I am a stud. And I met this girl online and she told me she was femme. I spoke to her on webcam and she looked femme. So we decided to meet, and when I met her she was as butch as I was! I was shocked.
I told her it wasnt going to work out and she started crying and basically made me feel like sh*t.
Was i wrong to do her like that? The conversation was great and I had high hopes, but she was a freakin butch that thought she was femme!
I've never dealt with anything like that before. She honestly considers herself femme, and didnt understand why I broke it off with her.
Am I a total jerk for that? i feel pretty bad but on the other hand, i'm kinda pissed off that she even wasted my time. She was very much aware that I dont like other studs. I'm like WTF man??? Where are the real femmes???????????????????????
2006-09-03 01:42:20 · 21 answers · asked by angelajock 3 in Society & Culture ➔ Cultures & Groups ➔ Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender
You're not a jerk. You knew it wouldn't work out and told her so. You're not responsible for her feelings. No one can expect for someone to try to be in a relationship to someone they aren't attracted to.
2006-09-03 02:13:56 · answer #1 · answered by Rain 1 · 0⤊ 4⤋
Well what I consider a femme and what you consider a femme might be different. She is obviously a femme, she is just not femme enough for YOU. I've been told that I am a butch or femme just based on what I happened to be wearing that day. I consider myself a pretty high femme, but sometimes I'm just hanging out in a tank top, jeans, and backwards hat. It doesn't change how I feel about myself at all. I'm a human being not a trained seal, it is not my job to jump through hoops on command and be the 100% super femme all of the time.
It sucks that she did not meet up to your expectation but you didn't have to make her cry about it. You could have just gone with the classic "I just didn't feel a spark. Lets just be friends."
It is not just rude, but it is incredibly disrespectful for you to tell her that she is not a "good enough" femme or to imply that she basically lying to herself and others just because she isn't who you want her to be. If you feel shitty, I think you kind should.
Next time, don't be so harsh in your standards and just give women a nice generic brush off instead of a dissertation on why she isn't good enough.
2006-09-04 02:14:51 · answer #2 · answered by dani_kin 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Yikes, how was she to know your idea of femme is totally different to her idea of femme. How do I know if I am femme? What, cos I have long hair, and wear lip balm? And I'm not femme cos I wouldn't be caught dead in a skirt or a dress, yet I don't wear tank tops and stuff socks down my pants?
How about opening your mind a bit and looking for people who interest you and not what image or stereotype they fit into. We're not running a library here, you can't catalogue people and shove em back on the shelf if u don't like the look of the cover.
Sheesh, I'm glad I've never chatted to you online. Just in case, is this the yahoo name u use to chat with... I'll make sure we don't bump into each other, to be safe. I'd hate to offend you.
2006-09-03 10:02:00 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 5⤊ 0⤋
No you are not a jerk for being mad at her for misleading you. Maybe she is a soft stud. It's ok to feel bad because you have hurt someone's feelings. A real femm is right here honestly.
2006-09-03 13:03:04 · answer #4 · answered by Necole 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Maybe she feels like she's femme, and you telling her otherwise probably gave her the shock of a lifetime... I think I'm femme, but sometimes I know I look like a total dyke. Never judge a book by its cover. If you liked her personality online, who cares where she shops?
2006-09-04 15:07:06 · answer #5 · answered by Cinderella 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you're in here asking, then, yeah, you probably were.
Did you get pissed at first sight and have it leak out the rest of the date? If so, you might be a bit too wrapped up in judging the package instead of who's inside. Femme-butch means different things to different ppl, and different ppl get to different levels of self-acceptance at different points in life. If you were kind about it, then, well, she probably has emotional issues to work thru and you'd loose no matter what you do. Live and learn, eh.
2006-09-03 10:17:49 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
Well, you should've given ol' girl a chance. If the conversation was pleasant, you could've had her as a friend. Butches and femmes come in all sizes, shapes, and colors. I don't think you were a total jerk, but if your conscience is whippin' your ***, then maybe you were just a bit rough on the girl. Live and learn, my dear, and maybe you'll find the right one.
2006-09-03 12:02:29 · answer #7 · answered by ? 4 · 3⤊ 0⤋
I would have done the same thing you did. It is best to be honest about the whole situation. But, although you feel she mislead you, do you think she might have considered herself a femme? People have different ideas about things like that.....
But you are NOT a jerk for being honest!
2006-09-03 08:47:16 · answer #8 · answered by kayro3 3 · 4⤊ 0⤋
I had the same thing happen to me twice, but I am a femme, a real femme and I only like femmes. The first girl I talked to online before meeting said she was a femme, but when we met, she was a stud. I was still nice to her and we went out, but I ended up telling her that same night she was not my type. The second girl that I talked to online said she was a femme too. She ended up being my first girlfriend, but she was a soft-stud only acting like a femme because she knew it pleased me. She only wore skirts because I asked her to, and the real femininity was not there within her. I knew she felt more comfortable dressing more masculine. I tried to make it work for two months but I ended up breaking up with her because she just wasn't what I wanted. And like the girl you went out with, she didn't take it too good. She kept constantly calling me and only recently stopped, but still tries to contact me from time to time. Some may say I'm shallow, but just like you, I like what I like. I have had studs ask me over and over why I am only attracted to fems.Both fems and studs scratch their head at me liking fems sometimes. I have had fems fems avoid me because they think that I want them becasue I like fems.But my attraction is natural to me just as anyone else's attraction is to them.It's probably not going to work if your not attracted to her. However, maybe she is a soft stud and really likes dating studs, there's also nothing wrong with that. And although I'm a fem that only dates fems, I can't begin to tell you how many fems LOVE them some studs/butches. I have had my heart broken many a time because a fem has told me she only dates studs. But I know there are women out there for me and there are for you too.
2006-09-03 22:52:29 · answer #9 · answered by indrep33 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Well no your not a jerk. She should not have lied to you in the first place. However you did say you saw on her cam beforehand. Plus you said she really thinks she is femme. Maybe she is confused on the differences or she is a bit of both.
You really seemd to have liked her up till that point so maybe its worth talking to her and trying to work things out.
2006-09-03 08:47:28 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 1⤋
NOPE. Nothing wrong with that. In fact it was far better to be honest and end it before things got intimate. I am afraid you have experienced one of the snafu's of "online" stuff. I have experienced the same misrepresentations on the net myself, and have given up chat, personals, etc. 100%.
The net lets you get close without knowing some of the finer details--voice characteristics, looks, etc.--the physical attributes which contribute to our attraction to someone.
In reality, she misrepresented herself, and that in my book is unethical. You made it very clear about the butch-femme issue and she lied.
2006-09-03 09:45:43 · answer #11 · answered by DellXPSBuyer 5 · 3⤊ 1⤋