If my wife didn't want me tell, let me find some, who did want me, don't play me!?

Question

My story has been posted in part several times, just to recap, somewhat.
My wife passed away two years ago, we where in love, and remained together marries for thirty years. She probably loved me more. However we can never undo actions, we’ve done and consequences of them. I sure was not a perfect husband, surely I didn't deserve what happened. My wife cheated on me after three years of marriage, for three years.
We never went to counseling nor spoke of it, as per her. Of course and I was always blamed me for everything, I didn’t love her I drank to much, I this and that. That being said my problem with this, beside the obvious, is why did she not give me, my freedom. If she wanted someone else than tell me. I would not have liked it, but much better than being played. Once I found out the little rat, she was going with, a real live gangster,
Who was connected, twenty years her senior, went scurrying for cover, I mean literally. Nonetheless I would have found some one, I not bad looking, a pretty kind and caring person. I had plenty of girl friends before I was married, she had enough too. I thought that, that life was behind me. When we decided to work on our marriage, though she wanted counseling, or to speak of it. She felt the shame of it, but what did I feel. We had one child in 1979 we had one child in 1983 and one in 1984, eleven months apart. Though I did participate in their conception, but also believed they were to keep me from leaving, if you knew me, you'd understand how I am. Well here is my question, why not give me the same opportunity as she. If she didn’t care for me, bring it out and tell me, or set me free.

Answer 1

because she did want you. she just may not have been happy with the marriage but I guess in her heart she must have wanted you at some level. She would not have had 3 kids if she didn't care for you. Maybe counseling isn't such a bad idea, I know this type of thing is always hard to deal with and being that it has been 2 years since she passed away, mabey counseling will help you get the closure you need.

Answer 2

She has been gone two years? Then perhaps you are still grieving for her and all the what ifs.

A few years before my father died, we "talked". I told him that for the years I was away, I learned to put the past behind me. I told him that I learned how easy it is to repeat the past and that I recognized that and how to break the cycle. I explained that I wondered how he made it through the obstacles in his life as a child. Also how easy it is to take things out on other people, especially children, when that was the only way he knew. I told him that I felt forgiveness for him. I learned that we are all human and make mistakes and learn our lessons too late and that I didn't want to be one of the late ones. I wanted to let him know too that I learned it for the both of us and to let go of guilt and regret. He cried so hard. When I knew my father, he never cried. Everything changed after that. We had some time to be real with each other and for "my" family to meet him before soon enough he passed away. (2000)

I have found solis in the fact that as we age we progress. I did loose some "time" of my past/my life holding on to grief and it hurt me more and created new anxiety. My higher consciousness pulled me through. It may seem cliche to use the term survivor but basically many of us are. We have so much to be grateful. Even more than just the idea that its a new day. We are new. She is gone and you are here. If you let go, close the door; you break the cycle. What do you want now ? It is all up to you. Prepare yourself for a great life.

Answer 3

I think it is always a bit of the grass is always greener complex. I was the opposite to your wife, when I had an affair I told my husband and although he didnt want me too I left. Even though he begged me to come back and said he would forgive me and all that I knew in my heart that I would do it again. 5 years on and I regret that first and only affair and after being with a serious of idiots recognise what a good man I had. However I am happy that he has remarried and now has children which he could never have had with me, We still see each other occasionaly and I like his wife. We were very lucky to divorce on good terms (I Left him everything out of guilt)

Not all women are the same, you sound like a nice man and will find someone else. As for her choosing a gangster to cheat on you with, I think that would have added to the excitement for her. I had a friend who died recently who I lived with (as friends) when I was in trouble and he was an old South London gangster and they know how to treat women and how to keep them keen, because this guy treat me as his daughter I was well protected and no one would dare hurt me then or now as they know that I have been inherited as such and am still under his protection

Answer 4

Why didn't you take it? You were not a pawn in all this, once you found out why didn't you make up your own mind to leave? Kids need good parents, not miserable ones in the same house. I'm sorry for your troubles, but at some point you need to stand up for yourself and factor the decisions and choices (like the one you made to stay) in to the entire scenario. Its not too late to start. You teach people how to treat you so if someone starts trying to treat you in a way that you don't like you simply don't tolerate it, if they can't cope with that then you go find yourself better, you don't wait for the permission of the person who is treating you badly in the first place....its obvious that person doesn't have your well being at heart or they wouldn't have treated you badly in the first place, so realizing that isn't it kind of silly to spend your time wonder why they didn't do the right thing the second time you left it up to them?

Answer 5

She want the security of having something to fall back on the Advent of it all was exciting to her. (sounds like it to me )

I old saying she wanted the cake and eat it to.

Although I think this is not right and she should of been women enough to tell you. Maybe she love two people at the same time any way you should move on now and quit thinking about this..

Have fun life is short and to short to set around thinking about this.

I had a baby in 1998 and his dad cheated the whole time and then told me when he was 8 months old he did want me anymore. And I didn't find out he story for about a year after it was all over. Think I sit around and wasted my time NO. I am remarried and very much in love and so is My husband now.

You will find that special person and have a good life..

Good Luck hope this chat help you out.

Answer 6

Listen my young friend, I do feel with you and grieve with you but please face the reality.
1) Your wife is now dead. No matter what she did ,she cannot apologies for it anymore.
2) The fact is that telling that she was cheating on you would have been a very bad idea.
3) What you need to do now is mourn the past, get up and live in the present.
Get one of those young sexy ones around you and go give your wife bun now. Let her mourn in her grave. Enjoy life to its fullest for the next few years.

Answer 7

What you need to do is realize that you will never get the closure you wish for. You need to forgive her for her shortcomings, and move on. You need to accept that you couldn't give her what she needed. You need to get back at her by not letting this destroy you, and improve your life without her. Make your life richer and more fulfilling than when she was in it. Master a skill or craft, and teach it to someone else. Drop off the baggage. It is like picking up poop and sticking it in your pocket. It will begin to stink and people will avoid you. Baggage contaminates future relationships by acting like a "filter lens" that you are looking therough. Your baggage is nobody else's fault, so you just have to get rid of it... Do that by forgiving your ex, thanking her for teaching you more about yourself, and showing you what type of women to avoid in the future, and thank her for the experience. You can choose to feel bitter and victimized by her, or you can choose to take back your power. I say, choose to take back your power, and invest that energy in yourself. When you give yourself permission to make a mistake, and realize that it is an opportunity in disguise (to improve, overcome, and learn) you are now faced with a challenge......and "I can't" all of the sudden becomes "I am not willing to"......

But if you find that is too much responsibility to face, and too scary, then you should continue to sit on your thumb, playing the professional victim to anyone who will listen. Blaming other people is the perfect way to never get past them.

Answer 8

It is a little late for you to be seeking answers for what happened during your marriage.

I lived with insanity for forty years, before my kids (who she terrorized from birth) were grown up, then I made my getaway. Our marriage is going on sixty years this coming december. She will still not let me go. if i try to divorce her, she will get half of my retirement and I am the guy with the mortgage, she has our house

We are separated the not divorced. Tie that one on and stop fretting about what your wife meant or did not mean.

Answer 9

Hi there. Are you sad because she is gone and you feel things are unresolved? This honestly should have been resolved many years ago. I don't know you, but the way it sounds to me is that you have alot of guilt and confusion! you can't keep this burden hanging over you forever. It's obviously eating away at you. Let her rest in peace. You need to stop dwelling on something only she knows the answer to! Keep loving her, but let her go. memories last forever! Don't let the bad memories take over and ruin the only thing you have left of her.....memories. your life is not over. Take care:) I hope I didn't offend you!

Answer 10

My husband performs poker a week, gets inebriated, performs for funds and likewise acts a fool on the table while he's ingesting. (think of approximately it, if she substitute into doing it and you have been the only on the sidelines gazing) in line with probability what you ought to do is once you have your acquaintances over, tell them to convey their different halves over so each and every of the females can cling out jointly (this includes your daughter). i could get so pissed that my husband could be interior the domicile doing his poker ingredient w/ the acquaintances even as i substitute into caught putting up w/ their immaturity, till he started bringing the adult adult males' different halves over and all of us started doing our own girly ingredient. in line with probability you additionally can cut back the poker outings to the different week and the weekends you're actually not enjoying poker use as as "relatives time". i would not advise your daughter at in user-friendly terms 14 play poker - a minimum of not for funds. And even as she might (or will possibly not) see each and every variety of issues at school, that would not recommend you ought to help it by making use of exposing her to undesirable issues interior the domicile.