Should I change therapists??

Question

Hi,

I'm 28 years old and have been seeing a therapist for about a year and a half re: a variety of issues, including self-esteem problems & past trauma (non-sexual, bullying from childhood through adulthood).

Recently I have also been having some sexual issues with my husband: he's been playing online games for some time and these days isn't that interested in sex that often & doesn't often get an erection even with my help. Or when he is interested, it's a "wham-bam" kind of thing. I discussed this with my therapist a few times and mentioned that I honestly don't think he's cheating since he's almost always home and online after work, and since I haven't found any incriminating evidence (credit card & phone bills, etc). I did say that in a way I feel that these issues are my fault though, because I'm not that experienced (hubby is the only man I've slept with in my life) and because I feel that I'm too fat.

The therapist's suggestions were:

1.) To place a personal ad in the paper seeking sex, to prove that I could get male attention (he said that I didn't have to answer the ads, that it was just to prove a point)

2. Look into "changing my body shape" (the way this was phrased is what concerns me--I've been desperately trying to lose weight anyway, but when we discussed this the topic seemed to be more toward becoming "hot" than "healthy".)

3.) Try to actively seduce my husband (not a bad idea in itself, but when I tried this and it failed, the therapist said (pharaphrased) that I should find something that works since at my age I should be having regular, even wild, sex. Which of course, made me feel even worse!!)

I don't know if I should change therapists or not. I don't get the feeling that the therapist is trying to make a move on me, but I do leave his office feeling unattractive and "damaged" due to the above.

Or, am I making too much of this?

My husband is most definitely playing online games, I'm in the room with him a lot in the evenings and see him play (he actually gets a bit upset if I go in the other room to do something else, he often asks me to be in the same room with him as he plays). I've also not seen any porn on his computer when I've looked on it.

Answer 1

i don't think the problem is your therapist. the problem is your husband.

added after details: yep, change therapists. the one you have is a quack

are you sure he's playing online games, or is he watching porn and masturbating?

Answer 2

I agree, it sounds as though your therapist isn't the problem. You only mentioned your therapist one time in your second paragraph!

I don't know what's going on, if anything, with your husband. But if you're feeling insecure or worried (even if the feelings turn out to be unwarranted), you should do more than just "mention" how you feel to your therapist.

Explain to your therapist that the situation is giving you lots of grief/anxiety, and that you would really like to talk about it. If your therapist declines or refuses to address the issue, THEN it might be time to seek another therapist. But don't go switching without considering things very carefully first; your (current) therapist has been working with you for over a year, and it would be wasteful to throw away the relationship that you've built.

Answer 3

Don't feel that your relationship with your husband is your fault. You do not need to solicit the interest of other men outside the marriage to make yourself feel better and your body shape/hotness is not an issue either in a loving relationship. Irrespective of what you look like you are a sexy desirable person to your partner if he respects and loves you. It takes two to make a marriage work and he certainly isn't doing his part to communicate and make you feel cherrished if he spends all his time playing bl--dy video games. This is clearly his passion at the moment and he needs to take responsibility for his part in the equation. You cannot make him do anything about it though but you can do something about yourself to raise your own self esteem.

A relationship between you and your therapist is personal and it involves a huge degree of trust on your part to open up to him. His job is to help you feel better about yourself and sort your head out. You should be feeling, at the very least, hopeful when you leave his rooms not dejected and worse than when you went in. This therapist may very well have helped you with certain matters but that does not mean that he is understanding and compitent on all issues.

As you grow/evolve your support needs change with you. Get yourself a therapist who can give you the support that you need now. In this situation a woman might be better for you than a man as you will both be able to relate on a woman to woman basis as well as therapist/client.

You are allowed to change therapists if you want to. It is your health, your happiness, your money you are paying for help and your choice.

It might take a while to settle with a new person but it is better than stagnating where you are.

Good luck

P.S. Your therapists comments at point 3. 'regular, wild sex' because of your age - CRAP

Answer 4

In a therapy situation there can often be a cross gender phenomenon where women prefer male therapists and vice versa. Decide your preference. I suspect that decisions are not strong points lately due to your issues.
Personally, if I were you, I would indulge your husbands gaming for a while and then inocuously suggest that you both use the computer to view some well choreographed, tasteful hard core pornography together and see where this takes you. This is only my personal opinion as a needful human being.

Answer 5

I agree with Sue W except for her idea that you need specifically a woman therapist. Would I be right in thinking that your therapist is receiving your concerns as a problem(s) to be solved? And then offering you solutions? And offering them in a way that you are hearing as him telling you what you SHOULD do?

My suggestion is that you ask YOURSELF (not the world) if you are happy with your relationship with him and with his kind of suggestions. For example, I would be horrified if my therapist suggested advertising on the Net for sex partners, but you are a different person and you maybe felt inspired by the suggestion?? Do you experience yourself and him as being on the same basic wavelength and that he understands you?

Of course, making a decision to change therapists requires some self-esteem, which is a quality you've been growing. It requires you not only to be discontent with what you're getting but also to believe "I am worth more than this".

Answer 6

There are many ways to approach a problem, just there are therapy and behavioral modification. Therapist use different techniques to help others, but the same therapy may not work for the next person. Sometimes it maybe because the person is resisting or blocking themself.
However in your situation it seems like you need another therapist.

Answer 7

By all means change therapists. Here's what happened to me.
After 12 years of therapy my therapist said something that brought tears to my eyes.. He said, "No hablo ingles."

Answer 8

Honestly, I couldn't stand a therapist like yours.

Answer 9

I'm sorry, but your question did not come through. On what grounds are you considering changing therapists?