Why did I ask abusive husband to come back home to work on our marriage?

Question

I am really disgusted with myself. I have been in an abusive marriage for 8 years ( with him for 12 yrs). We have 2 small children a daughter 6 and a son 4. He is very verbally and emotionally abusive. He calls me the most degrading names, screams in my face hollering( spitting) nothing I do is ever good enough for him. I have left in the past,
so has he. This last time he left he didn't answer his phone for 5 days, didn't call the kids on his own, or didn't come to visit them unless I had to go somewhere. Guess what I did? I asked him to come back until he finally came home last week and the abuse has started again. I have decided that I am going to leave and go over to my mom's house to saty with her. I have plenty of support from my family and bestfriend. I am 33 and I feel much older. I don't want my kids to grow up like this. I want to be happy. I want to be respected. I want to be free. What makes this so hard for me to just let go of him for good and move on with my life?

Answer 1

Because you got married in faith and with love....you don't want to give up your dream...This man is killing you, maybe not physically but mentally! He's got you convinced that you don't deserve more, that this normal...it's not, and Honey, you don't deserve this. You deserve a man that treats you with respect and love. Someone who would never call you anything other than sweet names. Doesn't scream in your face, but takes your face in his hands and looks in your eyes and says I love you!

My friend went back and forth to her husband, and I would stand beside her if she went back again. But her husband now calls the kids names and screams at them. And the middle child thought he could call his Mom some of things that Dad said. When your 8 year old calls you a whore because Daddy does, I think it's way past time to leave. They don't need that! He pulls at their hearts then plays mind games. You should see those kids...they are so happy, they are talking like little chatter boxs, playing, being kids, instead of sitting on their hands and not moving afraid when the screaming would start.

If you can't do this for yourself, then do you want your precious children around him. Is this the kind of an example you want your kids to learn from. They are going to be at the recieving end of this abuse to. If he doesn't call them, don't worry about it. It's his loss. Until he learns to grow up, and that you can't treat people like this especially the man that promised to love and cherish you for forever-then I think the children are better off without him.

Pack up the kids and go to Mom's and please please think about yourself and those kids...You don't deserve this, and they certainly don't need it! Nobody does! Please be safe physically and mentally, make the break a clean one this time....and don't look back. I know it's hard, won't say it is, but you can't live this way! Pick yourself up and get to moving, and I will be praying for the you to have the strength to stay away this time......keeping in my thoughts and prayers........

God bless us all...........

Answer 2

U took him back because somewhere in the back of your mind u were hoping he will change. Well I hate to break it to u but u will never change him. He doesn't realize he has a problem and until he gets a hold of his issues, he won't change, not even for u. If u want to be happy and respected as u say, then u have to follow thru with your convictions. U can't have a marriage if there's only one partner doing all the work. And if not for u, think about your kids. Is this the kind of environment u want them to grow up in?

Answer 3

He has made you lose your confidence and self respect because of all the emotional abuse. You have to stand up and get out. Its better for children to be from a broken home than live in one.

There are many places that will help you along this long journey. Seek some counseling for yourself to help build back what you once had. Don't let this man do this to you. There are plenty other guys out there that will treat you and children with respect and love.

Answer 4

Hi, I read your question and my heart really went out to you, you see I have been in a similiar situation and now am free. There is never any excuse for abuse and it is never the fault of the person who is receiving the abuse. There are men in this world who lack confidence and respect within themselves and turn to those around them to overpower and control through abusive tactics, in order to somehow make themselves feel and seem bigger and better than they really are, but in reality they are just mean, selfish, weak little men with no guts. There is never any excuse for abuse. Love is not putting down your partner or hitting them or trying to control them through abuse, whatever its form.
It's so hard though...you see glimpses of that person you fell in love with and all is well, then something sets him off and the next thing you know he's directing his anger at you. I think that's why I stayed. I always hoped that things would change, that he would change and things would be like they were before, but they never change. You can't change a weak man who uses anger to control those around him. It's hard when you love and hate a person at the same time and you have kids and you keep thinking if only I did this then may-be... but there never is a may-be..it's not about us, it's about them. Men like this have deep issues that they need to get help for. Luckily I was able to get out before he really hurt me or before there was nothing left of my self-esteem or person. That's what abusers do, they try to break your spirit until a part of you dies inside. PLEASE don't let that happen to you. I know I'm being very blunt here, but I've been through this. I know it's probably harder with kids and etc., but for your sake and your kids I hope you somehow find the courage to say that this is enough. If your afraid, don't be. There are support groups to turn to if you need help. Just remember, you deserve better than this in your life and for your kids. You are not the cause of this abuse, no matter what he says. He is just a weak, pathetic man and doesn't deserve you....you are better and stronger than him and you will not let him break your spirit! It was hard ending the relationship and I felt anxious and stressed and wondering if I'll ever meet someone again but it's been a year now and even though I'm alone, I'm happy and working on my career and even gone out on some dates. All men out there aren't like this. I wish you the best of luck. Sounds like you have lots of support. I really didn't at the time and I felt ashamed to talk about what happened to me, until I went into counselling. Take care. A.

Answer 5

Remember that verbal abuse sometimes leads to physical abuse. Does he hit walls or break stuff? See his reaction to other people. You'll understand that his anger towards you is triggered by being unhappy with his current situation-marriage and kids. If he doesn't want to attend marriage counseling, then the right thing to do is to more on. Your kids are big enough to be harmed mentally and will pick up your husband's behavior. So, good luck, god bless and think about the welfare of your kids.

Answer 6

It is obvious that his years of abuse have severely eroded your self-esteem. To be rid of him - you have to regain your own sense of self-worth. It is very common for victims of abuse to tolerate it because it is the only thing they know. Sometimes the familiar - no matter how bad it is - is less frightening than the unknown.
Go immediately to your mother's house with your kids. This will help keep you from asking him to come back home. With your family's support - try to do something to better yourself emotionally and financially. Is going back to school a possibility? Once you are able to take care of yourself and your kids - you will realize you no longer need him in your life. Keep telling yourself that you deserve to be treated better. Before long you will truly believe that and can move on.
Learn to be tough. There is nothing better than a ********* - a woman Being In Total Control of Herself! You can do it! I wish you the best of luck!

Answer 7

No easy way to say it, but you're being a p*ssy.

It's terribly hard to face being on your own with two kids. You need to get some counseling for yourself first to get things sorted out. You need to start feeling good about yourself again and feeling confident. It's not a healthy situation for yourself or your kids. You and your kids come first.

As for the marriage, you may have accept the fact that it's over. Sometimes what we say and do destroy a releationship and it cannot be repaired. That's not to say that your marriage cannot be fixed, but both of you will have to change. You may be able to, but he may not. It takes two to get the counseling and follow up to make it work.

Again, get help for yourself first. You have some tough tasks ahead and you want to be physically and emotionally ready for it.

Answer 8

One of the hardest things you will ever try to do, is to get away from an abusive person, and stay away. Some how, they get a hold on you that is very hard to break. They destroy your self-esteem, and confidence in you and your abilities. You THINK you can't do it alone, or are lonely, scared, and not in financial condition to survive....but for you, and your kids , you MUST get away, and stay away. You deserve better than the life you're living.....and so do the kids! Good Luck!!

Answer 9

It's part of the cycle of abuse. You "think" he will change, but he doesn't. Some women end up dead, thinking he will change. You deserve better and so do your kids. Get them out of this environment. They don't need this in their life. They will grow up thinking this is the way a daddy is suppose to act. Make sure you STAY gone this time. File for divorce in this case.

Answer 10

you are just emotionally tired. look at your babies,picture them your age and where you are at right now,this will give you the motivation you need to do what you know is the right decision. Listen carefully. If you stay ,he will eventually kill you or put you in the hospital. Don't let your children have to witness that. Draw strengh from who or what ever you can,you are a woman and you do not deserve to live as you are,if he never sees your kids again they are probably better off!