Should I leave my marriage?

Question

I've been a married woman for over 20 years. The last 5 years have been very lonely and isolated. My husband is very selfish and spends most of his free time playing golf, watching sports, or snoozing on the couch. Our sex life has been non-existant for nearly 4 years - yes, no sex at all, and our conversations revolving either around money problems or the kids. I've directly asked for a more loving, itimate partnership and am willing to work on it, but nothing changes. I spent most evenings and weekends by myself, or walking our dogs. TV has become one of my best friends. I always believed that I would be married forever, but I cannot see myself being sexless or lonely for the rest of my life. I've kept myself in good shape and like to have fun. I'm confused about my vows and if I should stay married to a man who will not make an effort to improve our relationship. I would like some advice on what you would do?? Please help!

F.Y.I. I'm 44 years old.

Answer 1

leave the bastard!

Answer 2

This is a very difficult question and I suspect you are the only one who can really anwer it. And, indeed, you have kind of answered it in your question.

I'd take a little time before rushing into anything though. I'd recommend telling you're husband exactly how you feel and what your needs are from the relationship. It's highly likely that he's pretty unsatisfied too.

It's very normal for people to fall into a kind of routine and stale married life. Many people put up with it, thinking it's the 'right', 'proper' or 'normal' thing to do, or because they are too afraid to change.

One reason relationships often stagnate is because we've never been taught what a good relationship is like - and more importantly, how to develop and maintain one.

You could go get some good books on the subject, read them and put their recommendations into practice. Be prepared to be patient though; relationships don't repair themselves overnight.

If you do still love your husband on some level the best route might be to go and see a marriage guidance counsellor. He or she should be able to quickly identify whether the marriage is worth working on or not.

Finally, I'd wouldn't worry much about marriage vows. They're usually made with very little real appreciation for what they mean when we're young and naive. A 'marriage contract' needs to be renewed constantly throughout life. A marriage needs to be an organic growing process - not some 'written in stone' cliche handed down arbitrarily.

Hope that helps.

Answer 3

Sit down and take a deep breath. Most men that lose interest in sex with a partner do so for 2 reasons; 1. they are getting it elsewhere or 2. they are impotent. Talk to him openly and tell him you have needs that are not being fulfilled. If he does nothing to change then it will be up to you to stay or go. I wish there were a way to give you an easy answer, but there really isn't at a distance.
Talk to a pastor or priest, get counseling or whatever you feel will resolve this issue. I would hire a private investigator if he refuses to talk about it or becomes offended upon questioning and doesn't resolve it with you. I say that because being offended usually in a situation like this means they are feeling guilty about something.

Answer 4

No sense being in a marriage that you aren't happy in. Tell your husband EXACTLY what the deal is. Don't leave anything out for fear of offending his sensibilities either. The truth is often ugly, but needs to be told, otherwise you can expect no change. Tell you husband how you feel, make him do the same. Also let him know that you're seriously thinking of divorcing him due to neglect, and that he can marry the golf clubs, sofa, tv, or whatever else he finds more interesting than you. He'll either get it together, or agree to separate. It has to be done.

Answer 5

Life is too short to spend it with the wrong person. Marriage requires work from both parties equally. One side can put 100% into it...but without an equal partnership the relationship is doomed. Seek counseling if possible. Work on you.You can't get fulfillment from just your husband. Get out and enjoy other things. You have to be happy with your life and what you enjoy doing and then maybe you can enjoy things together. If not, there are other fish in the sea that really desire a loving and fulfilling marriage.

Answer 6

I understand how you feel.I have never been so lonely than being with my ex husband.I'm less lonely being alone.Its like when I was married there was an expectation of affection and togetherness.Being alone you don't miss what you don't have.I would say this-start making a life for yourself outside of him.Set things up to where you are ready to leave if you want or happy enough to stay.The one thing that you should keep in mind is that the marriage is set up where both of you have an obligation to each other.If he is unwilling to try to meet his obligation of the marriage,You shouldn't feel guilty to leave.I am a christian,I tried so hard to not divorce,but even in the bible there is a layout of the obligation that each partner has.If you come right out with your feelings and it doesn't change,do what you think is fair to you and it might even be fair to him if he doesn't want intimacy anymore.

Answer 7

I went through the same thing you are going through. I did divorce my ex-husband over it, it was hard at first but then I got back into the dating seen, and being with friends, and here I am a year or so later, and I have met a wonderful man. I am thankful for the time i was married, but even more happy that i am not sitting in the dark alone waiting for something that is never gonna happen. I wish you goodluck! Do whats in you heart. Take care of yourself

Answer 8

I'm sorry. Your lonely, for obvious reasons. Somewhere along the way, you two disconnected. To not have sex for nearly 4 years? If you think that marriage counseling might help, why not give it a try? But if he is unwilling to make any effort to improve the relationship, you are going to either have to endure it or leave him. You deserve a better life than that that's for sure.
Pray to the Lord for guidance as to what path you should take.

Answer 9

I'm sorry that you're going through this phase. Your husband should definetly be more loving

It sounds like your husband has a lot more freetime in his hands. You stated that you have kids. If they're old enough to see what's going on, tell them to sit with you when you initiate another family discussion. his time, make it clear that you want the loving and intimate relationship that you vowed for when you two were married. Don't be afried to use a louder voice to make it clear. Make him vow to actually spend more time with the family rather than with his golf clubs. If he can't handle it, I'm afreid you have no choice but divorce.

Answer 10

This is a tough question. If you have been married for over 20 years something must have been right in your marriage. I think in order to try and save the marriage, I would try to get involved in the things that he is doing. Do you have an interest in playing golf or watching sports? Would he go to counseling to try and work things out? Is he having an affair? Good luck to you. I hope you both can work things out.

Answer 11

I'm a Christian, but I do believe that marriage should be a happy one or it shouldn't be. Your vow was to love one another till death....but if your partner seems to have lost that love, then how could you stick to that promise? I wouldn't be able to either...... I don't know how old you guys are...but if I was in your shoes no matter at what age- I would not hesitate to devote my life to something else other than to a husband who doesn't seem to care about how I feel about things. I would definitely divorce him and not necessarily hook up with another man....but I would do something more meaningful with my life- and if love comes my way again...then good- if not....as long as I'm contented with my life again- it wouldn't matter.