about sex if you have any questions, but do not relate what goes on in these porn movies as the way things really are. I do not and will not tolerate any such filth in this house again. You are way too young to even be thinking about sex. You have a choice, to either get into the car with me tomorrow and return this back to its owner or you can break the disc and throw it in the trash. The choice is yours. I know you were curious about what the porn was about and if you watched it or were planning on watching it. she nodded yes she was intending on watching it, but had not done so yet. She broke the CD and threw it in the trash. That was when she was 16. She is now 22 and she remembers that night very well. She tells me now.. that she did watch it and was very disturbed about it but it was comforting that I was willing to talk to her about it and guided her in the right direction. Good luck.
2006-09-03 21:58:07
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answer #7
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answered by Anonymous
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Well this is a hard one. You risk her not coming to you when she really needs you because you have "found" the DVD in her room. At 12 she should not be watching porn - It's illegal and also illegal for her to have possession of it. You have found it - NOW it is not legal if you leave it in her possession.
Sit her down, tell her you found it, it is illegal for her to see and be in possession of and illegal for you to give it back to her - Destroy it in front of her.
The ask her if she wants to discuss anything she saw on the DVD - in embarrassment she probably will say NO but leave the door open for her to come to you with questions.
As punishment - give her none. She is curious thats all.
Take it one step at a time girl - new territory is par for the course as a parent with teenage kids....trust me.
2006-09-03 21:48:13
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answer #8
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answered by Dave D 2
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You should speak with her and let her know you found something in her room and does she want to talk about it. She may get humiliated but better that then she taking a boy to her room and praticing what she see on that tape.
2006-09-03 21:45:52
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answer #9
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answered by â?¥ Pawya! 5
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First off, my commendations to you for not doing the crazed parent reaction, ie: my daughter's a sleaze; she's doing something I don't approve of; let's nip this in the bud immediately.
You characterize your daughter as "sweet innocent," but I'd have to ask first if that's a fair assessment. How many people really live up to that billing? Chances are, like most people, your daughter is multifaceted. She's got good features and some features you're not always going to be proud of. So try to stay away from labeling her based on your own personal beliefs.
The real question underlying your problem is: Does possessing a porn movie pose any irrevocable harm to your daughter's health and well-being?
Some would argue from a religious or moral standpoint that viewing porn is inherently bad. Others would argue, from a societal standpoint that propagating images of women that can be degrading and reduce them to sex objects isn't a good thing either.
You need to decide how you feel about those issues first, as your discussions on the subject of sex with your daughter will be rooted in your own thoughts on those issues.
In general, I would hope that you have a relationship with your daughter that would allow you to freely discuss the subject. Hopefully, you've already paved the way with frank discussions of sexuality as she's grown up.
In and of itself, my bet is that your daughter having the porn is more a reflection of your her curiousity than any deeply sexual desire to watch it. She's at the age where she's bombarded with sexual imagery and her peers are preoccupied with the subject. It's natural to want to see what it's all about, and many teens view porn as the most direct pipeline to that information.
Unfortunately, they're also at the age where they're ill-prepared to sort out the mechanics of sex from the feelings of love and passion they're experiencing on their own.
Frankly, I'd guess, based on my own recollections of youth, as well as my relatives' interaction with their own teens, that your daughter's looking at porn is just a one-off casual bit of experimentation. As such, you can safely not make an issue of it. As a parent, just make sure she knows your're there to discuss sex if she wants to. But keep an eye out for any changes in behavior that suggest she's watching porn more regularly or has more than a curious fascination with it. You don't want a 12-year-old substituting visual depictions of sex for building actual relationships with her peers.
I would suggest that your job as the parent is to assess what your daughter's interest in the subject derives from: Curiousity about the physical aspects? A desire to know what boys/men find attractive? Her own fundamental sexual desires?
Then you can have direct discussion in which you outline your own beliefs on the subject and provide and opportunity for her to question you and explore the issue further. But, as I said, there's probably no need to make an issue of it unless you notice some ongoing fascination she has with porn.
Good luck, mom. I have plenty of mom friends who've gone or are going through similar explorations with their daughters. It needn't be traumatic. Just remember you're in it for the long haul. The foundations you lay at 12 will, we all hope, pay off as she reaches maturity.
2006-09-03 22:03:42
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answer #10
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answered by reel_life1 3
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