Unhappy College Student?

Question

I have an only child who is in her 3rd year of college. She is so unhappy all the time. She has no close friends. She doesn't initiate any meetings, she waits for others to approach her, Once they get to know her, she comes on too strong. I have tried to talk to her about it, but the more I talk, the more negative she gets. She can't find positives. She won't join clubs to meet friends because she won't go alone. She is a really nice person who is very sensitive. I just don't believe that others ever see that side of her. She has been disappointed many times by friends. She takes everything way too seriously. If someone doesn't call her back, she immediately thinks the worst. They don't like her. We are probably closer than most mothers & daughters due to the fact that she is an only child and has friend issues. I want to help her, but I am not sure how. Any clues on how to help?

Answer 1

Making new friends is hard work for most people--the key is motivation. Emphasize to your daughter that her college experience is only going to last so long, and that she should really be seizing the day. After it's over, making new friends will only get more difficult. When she realizes that she only has a limited time, she may kick herself into gear and take more risks.

Joining clubs in college is the sort of thing that you really don't need friends to do. If you try something out and don't like it--there is no commitment whatsoever and she doesn't have to go back. From my experience, getting involved on campus won me some of my most enduring friendships from college. Just remember the "no commitment" aspect of clubs and organizations, and the first time will be less scary.

If she is absolutely unable to face a social situation alone and feels a high level of anxiety in social situations, she may want to look into the possibility that she has social anxiety disorder. Knowing more about this problem can help her take steps to overcome her fears. Perhaps she could try seeking counseling on campus. Many campuses offer individual counseling as well as support groups for these kinds of problems. They are a lot more common than she might realize.

College can be a very difficult time, but your daughter is very lucky to have you on her side. Make sure she knows that she is worthy of friendship...many times, people who have difficulty making friends believe deep down, maybe even unconsciously, that they are not deserving of friends. This kind of low self esteem can make it almost impossible to build friendships and trust other people.

Finally, she must understand that finding good friends is a game of chance. So, the more people she meets, the better chance she has of finding some winners. Encourage your daughter to set small goals for herself to meet new people. For example, maybe once a month she should try to eat a meal with a new group, or in every class, she should try to get to know a person. These small goals can add up to big strides in building a social life.

The best strategy I can recommend for college is this: do what scares you. The best things that happened to me in college were the things that I was most unsure about. The only things I regret about college are the things I didn't do because I didn't believe in myself or because I was afraid.

Best of luck.

Answer 2

She has problems relating to people. I am very familiar with this subject. She is very much in her own head, and is not in tune with people's signals and the signals she is putting out to people. She tends to introvert in any situation that seems stressful. If there was an easy solution to this problem my life would be much much different than it is.

Personally, I think the areas of cognitive psychology and the study of human communication has a lot of information to help people who have problems with human interraction and self-esteem. It will take a lot of time, study, and trial and error to get to the root of the problems and to start seeing life-changing results.

The main thing, for now, is to help her keep her mind on things that she feels passionate about, and make her feel excited to be alive. You have to acknowledge the things that are barriers, and that they must be dealt with, but she shouldn't let it make her feel defeated. People will say "think positive," but it's a lot more easily said than done. Cognitive therapy techniques are very useful for that.

I could go on and on, but this is not a place to publish a book, so I will leave you with those bits, and hopefully it will be helpful.

Answer 3

Get her into counseling as soon as you can! She should know that there are other people who have the same problems, and that she is not "abnormal." Other people have faced the same challenges and turned out okay.

If you think her college environment is the problem, consider approving a leave of absence for a term or two. Just make sure she promises to return afterward!

Answer 4

Not even one clue, sorry she sounds a little like myself, I have one best friend and I have a very difficult time trusting people. This whole trust thing I struggle with prevents me from getting to close to anyone and right now as I have four years of college I want to keep people at arms length and just keep a couple handy if I need them for something. ( course I 'd be there for them too.) If they needed me.

Answer 5

im also in my 3rd year of college and when i first started college i went out and got a new job (more money) and i met alot of friends one in particular who i can alsways count on to be there when i need him so my advice is have her get a part-time job or full-time (if she doesnt already have one) she will be with those people for a few hours each day she will eventually gain some freinds

if u or anyone else has a problem email me or im me

Answer 6

Seems that is something she will have to do on her own. People in general shy away from people who come on too strong but some don't. Obviously she hasn't found the right kind of people for her personality.

Answer 7

invite her to dinner with a guy you know. Ideally he would be around her age and just sort of have a casual "date" but since you would be there, there wouldnt be much pressure as if it were an actual date.

Answer 8

as her mom you need to set the example....how outgoing are you?

how many close friends do you have?
She is learning from your interactions with ppl, too.

May help if she noticed you were trying more to interact with ppl.

just a thought, good luck!

Answer 9

i mean ur daughter has to realize that everything in life isnt so serious she needs to take life easy sometimes and let her guards down some

Answer 10

no