Irresponsible huband? serious answers only please. A few weeks ago, our friend's marriage ended abruptly.?

Question

Now he often invites my husband out..football games, running errands, boy's nite out with a couple of buddies..drinking, bar, hottubing, sleepover...This past weekend he asked my husband to help him out with an errand his ex needed him to do in a city 5 hours out of where we live.
Hubby thought we could all go camping at a provincial park nearby. I disagreed as we have kids and a lot of back to school prep to do...finish shopping for supplies etc...and i couldn't justify spending travel money with fees for school, bussing, dayhome etc approaching. He went camping with his friend. Said to expect him home tonite. I had to call him to see where he was at. Seems they decided to stay another nite and get some golfing in the city. Said the city they were at was on the way home from the campsite. Liar. The campsite is located between the two cities.Instead of driving home, they drove back to the northern city.Am i over reacting? He's not usually like this. Married 13 yrs..mid 30's 4kids

Wow! Thank you for the thought each of you put into your answer for me.
You're probably right, Danza, I havent' given him much attention but we have 4 young children, I am wrapping up a job at a church and have started a new one at a Dr's office. Between kids, work, house etc...I haven't been much fun. As for giving him attention,I get up early in the morning to make his coffee and quick breakfast--toast/fruit, his lunch for the day. Used to do his laundry but his shirts ended up too wrinkly for him. He has had to clean and cook dinner the last couple of weeks as I started the new job so maybe he just needed to escape.
It just irks me that he pretty much has the freedom to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants without thinking of what the family needs.
I didn't want to go camping cause it would mean he & his friend hanging out while I tended the kids, with all this stuff to be done at home. I did agree that if we could get it done early in the week or come home early we'd go too.

I understand his friend needs support, but his friend also has a lot of single guy friends who could have helped out instead. Dale, my dad suggested that one too. My family thinks I am being too laid back or blasse about what's going on. Maybe I just don't care anymore.
I guess it's just frustrating because he has no problem spending time with his friend, yet has not made plans for us to go anywhere by ourselves (no kids/no friends) in over 2 years..even if it's just dinner out. And I haven't "let myself go"..lost 50lbs since the baby(1 yr) regularly get my nails and hair done. He likes to stress that he hasn't gone to play poker (monthly event) in over 3 months; this was not his choice,but due to conflicting schedules. I know y'all suggest to talk with him; I will, even though I'd rather take Joe's suggestion and beat the crap out of him lol. I did encourage him to be supportive as his friend is prone to depression so he'll say that this was all my suggestion.

Thanks again for your thoughtful replies. Y'all listened and I needed that.
I think I will leave this question/answers open on his laptop and he can read through it and decide if he wants to talk about it.
He's a good person, just a bit spoiled.

Answer 1

Not necessarily lying. He may have just been scared of your reaction. If you still can give him the chance to tell the truth.

Answer 2

I think Joe (earlier post) may have a point. You've been married 13 years with lots of responsibilities, and I bet it's a long time since your husband has had a buddy who's able to introduce him to so much fun. Even better, your husband can justify it to himself by saying that his buddy needs his support.

But he still cares about you - you can tell that, by the fact that even though he wanted to help his friend, he tried to make it into a treat for the family, too, by organising the camping trip. Yes it was impractical in your opinion, but he did try!

You need to talk to him when he gets home. I don't mean talk AT him, or yell, or accuse - that's not going to get you anywhere. Sit him down and tell him how his behaviour makes you feel. He's so caught up in his friend right now, that believe it or not, he may not even realise the effect it's having on you.

The other thing you need to do is, have a look at yourself. Why is it so much more fun for your husband to go out with his buddies than to stay with you? Have the four kids, the school prep, the travel money and keeping house all become more important than him? I know it's hard to juggle all of that, but he is your husband, and if your marriage is going to work, you need to remember to be the sexy, confident and beautiful woman he fell in love with, as well as a mom.

Answer 3

its called living vicariousely thruogh his friends recent batchelorism. the unfortunate side is if this wasnt the way he used to be then your in for a rocky road if you cant get him settled back into being a dad and a husband . its cool to be able to do things and not have to answer to any one and your husband is treading dangerously close to being single and thats not good for a marriage. as it leads to breaches of the marriage and isnt protecting the marriage. the closer his feet get to the fire the easier it is to get burned, thus your marriage is effectively over and it only takes one small inccedent to cuase that. then only thing i could say is try and real him in even if it means having a talk with this friend and remind the friend that if he was a true friend then he would be leading your husband astray. be gentle even though you want to beat the crap out of him right now you need him to not be closed minded and a woman on a tyrant can close minds on us lil brained men. you need a great plann and you know how to approach and get what you want as you are married to him. love him tenderly and beat the crap out of him after you get what you want lol good luck

Answer 4

Listen, chickadiva the best answer i could give you on my behalf is talk to your husband. Don't think your over reacting.It's normal to feel that way.Just tell him that you understand he wants to be a good friend,but he has a family to help raise.Remind him about the years and hardwork you both put in your relationship, and how many more years to come to enjoy with your children.I wish you the best of luck with everything.

Answer 5

Oh yeah. He's irresponsible alright. He should have told his friend to handle things with his ex himself. It should have had nothing to do with your husband. You need to have a serious talk with him. Ask him if he minds staying with the kids while you go off on a trip of your own.

Answer 6

When I seperated from my wife.....I turned to my friends for support and it gave me an opportunity to vent and discuss divorce matters. It sure beat sitting at home feeling sorry for myself. I was really weird being alone for the first time in a long time....so I was with friends every night.

I think your husband is being a good suppportive friend. But I also think he may be spending too much time with is buddy and neglecting his family.

There has to be a balance....maybe a gentle reminder would be appropiate.

Answer 7

Bad situation.. he's neglecting u and his family to play with the boys, it wouldnt be so bad if it was once in a blue moon but it seems its becoming a trend.. he is actting like his single buddies and well frankly he's loving it, who wouldnt.. but u need to get him to come back to earth into reality before u totally lose him.. and no ur not over reactting..

Answer 8

It sounds like his buddy has stolen your husband. I guess its up to your husband to say no to him. maybe his buddy wants to ruin his marriage so that he'll have somone to hang out with. I was with a cop, and i found that because he had so many guys around him with broken marriages, they always have stuff to do and he was always out with the boys. but if your husband was never like this he should be able to bounce back. maybe he feels guilty and pressured by his buddy, and if he's not with him , he'll be alone. but if it bothers you and is going on and on, then you need to sit and talk with your husband and tell him he may be saving his buddy but he might lose his family for it.

Answer 9

i think your hubby has found a new pal, and i think his friend is reaching out to him because he is going thru a rough time. I don't think it would be to unfair of you to ask him to limit his time with his new friend. I would definatly let him know that you were disappointed in his decition to go on the camping trip with school approching. and i would also confront him on why he lied to you. I would try to stay calm about the situation and don't act suspitious b/c you dn't want to seem like you are attacking him.

Answer 10

is the other guy gay maybe that's why it ended. and just maybe hubby is into like you know bisexual.ask him if he wants a divorce.and pay 1500.00 to 2000.00 a month for kids.something is vary wrong here midlife Cherise'sdosen't seem to care about you or the kids . vary sad. been married 42 yrs

Answer 11

He needs to grow up and be a man. This is a serious answer. He needs to be reminded that his family is his top priority, not his wounded friend.