Another Poem Red and say what you feel. Meaning is complicated and personal?

Question

Niether by death or departure,
I swear you are gone,
And my life like yours,
will still go on

And while I am mourning,
I know you are near,
and yet I can't feel you,
I can only feel tears.

Was it me that killed you,
or you that killed me?
our death was so sudden,
It was hard to see.

The pain you have caused me,
Has stung like a thorn,
Now you're dead and I'm dead,
I'll see you at dawn.

Answer 1

nobody killed anybody. life goes on

a thorn is only a prick that you forget about in ten minutes
Now you're deand and I'm dead -- because of a thorn prick?
again, nobody's dead - terrible metaphor

then you kinda shrug it all off -- see you at dawn

how is that, with all this killing and death?
you have to decide

death is final, it's over. No more see ya'

Answer 2

In my opinion, you've got an original approach and original wording in your poem and you've got a feel for poetry. I think it could be improved and that you've got the ability to do it. In the first line, I suggest you replace "or" with "nor" to carry that negative 'n' sound through the line and set the tone for the whole poem. In the second line, a contrast in meaning seems needed that might be supplied by starting the line with "But." The third line would be made stronger I think by dropping the "And."

In the second stanza, the partial rhyme of "tears" with "near" is a little jarring and I think an ingenious revision is needed.

In the third stanza, make it "Was it I who" etc, and in the next line "Or you who" etc. A better rhyme than "see" for "me" can probably be found.

In the final stanza, "Has stung like a thorn" and "I'll see you at dawn" seem to me not to be at the high level you have set in the rest of the poem for wordings and logic. I think they could be improved in a number of ways.

Your poem has the interesting thoughts and wordings that make a poem appeal to the mind and emotions. It's got the essentials. It needs a little polishing.

Answer 3

I agree with most of what haroldpohl2000 suggested. In addition, I suggest changing line 3 of your final stanza. As you have written it, "Now you're dead and I'm dead," it breaks up the rhythm, the unintentional meter, you've given the poem. Perhaps, something like, "Now, we are dead:" I could be wrong; I drink a lot of beer when I'm not being creative.

Answer 4

i like it and that i think of you have executed very properly with this. even nonetheless there is rhyme I thinks there is fairly of "Jenny Joseph" in there. the way the rhyme differences actually provides to the eccentric tone of the poem and how the lines shorten and the rhymes grow to be extra common and extra precise at one point, i think of fairly provides one the sensation of a customer who's gaining enthusiasm for the job. One line i do in contrast to very lots nonetheless, yet i'm not sure why is " i think of they clashed..i'm feeling spastic

Answer 5

A lover that has been hurt, sad and angry with his/her lover, contemplating suicide.
Not sure whether the writer did or did not murder. That part is a little vague.

Very gloomy and morbid.
But a fine effort.

Answer 6

ending sorta suked.

Answer 7

sucks