This sounds really soap-operaish, but it's true. My best friend passed away a few months ago and she wanted me to adopt her 14 month old daughter since her husband ran away. So I did, but now I'm wondering what I should do about telling her who her real mother is. I don't think I should tell her when she's just a little kid, but when she gets older it may be harder for her to accept the fact, but I do want to play the matronal figure in her life. What should I do?
2006-09-03 06:01:07 · 28 answers · asked by Kaylie 2 in Social Science ➔ Gender Studies
The sooner the better. Show pictures of her mommy and tell her that she is in heaven. Don't wait until a certain age. Tell her early that way when she develops each year she will have more and more mature questions to ask you rather than all at once be shocked and hurt and decieved. The worst things that adults do to kids is lie to them like the aren't little human beings with minds...
2006-09-03 06:04:48 · answer #1 · answered by Nicol 2 · 3⤊ 0⤋
I think you really do need to tell her. Don't wait too long, but tell her as soon as you think she is old enough to understand. I would however start to introduce her mother to her now, keep a photo of her mom in her room, and talk to her about her mom, at some point she will start asking questions about it, and you can tell her that woman is her mom, but that she went away and that now you are her mommy, say something like "what a special little girl she must be to have two mommy's" (that way it'll make her feel special instead of weird). Eventually you can explain that "went away" really means passed away, and you can explain to her what happened to her mom. But I think that if you keep her alive for her it won't come as a shock once you tell her her mom passed away and you adopted her. I'd always keep the subject open for discussion, but I wouldn't make her mother into this mythical figure, just always be honest and truthfull about what happened.
She was a 14 month old baby when you took her on, you are going to be all she knows, so I don't think you have to worry about her not accepting you as her mother if you tell her the truth.
And BTW, can I tell you how wonderful I think it is that you are doing this! It can't be easy taking on someone else's child.
2006-09-03 10:09:31 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
The truth Sounds beautiful and powerful to me. I think the best time to tell her is when she is old enough to understand. Keep pictures of her biological mom and tell her there is a biological mom and an adoptive mom. But I would seek help from a family therapist or a social worker. My husband has trouble Sleeping because he was told his mother went to sleep so I wouldn't tell her that. What she may have a problem with is why her dad ran away. I'd try to at least keep up with his whereabouts so that if she wanted to one day meet him she could. God Bless
2006-09-03 11:02:20 · answer #3 · answered by tina 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My cousin past away 2 years ago leaving her 2 year old son. His father took him in and I help out as much as I can. He was told about his mother and he believes that his mommy is an angel in heaven. Its going to be very difficult no matter how you handle this. Just show her a lot of love and assure her that her mommy loved her more then anything in this world. Let her know that her mommy is in a good place. She might not start asking about her mommy for couple of months, giving that she is only 14 months. When the time comes be honest with her. Good luck
2006-09-03 06:06:47 · answer #4 · answered by aly_girl501 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think you should be honest and open with her about her mother. She is still going to consider you her mother, because you are raising her. If you keep the fact that her mother died away from her, she will resent you when she gets older. I think you should tell her in ways that she will understand. For example, a fourteen month old isnt going to understand a lot. You could tell her that mommy went to heaven. Please dont tell her that mommy went to sleep. I am not an expert, but I am a parent who went through something similar. This has just been my experience.
2006-09-03 08:03:37 · answer #5 · answered by sophie3 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think you should wait a while and not just keep telling her about it. Maybe keep a photo of her in the house and when she starts asking who that is tell her it is your birth mother. As she gets older, you can slowly tell small things to her. This way it won't be a shock and it will be just a part of her life. Right now she needs total bonding with you as her mother. Her birth mother is gone and she will not remember her. You are her mother forever now. God bless you!
2006-09-03 06:13:57 · answer #6 · answered by kb 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is really simple because its not like the mother did not want her, tell her the truth show her pictures of her mother starting now. The worst thing you could do is not keep the mother alive in the little girls heart. Tell her stories about her mother and visit her grave a child is never too young to embrace the love of a mother who died. A child never forgets their mother trust me.
2006-09-03 06:08:53 · answer #7 · answered by mdboomskwad.mc4u 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Put together a photo album with pictures of her mother and show it to her often. She should know who her birth mother was, but also explain that her mom was called home to god (if you believe in god), and she asked that you take care of her. You could also have her call you auntie instead of mom, if that makes it easier. The younger you explain it to her, the better she will be emotionally as she gets older.
2006-09-06 06:29:29 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Keep pictures of her mom around and tell her who she is the first time she asks. Secrets always seem to come out at the worst possible time and then the child is hurt unnecessarily. Tell her that her mom is her personal angel who is watching her from heaven and that she gave her to you to be her mommie on Earth. Or tell her how special she is and that you chose her to be yours when her mommy had to leave. Just don't ever lie to her or you will live to regret it.
2006-09-03 06:52:40 · answer #9 · answered by Kate 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Keep pictures of the little girl and her mother in frames on tables and in albums even one on the wall or something. Tell her that that's her birth mother. Do it now. She'll always know and you'll be more comfortable talking with her about it as she gets older.
Tell her that she is in heaven watching over her......stuff like that
2006-09-03 06:08:15 · answer #10 · answered by momoftwo 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋