Is this good, what do you think of it, what needs to be changed...?

Question

Please Read, there wasent enough room here to put it:

http://walmartscosttosociety.50megs.com/

OMG, thanks for all the details of things
I should add! I would have put all those details in but there was a 3 minute time limit. But know after it was judged I want to improve it as much as I can. I don't really want to tell my grade, I was hoping maby you could guess what grade level it is???

Answer 1

“but do you know the “real” Wal-Mart? Wal-Mart was founded by Sam Walton, a retired U.S. Army supervisor who decided to commence a retail department store; he did, in 1962 in Rogers, Arkansas.”
The phrase “but do you know” is used to break a secret. The fact that Sam Walton founded Wal-Mart isn’t a secret. Try something like “It all started…” or “ Sam Walton founded the store in 1962…”

“Sam Walton is a retired supervisor of what? If he was in the Supply Corp then gives him some previous background. Also try and get his rank, all NCOs and Officers are supervisors. The higher the rank, the more experience, and the more respect is due to the person. A First Lieutenant outranks a Master Sergeant, but the Master Sergeant has been in the service longer and if he advises the First Lieutenant to do something than the Lieutenant will listen and more often than not take his suggestion.”

Where were the child labor laws violated; in China, in Thailand, or in the US or Mexico? If it was closer to home then it will have more impact.

Requiring a part-time worker to work for 2 years before qualifying of Health Care is a pretty bad policy. How long does the average part time worker work at a Wal-Mart. If it is below your 2 years then that just shows how bad the deal really is.

“Even when enrolled in the U.S. you must pay $1000 a person or a $3000 a family deductible before you get any health care reimbursement at all.”
Say, “..or $3,000 for a family…” Is it $3,000 per family member? What is the deductible for Medicare? That deductible difference will make your point clear and Medicare is the most common form of medical coverage. You could also call up two major medical care providers and get their time to qualify for coverage, and what their deductible is. How did you arrive at the figure of $0.75 per hour wage? Do you know the monthly cost of Wal-Mart’s medical coverage and are you deducting the premiums, or are you deducting the something else. A family of 2 is an average size family, you can calculate the cost for them for say 4 medical claims each year, and then figure out how much it will be for Medicare and maybe 2 other plans. SHOW your reader the difference. The devil is in the details.

“When a Wal-Mart store opens they don’t only put out of business the local family run “mom and pop” stores they even cost federal taxpayers money”
Say: …not only put the local “mom and pop” stores out of business they even…
“mom and pop” is a family run store so you say one or the other, not both. Explain HOW Wal-Mart drives them out. With lower prices yes, but do they intentionally undercut their prices to close the other business? Do they sell some stock cheaper than its value to drive out their competitors?

You also didn’t mention how they move into a small town, close down the family stores and then close the store. Using a near by store to handle the business, forcing the small town residents to drive a long distance to get their goods.

How did they pollute the city’s water supply? Was it from their trucks, their trash, or what? You should state the how earlier. What was the cost of the clean up?

“There are organizations like “Wake Up Wal-Mart” that are taking initiative to change Wal-Mart’s conduct.”
There should be the personal version “their”.
“…that are taking initiative..” should be “…that are taking the initative…”
Give information on how to contact “Wake Up Wal-Mart” for more information. You are in favor of the organization so make it easy for other people, who might be outraged with Wal-Mart, to contact them.

‘ I think Wal-Mart is morally and legally corrupt and needs to take action for what is right and like the organization; change there conduct”
Who needs to take action? If it is Wal-Mart then say, “…corrupt and they need to…”
If it is society needs to take action then say, “…and society needs to…”
What organization is right, it sure isn’t Wal-Mart? Or do you mean that Wal-Mart should do what is right can change their conduct. Again you used the wrong there instead of their. The rule is you can point to over THERE, but you are telling people that THEIR things belong to them. THERE IS personal, THERE is an item or thing.

“I hope you are now more informed about Wal-Mart’s high cost to society for low prices.”
You should say something stronger like, “Now that you are more informed about Wal-Mart’s high cost to society for “low” prices.” Put the low into quotation marks, illustrating that they really are not low prices.

Can you illustrate just how much Wal-Mart is costing us? For an average worker making $X.XX an hour they need $X.XX of rental assistance and $X.XX of food support from the government. The cost to health care is $X.XX per month. You can pick national figures, or figures for a certain city or state. You could even use the figures for you town.

I assume this is a Junior or High School paper. It would be good to list your sources, you don’t have to footnote it just list
Sources:
New York Really Big Magazine
Podunk Little Town Times
Obviously the New York source is going to be taken more seriously than the Little Town Times. Or is your only source Wake Up Wal-Mart? If so then you risk having your paper taken as a propaganda piece of the organization. If you have at least 3 sources (and Medicare would be an excellent one) then your paper will look like a more balanced and scholarly piece of work.

Your paper is pretty good, a little short, but it is right to the point. If you included more details then it would be a better paper. Do you have a page limit, or a word limit? If so then you should have told me because that would change how I would judge the paper. It would also help to know what grade and what class you are doing this for. Those kinds of details won’t revel your identity, and like I said before, the devil is in the details.

When I make an answer this long I put it into a Word Processor Program (Microsoft Word). It catches the there to their errors if you turn the grammar check on.