Should you stay with your spouse after finding out he had an affair?

Question

I found out my husband was having an affair with a married women with a child that carried on when we moved out of state. When I suspected it, he mentally abused me for 7 months by making me think I was making it up so I would get more attention from him. I found out about the affair because I did some research which caused him to finally confess. He claims it was an infatuation and he loves me and only me. Now he wants me to spend the my life with him. We saw a counclior, and it helped some what... my husband claims in order for me to move forward, I need to pretend that his affair never happened and the way he mentally abused me never happened. A part of me wants to set up an web site with her name so everyone will know because she's a marriage counclior for her church. Yeah, can you believe that...I was shocked also. Should I pretend that his affair never happened and let him feel everything is OK?

Answer 1

No move on you deserve better & once a cheat always a cheat. You say he mentally abused you so why would you want him anyhow? If he truly loved you he wouldn't be having an affair to begin with. You can't pretend it never happened that is dumb. He is the one who wants you to forget it. You can forgive but you'll never forget. I would go find happiness by YOURSELF for awhile. You don't need to be treated this way by anyone.

Answer 2

This same thing happened to me. My husband was in Iraq and I was here with our two kids. He met a woman who works for the same company he did. He took her to Italy at Christmas last year and then in March they met up in Dubai. He came home in July for a visit and wanted to reconcile. I had already filed for the divorce two weeks before he got here. I cancelled the divorce and we are going to try and work it out. He feels the same way your husband does. He wants me to just forget that anything ever happened and that I didn't go through a year of hell. But he is what I want. My family being together is what I want. And so that is something that you will have to decide. I have learned that I can choose to live in bitterness and anger or I can live in joy and happiness. Of course being said that is much easier said than done. But I am now striving everyday to win. I am not going to let some floosy homewrecker ruin my dream and my kids lives. I have read this book over and over and it has helped me. It is called Created to be His Help Meet. You can get it on line at createdtobehishelpmeet.com. It has lots of stories, even ones where there was an affair. This book has saved my life! You have to remeber that your husband is only human and people DO make mistakes even ones that could hurt someone else. So I would only ask of you to think about what you truely want. Good luck and God bless!
ps I am going to pick up my husband from the airport tomorrow and he will be home for good this time!

Answer 3

Sounds just like my ex husband. The saying once a cheater always a cheater pretty much says it all. He mentally abused you because he felt guilty! Leave his sorry a**! There are way better men out there! I know it is hard. I left my husband with 3 kids and it was really hard and sometimes I was not sure if I made the right choice. Then I met my new husband and I know I made the right choice. It will be hard at first but it will get better. Good luck, with making this very difficult choice.

Answer 4

In some ways he's right, the hard part isnt forgiving, the hard part is forgetting..

If your willing to stay with him and make this work, then yes u need to bury this all way down deep inside of you.. and neither of u to ever mention it again.. it will do ur marriage no good if u use it against him in every arguement from now untill eternity and he will get sick of it being held over his head when u said u wanted to forgive him and make this marriage work to the point of if he's trying his hardest to be the man u want him to be, when he screws up on trivial things and u bring up what a cheater he is.. he'll eventually leave.. because no one wants to be ridculed over and over and over again.. so u have a choice, u can forgive and forget (which we know u'll never forget but u have to bury it) or u realize u cant do this cause its shattered u to much and u give up on ur husband and go.. but limbo isnt going to make ur marriage survive much longer either..

so its up to u, do u love him enough to do whatever it takes to make it work, or do although u love him know urself that u will never be able to stop thinking of the past and move forward..

Answer 5

He has to be an adult and accept the fact that he broke your trust and that it is going to take some time for him to win it back. Asking you to pretend that it never happened and that he never put you through seven months of game playing trying to cover it up is juvenile and selfish.

You will, however, have to give him some degree of trust. That of course started when you agreed to try to save the marriage by going to counseling. But you will never regain trust if you don't give some to him. You can't build trust in someone by constantly going around checking up on them.

As for the woman, let it go. Forgive her. You don't have to tell anyone that you have, but for your own sake, let it go. Vengeful feelings just build up like poison in the system. If she were a licensed professional counselor and your husband had been going to her professionally when this occurred, then I would say report it. This would have been a violation of professional ethics and possibly illegal as well. But this doesn't appear to be the case and you'll just be spreading more misery to keep you company.

I wish you the best. Know that you are not the only couple that has worked to overcome this kind of problem. Many have gone on to successful marriages after this kind of violation of trust. It just takes time, work and commitment.

Answer 6

Wow, this same exact thing happened to me. I tried to stay because I thought marriage should be forever but in the end i just couldn't get over either the affair or the abuse especially with him not wanting to talk about it so he didn't have to face his guilt. Bottom line what marriage can survive without trust and that is what you have lost here. Maybe you will have better success than I. Good Luck.

Answer 7

Inform the church as to what transpired because predatory type people often find people when they are having problems. Also did he use protection I would be more concerned this is a habit with this woman such that I might have a serious incurable disease. The question is do you still want him it sounds to me like you do not and that you are asking is he right and I am wrong. Look at the truth he is dishonest and he is abusive. If you like that stay if not go find someone else but make sure you heal yourself so that you do not end up with the exact same type of person. There are billions of men out there single or married or divorced pick what you want and go get it looks like she does.
My sister directly spoke to the woman who had an affair with her husband and told her the facts so she left. Eventually her marriage ended because he had a problem with being faithful. I truly believe he loved her but the damage he cost her by being unfaithful and to others is beyond comparison to having her freedom so she is happier. I feel badly about convincing her to go back because I was unaware he had cheated on her more than once. I say let her have him because he will do to her what he did to you. What goes around comes around and there is always something else better out there. Who is for voting on chocolate covered cherries as being better than any orgasm a man ever gave me? It is difficult to get out of a controlling abusive relationship or unfaithful because it can destroy your self esteem. Surround yourself with people who care about you. What type of example are you setting for your daughters and sons by staying with him. But that is my opinion. A relationship requires work on both sides. I have seen a few but very few who were strong enough to work through unfaithfulness but it is rare and uncommon usually caused by long term separations such as military duty e.g. Navy or Merchant Marines but it is rare. Usually even those that work they were faithful. Talk to God if you believe in God, listen to yourself. Are you happy? I left because I was not happy but my situation was worse he had cheated on me with a man possibly more than one I cannot prove it but I have little doubt about it such that my concern was HIV more than anything else. Same difference with a woman it is more common with heterosexual relationships now. HIV is forever. Love may not be.

Answer 8

No, you SHOULD not pretend that it never happened. I know he is your husband, but that is wrong. We he had the affair, he broke marriage vows that he made to you on your wedding day. I can't even imagine my hubby doing this to me. I feel for you. I am a big believer in marriage and I do not believe in divorce. till death do us part, for better or for worse. however, I do agree you need to seek some counsel. About the website, I agree on that too. People need to know that she should not be giving advice on marriage. Stand your ground and don't let anyone abuse you in any way. I will be praying for you.

Answer 9

If I was you, I'd be more concerned about his behavior once he got caught. This guy has control issues, and isn't about to own up to any responsibility he can pawn off on you.
Obviously, you're going to stay with him and whine to us about it. But obviously, you should have already dumped his sorry butt and you should still do so today. But you won't. You clearly get some sick enjoyment out of being the victim. Maybe it gets you the attention you crave. Be a woman and kick him to the curb. Now. Not tomorrow. NOW.

Answer 10

I have been in ur situation somewhat...I stayed with my husband only because divorce is easy and working things out takes time and patience...I wanted my kids to learn that no matter what you work things out...its taken a lot of hard work on me and also on him...I have to make sure I dont throw it in his face and he has to make sure that he earns back my trust...it doesnt come easy but you have to reassure him that in time you can trust him again but he has earn it and by doing so is by not triggering anything that may look like he's slipping...maybe spending a lot more time with you and the kids...it wont come at once but you will see it will come...mine also denied it for awhile and yes Christians do fall as well we are human too...so I know that ppl think that we should be perfect (we should hold a better standard ) but we do fall and make mistakes too..I know it may not look like you can make it but if you love him and he loves you try it at least then you can say to yourself look I tried and he tried...sometimes ppl just can't get over things...but sweetie do try for yourself and for him