How do I tell my best friend that her husband needs to be kicked to the curb?

Question

My best friend is more like my sister. I have known her since I was 5 and we grew up connected at the hip. We lost touch for about a year and a half and when we reconnected I found out she got married.
This guy has been in jail for a year for dealing drugs and got out in July. He moved up here from New Mexico to "get his life straight". Well instead he went right back to selling drugs and doing them. He got my friend pregnant and shes diabetic (so she already has a 70% chance of miscarrying or having a stillborn). So he doesn't come home for 3 days cuz he is coked out. Than a week later he takes all the rent money from her purse, takes thier car (later wrecks it) and goes back to New Mexico and leaves her stranded with nothing, and pregnant.
She says it's not him it's the drugs and does everything to defend him without putting any blame on him. Last I knew someone had to choose to do drugs. He isn't doing anything to help her or the baby and just hurts her...

she keeps refusing to even consider a divorce even though he is putting so much stress on her and the baby. How do I make her see this guy is good for nothing and bound to live in jail..

It just bothers me so much cuz I have known her my whole life and she is so smart and shes never been a push over.. Now shes just letting her husband walk all over her.. i get so upset when she even talks about it cuz I would have never thought she would end up with a drug addict idiot

Answer 1

Well, well, it sounds like she is settling for the pinnacle of her self-worth...just as destructive as the aspirations of a woman who wants it all and isn't satisfied with any of it. Wild horses can't drag her out of this. Sounds cliche, but goal setting and achievement is her ticket out. Help her to set her sights on something attainable, support her appropriately, and continue to build on her successes. Eventually, she will have the satisfaction of looking back and staring in awe at the mire that kept her pinned down. This is when she will finally say, "never again!".

Answer 2

Unfortunately theres nothing u can say or do to get her to leave, she's unfortunately going to have to learn the hard way.. best thing u can do is to tell her that u think she's in a bad situation and that she needs to think about the baby and reminding her every day it seems u see on the news drug deals going bad, or people ending up dead because of drugs.. or their families... Let her know that u realize its her life and she has to choose what she thinks is best for her life, but ur only a phone call away and if she ever wants out, to call u and u'll pick her up and give her a place to stay if she needs it.. other then that, theres not much more that u can do except be a good friend...

Answer 3

Tell her you love her and want to do all you can to help her, but that you don't agree with her letting her husband put her through these things. Tell her because of this, it's best that the both of you don't even talk about him at all. Hopefully, she will realize that yeah, it's the drugs, BUT he does have a choice to use them or not. She is enabling him to continue his life style and until she becomes strong and walks away from him for good, he will never stop or change. Sad, but true. He's not going to do anything to help her or the baby. The drugs are his number one priority. She has to realize that. The longer she stays with him, the more heartache she is going to have. But, there's not much you can do if she can't see for herself what he is doing to her. Her world is going to come crashing down even more so if she doesn't get away from this guy. Just be there for her, that's all you can do.

Answer 4

All you can do is let her know how you feel. What she choose to do about it is up to her. Give her the pros and con's that you see in their relationship. Then suggest that she tells him get into rehab or its over. In the end the only other thing you can do is either be there for her when things get really bad and she needs a friend. Or if she stays with him and puts up with it and you cant handle it then dont be friends no more. Thats a choice you will have to make also.
He needs helps if he is that bad off. It could very well be the drugs causing him to act like that, help him get cleaned up and see how things go.

Answer 5

To push the issue will just make her become more stubborn. The best you can do is support your friend by being there for her and let her know someone is there for her no matter what. The only person that can change her mind in the end is her. You can only pray for her and the baby and help her prepare for the birth. More stress will just increase the chances of complications during childbirth. Its hard because you care but she needs to open her eyes and right now she refuses to. Best of luck to you both.

Answer 6

Sometimes there's really nothing u can do or say that will make them see it your way. They just have to learn the hard way. I had a close friend in high school who stayed with her physically abusive boyfriend no matter what I said and did to convince her otherwise. Finally she learned it the hard way and did something about it herself.

Your friend needs to realize that if she does carry the child to term, this is going to be a bad environment to raise a child. I know u really care about her but this issue is really between her and her husband and until she see's the problem herself, she won't change her mind. Just don't abandon her during her time of need. It's a tough situation and I hope she wakes up and realizes her mistake sooner than later.

Answer 7

I'd drag her out of the house and make her move in with you for a little bit. Google some divorce websites and prepare her for dealing with feelings of loss, regret, grief...the feelings that she's probably scared of experiencing if she has to leave this guy.

As a good friend, the best thing you can do is remove her from the situation for a little bit to give her some 3rd-party perspective. Hopefully she'll see how good it is out of that mess. I'd say cut off any joint accounts, credit cards or assets in both their names...it'd be the first step towards freedom. You're a good friend for being so worried for her wellbeing, but - in the long run if she refuses to listen, you'll have to accept it's not you, and you tried your best.

Answer 8

Unless you've misrepresented the situation, her hubby is a loser, and she IS wasting herself trying to make a marriage work with an irresponsible cokehead. It's good that you've given her your opinion. But, now it's up to her. You can't make her think the way you'd like, so just be her friend. Assuming she is rational, she'll eventually get fed up with a man who is dragging her down with drugs. But, she has to see that herself. She seems to have swallowed the bull that it isn't him, it's drugs, and is busy making excuses for his asinine behavior. Now, on one point I must disagree with you. He didn't "get her pregnant" SHE got herself pregnant, while with her husband. She COULD have been on the pill, or had her tubes tied, if pregnancy was too risky. She obviously didn't. So, her pregnancy IS her responsibility. Sometimes ever smart people do stupid things, and all friends can do is hope for the best. It sucks, but it IS part of life.

Answer 9

The only answer I can see is for the creep to go back to prison.
He didn’t learn anything from his last stint, so tossing him back in, and throwing away the key, would be the best solution not only for your friend, but for everyone else as well.

Try to be there as much as you can for your friend.
But at the same time, try to do society a favour, by making an anonymous call to the police if you ever catch the creep dealing drugs.
If you do report him to the police, don’t tell your friend that you did it, because more than likely she will turn against you.

Answer 10

It is hard to try to reason with a person in love. Your best bet is to have her sit down and write out a list of pro's and con's about her husband. When she is done count the pro's and then the con's which ever has the most that is the decision that she needs to make. tell her she needs to do what is best for her unborn baby and if he is selling drugs out of the house that they live in she is going to get the baby taken away.