How to make parents understand about separation anxiety?

Question

I'm teaching kindergarten and I have a student who is undergoing separation anxiety. I talked to his mom and asked her help by talking to her son about new faces, new school, etc. I even gave her pamphlets, books,and infos about this case. But she never listened to it. She continues staying with her son inside the classroom, never letting the child do things on his own, leaving her when he's not looking, coming back as fast as thunder when he cries. I offered to visit their home along with the other teachers to get to know the boy better outside school, but she declined. She's starting to get into my nerves. Now she's threatening to transfer the boy to another school if we cant do anything to make him be independent. What shall I do?

Answer 1

What an interesting question on a legitimate problem instead of so many contrived questions on Yahoo Answers! Thank you for writing it. I believe that Maslow talked about a child at various ages and showed how a successful child was one whom parents supported to make independent moves. Personally I was once a child like the child you speak of. My mother was extremely domineering and overprotective at al stages except the critical ones of a father's abuse so I can imagine what a perilous journey it will be for the child to have a mother like this. Still a day will come when the child has to brea away and make it on his own despite feeling guilt about having to make that separation. Ultimately life will make that separation. Would it be much better for the child to have parents that are great supporters of a child's independent attempts? Most definitely and the child would be much more successful throughout his life with such guardians; however, life will eventually cut the umbilical cord. It has to. In your case you cannot rectify all disfunctional families. You are in a caring profession however as a professional you must back away at times when you might be getting too personally involved . Don't allow their situation to harm your position at the school. They could easily become irrate if they feel that you are thrusting yourself too much into their family life. You have a lot of other kids. You are obviously a loving person. Focus more on the others and let this one go.

Answer 2

The problem here is the mother, not the child - she is the real one with separation issues. The child is simply being a child and doing what every preschooler does when getting used to school. Some things I would suggest are to talk to your boss and see if there can be an agreement reached about how long a parent gets to 'hang out' each morning (no more than 15 minutes or the parent is really encroaching into the teachers world).

Also, the parent needs to not leave when the child isn't looking. She needs to say 'Goodbye' and go and not come back - BUT the child needs to see her, not all of a sudden have her disappear. And you need to be firm with her and tell her you can assist her in HER job to make her son independent, but that SHE must make a committment to let him go.

You can perhaps say 'Lets you and I agree in writing to what we will do to help your son. I will agree to three things to help him be more independent, and you will agree to three things (meaning being honest about a goodbye and then leaving, spending no more than 15 minutes in the class each morning, and remaining gone once she leaves).

If she cannot understand she needs to do this NOW, because they don't let you hang out in grade school with your kid, then let her go - let her transfer him out. You tried your best.

Answer 3

the best you can...
but that doesn't mean that the outcome will have anything to do with whatEVER you do...
but that won't make you a 'failure' if you try your best and it doesn't come out the way you'd like...
and use it ALL as a learning experience...no matter the result...

we only have so much control...very little, really...
if she's starting to get on your nerves it's probably b/c you care about your work...you take it seriously. that's great.
but you can do something for years and years and realize that each situation, no matter HOW similar it may seem to another, is unique...
listen. reflect your hearing her by specifically addressing problems that the mother brings up back to her, the mother, so that she has the opportunity to hear that you're listening...
it's not your problem or the mother's problem...
it's BOTH your problems and maybe you can work it out together and maybe not...
after all, the child has to be factored in, too...
and he might not be ready yet...no matter WHAT you do...
; - )

but if your feelings are getting hurt, just check in with yourself and see if you feel like you're doing the best you can...
i get the feeling you are. otherwise you wouldn't be trying things like this yahoo answer dealie...
and the best we can is all that we can do...no matter what...

i'm a nurse. a really good one...
but i can't stop people from dying...

don't you have someone specific in your school, like a vice principal or principal, that you can discuss this with? i can see that you've tried recruiting help from the other teachers...
or if THEY're not equipped to handle this for whatever reason/s, maybe they can refer you to a division of your bd of education that CAN help...
or google for a 'teacher's hotline'...maybe there's something THERE...
good luck...
give the pts to someone else...i just want you to get what you want...resolution...
i think teachers are one of the most important and unappreciated professions available...i hope SOME of this helped...

Answer 4

What IS it with some people? "She's threatening to transfer the boy if we can't do anything to make him be independent," and yet she is working night and day to keep him FROM being independent.

The thing to do is to get that mom OUT of her son's classroom. Give her something else to do -- put her in charge of scrip or give her a committee to run or have somebody steal her minivan when school starts or SOMETHING.

The problem of course is that moms like this are NEVER willing to consider that they are the cause of their children's behavioral problems (this boy is going to grow up to be whiny, sneaky, dishonest, and cruel, unless his mother gets out of his face now). You can show them survey after survey and they'll still think that being right there for Li'l Punkin is the ONLY way, and God help you if you point any of this out to her.

Can your principal help get it through this mom's head that one of the key points to kindergarten is to start training children to be independent, but it can't happen if she's constantly there?

Somebody needs, very calmly, to have a chat with her about how she is undermining her son's independence. It may not do any good, and shey may transfer her son because she is offended... but at least he'll be someone else's problem, and you can work on the rest of the class for a change.

The sad thing is she'll probably transfer to three schools by the end of the year; her son's behavior will get WORSE because he can't develop any relationships with the kids or teacher because she keeps yanking him out; and eventually she'll find some doctor who'll put the poor kid on Ritalin because SHE is a screwhead.

(Background -- my wife is a kindergarten aide, after many years of being a "good" volunteer mom -- we have one child starting college this year, another in 10th grade, and a third going into 4th. She's been either a paid or volunteer worker in education since our oldest went into preschool 15 years ago. We see at least one doofus like this every year, the kind that makes you wish you had to have credentials to get pregnant. The principal at my wife's school is a prize, and he would be an invaluable resource in a case like this.)

Best of luck!

Answer 5

First of all, I wish there were more teachers like you out there. You obviously take what you're doing very seriously and are a caring, loving person. As much as you'd like to shake some sense into this mother, your hands are tied.

When you became a teacher, you underwent years of training, to achieve your certificate to teach. Unfortunately, they don't give out such certificates to parents. If this mother is being abusive, or doing something illegal to the child, you can call the authorities. Otherwise, you have no recourse other than to support the child as best you can while he is in your care.

My advice is not to let these incidents change your heart. Other children need you, too and you clearly have a lot to give.

Answer 6

Don't you just LOVE it when the parents don't teach their kids life lessons and then blame the teachers for it?
(end sarcasm)

Well, really, if she is going to attempt to change schools there isn't much you can do about it; but I doubt, considering what is going on in the class room, that the school board will allow it. Short of her putting the child in private school, and they will be much stricter about parents in the classroom.

You should ban her and all other non-volunteer parents from the class room. If she does decide to volunteer that make it a strict rule that there is to be minimal interaction between the parent and child. Actually, where my son goes to school, parents aren't allowed in the class room even as a volunteer. I'm sure that other responders will have more ideas for you to build upon. This is a very tough situation. I wish you lots of luck.

Answer 7

I think you should stop letting her come into the classroom. Meet her at the door,tell her to give hugs and kisses there and say goodbye and then bring the child to the room yourself. Tell her that the child needs to be independent and her coming into the room is making that tough. I had this similar situation. Mom might not like it at first but she will adjust and it will be better for the child. Better yet, meet her outside and bring the child in. Mom's and Dad's sometimes need to follow school rules.

Answer 8

Try giving him a tootsie roll right after she drives away. Eventually, he will want her to leave so he can get his tootsie roll. It may work. Another idea is to recommend testing for emotional issues.

Answer 9

I would say this is up to your supervisor then. And if she decides to transfer, you have nothing to worry about anymore. You have obviously done all you can to try and help.

Answer 10

When it comes to parents you'll have to accept that you'll never win. You should try to her make her understand that you are not her enemy and that you're trying to help.