I have been married to my wife for 6 years and things couldnt be worse right now. I recently discovered her cheating and its really getting to me because she basically has an attitude of 'get over it, it was just sex'. Not to try and sound like I am perfect; i have had a real hard time trusting her since an affair she had about 4 years ago and I have been unreasonable in my accusations. I try so hard to trust her but I just have such a hard time. Its gotten to the point that im about to lose my job which I love because my work has suffered due to my uncontrollable thinking. This is gonna sound nuts but I get MYSELF worked up about it react without even having talked to her.
Is it worth staying around for? If we didnt have kids it would be much easier. She says she loves me and wants to work it out and stay with me but I just dont trust her. Is marriage counseling worth it? I have nobody to talk to because I moved with her so she could be closer to her family...it was a big mistake.
2006-09-02 13:54:24 · 39 answers · asked by j 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Well this sounds like a very hard situation for you. Im sorry. I dont mean to sound, well mean, but I think you need to get out of your marriage. If you cant trust her then you cant be with her, because every good relationship is based on trust. If she has cheated on you multiple times then it doesnt seem like she plans on stopping. I dont think anyone deserves to be put through what youre going to go through if you stay in a marriage like this. I understand wanting to stay for the children, but think about the image you are sending to them about what a marriage is all about. They are going to feel the fact that you dont trust your wife, and they will know about her extra marital affairs. Kids have a way of feeling things most adults dont think they can. You dont want them thinking that is what a marriage is supposed to be. The best thing you can do for yourself, you wife and your kids is to get a divorce, go to family councling and try to be friends with your wife, even through all the pain. Your children need you to be strong. Good luck and Im so sorry that your family has fallen to such hard times.
2006-09-02 14:04:39 · answer #1 · answered by Jess 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Once should've been enough but twice? Wow, no, just forget it. She sees no problem with what she's doing and therefore not going to change and u staying with her is only giving her the msg that it's okay cuz you'll always be there for her like u have been in the past. I'm not even going to suggest counseling cause the way I see it, no amount of counseling is going to change someone unless they recognize there's a problem and want to change themselves. It's best that u just leave her. Not having the trust in a marriage is bad enough but her not doing anything to help u regain that trust is even worse. U can't have a marriage when only 1 person is doing all the work. If u stay u will never be happy.
I think u know the answer to your question. U just have to find the courage to act upon it.
2006-09-02 14:21:25 · answer #2 · answered by cheetah7 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I know exactly how you feel as I have went through the same thing and am recently divorced. All I can say is that, regardless of whether or not you are still married, you will always look back on that situation. I pray that you don't have kids involved in this situation. I would seriously consider seeking marriage counseling or even just personal counseling for yourself. Be prepared for a divorce just in case she files first. Have all the evidence of such accusations of an affair handy in the event you need it in court. Get yourself an attorney on retainer, find a counselor, and pray to God that your marriage can be saved.
Every couple has this period of "difficulties" sometime in their marriage. It is whether or not they work out those differences that determine the success or downfall of their marriage. I hope this advice can help you and those that are experiencing the same.
2006-09-02 14:16:49 · answer #3 · answered by Lonewolf 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Why would you be stupid enough to trust her? During her 6 year marriage, you've found out about two different affairs. Unless you are brain dead, you must suspect that there have been others you didn't find out about. Wanting your marriage to last is admirable, but it takes two people to make a marriage. When only one partner considers marriage to be meaningful, and the other behaves as if their spouse is just a seat on her sexual merry-go-round, what you have is something else, but it isn't marriage. Shes says she loves you and wants to make it work. Great. But, talk is cheap, and a reasonable person should judge marital commitment by actions. Do her actions show she loves you? Do they show consideration of your needs and desires? Or do they suggest that she is an immature, selfish, uncaring, brat? Unless you are prepared for an endless line of extra studs enjoying your wife's goodies, and settle on being merely another warm body ready to give your wife another notch on her bedpost, divorce her. There are many wonderful women, that do want a real marriage. Sadly, you picked a common slot. And, she doesn't even pretend to feel sorry. You can do better, in fact, I don't see how you could do much worse.
2006-09-02 15:16:34 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
dont get over it and its crazy to think she has that kinda attitude in some respects but in other respects it was just sex " to her" and this is just a marriage and those are just her kids and the vow she took to you was just words nothing means anything to her and how can you trust her, im never the one to say divorce to anyone unless they are trully at witts end and you my friend are at witts end. it sounds like your wife is trully sorry alright trully sorry she got caught, and you and i know that this wont be th last time this will happen if you allow it to happen. you have every right to suspect somthing after the first time and now you have every right to be extremely pissed hurt betrayed . if i where you i would be extremely calculating right now. find out what it would take to get your preciouse kids and get custody of them. if it means moving to another state before you file a divorce i would do it just to make sure you get them.... in all this we should agree even as hurt as you are, the kids are the ones that will loose the most and will forever be the ones that will be needing to get over your wife's cheating. ask your self is this the woman you really want to have teaching morals and commitments to your children ??? i am very even keeled when it comes to thing but i have my limits to how far i can go before i break and she would have sent me over the edge with "get over it" i personally would have hired a private detective to document as much as possible although the fight for kids in fl has no bearing whether a person cheated or not and may be the same but i considerd and even had the privat eye say she would go into a bar where she hung out and see how many drinks she drank and then follow her is she was to drive she would call the police to get her for a dui and that dui no doubt would hold as a character witness in court. your best bet is to talk to an attorney and see what is the best course. be very methodical and calculating. once you have custody you can move back to where your parents live or somwhere you can recieve assistance to help with the baby sitting and such. there are other things you can do even more underhanded such as if she ever hits you in public do call the policehave the restraining order on her and she will be removed from the house and you have custody of the kids right away you then can move these kids to another state as you have every right to go anywhere with your kids. i wish you the best of luck as i feel all those same emotions coming back from my past....
2006-09-02 14:19:51 · answer #5 · answered by joe 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Moving close to family is never a great move for a marriage, unless you set firm bounderies for privacy.
If you love her try to save the marriage and get councelling. If she is not cheating or has not since then try to work it out. This is very painful, and you never really get over a cheating spouse, and you cannot go back. This has forever changed the relationship. It will also make it difficult to trust another. I work through this everyday. I now have a loving husband whom I can trust but I still catch myself wondering sometimes. This is the scars a cheater leaves behind.
2006-09-02 14:50:47 · answer #6 · answered by lizzybit64 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
It is time to leave -- and her attitude says it best -- she can't be trusted, "get over it" is NOT possible, and "it was just sex" does NOT make the cheating 'right'.
LEAVE -- Divorce her now, and be done with it. The kids will understand, and it is far healthier for them IF you leave right now and DON'T have to deal with this situation any more. YOU need to show those children that there IS another way of life -- one of fidelity and trust -- and by living on your own, not relationship hopping, and being a responsible parent -- then you can.
2006-09-02 14:11:56 · answer #7 · answered by sglmom 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My mother would tell you to make a list of pros and cons for staying or going... then she would ask you if your better off w/ or w/o that person.
I took the chance and got rid of the hubby (he was not faithful).
Afraid of raising our son alone was a silly thought and just had to do it.
Sadly the children do suffer but staying in an un-healthy relationship is more detremental to the kids than leaving.
This would give you a really good chance to explain to them that there are health and un-healhy relationships and this is one of them.
How you handle your kids lives after you break up is the key.
Being a disney dad is not good and neither is not seeing them on a scheduled basis.
Your wife will prob go straight to family court to get sole custody of the kids and child support so be prepared.
good luck and think hard on this one.
2006-09-02 14:03:26 · answer #8 · answered by rennes89 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I know how you feel, dude. My wife of 6 years as well is in the Army and she suddenly decided to leave me, after i found out she'd been shifting money out of our joint bank account to her own personal one and then sends me a message to prepare for divorce papers. I think she might be having an affair, but I don't know since she's in the military over 1000 miles away, though she has cheated on me before. I really wish you didn't have to deal with children, because they complicate the matter to the extreme. Take care!
2006-09-02 14:15:25 · answer #9 · answered by zelgadiss 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, you obviously love her or you wouldn't have a dilemma on your hands. If she is willing to go to counseling, you both should give it a good try. Marriages are often hard and sometimes working through something this hard can bring two people even closer together. If you decide to cut your ties and divorce you need to go to counseling on your own. You have to learn to trust again in any case or your life will surely be filled with more broken relationships.
2006-09-02 13:59:09 · answer #10 · answered by ? 6 · 1⤊ 1⤋