I have been divorced for almost 10 years now, but am still very angry. I have to deal with him over kids and not paying. He was doing drugs (cocaine) when we divorced and can't remember things very clearly and see's things completely different about the divorce. He doesn't even remember I had to get a restraining order to protect me and my kids. He says it was only for me, but I have papers. How do I get over this.
I haven't dated and I've never been with another man except for him. We were married 11 years (9 which were really good). I am now very very self conscious and shy because he always called me fat and no good (the last 2 yrs of marriage). I went back to schoold and got my Masters, but am scared to be in another relationship. But how do I get over the anger and move on??
2006-09-02 05:48:10 · 15 answers · asked by melissa_lost 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Its up to you to forget about, enjoy life, dont date if youre afraid, no rush. Your husband is a jerk, but he is no longer a part of your life, but will just be a memory. My parents were married for 13 years (6 which were good), and dad deserted the family. It took 2 years for my mom to forget about him. but now she is ok, she beautified herself (dad often insulted her too), now she is in a steady relationship, and dad, well...whatever turns him on. I understand what you are going through, an 11 year marriage is pretty hard to get over with, but you will in time.
2006-09-02 05:51:25 · answer #1 · answered by daydream♥believer 4 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Normally, I would say it takes time but you have already had 10 years so it's now time to forget the past hurts and move on. There is always a risk when you allow yourself to get involve with someone. You have to keep telling yourself that you have a lot going for yourself (you are going to have to boost your own ego up a notch) and look at all you have accomplished in the 10 years since your divorce and be proud and not ashamed. Get over and release the anger over your ex. It does no good because he was so high on drugs that he doesn't really remember the last 2 yrs of your marriage. So it's useless being angry at him. Go out with a group of friends or try on line dating at least to see what's out there that you might like. Remember your ex is the past (you can't change what's already happened) but you can control the now and the future. Remember to tell yourself I'm beautiful and wonderfully made. God doesn't make any junk. Good luck.
2006-09-02 06:24:30 · answer #2 · answered by kitcat 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i have a lot of angry at my ex we were together 8 years. At the end WE WERE BOTH into drugs mostly coke mine turned more into heroin at a point. Anyway I've been clean 15 months. I just HATE him he never calls our daughter never sends her cards or pays support never even ask about her. We have been apart 3 years now. I had no confidence when we split before the break he was controlling and belittled me. He's a terrible father. Anyhow i can't change him or what happened i am so ticked off he is a DEAD BEAT DAD. I found a man who is a good father a great provider who only lifts me up he helped me Thur methadone treatment he has never used drugs We have a home together and our expecting a BABY in December so it gets better if you ALLOW it that old baggage will DROWN you to if you let it IT'S DONE AND GONE he chooses to be who he is you choose to be the best you can be the rest is all BS.
2006-09-02 05:59:42 · answer #3 · answered by ally'smom 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Look around...there are overweight women everywhere who are in relationships so being overweight is not going keep you from being in a relationship. Some men prefer big women. If you truly don't like yourself overweight then do something about it. Set small goals for yourself to build your confidence. You may be using your weight to keep you safe from other men because you're so afraid. You were able to get a Masters degree with kids - you can do anything you set your mind to do. Have you been to therapy? Sounds like you need to talk to someone who will help you work through your anger, or perhaps a support group. I think part of your anger has been that you've been insecure about dating and therefore haven't moved on. When you find someone else you won't be so angry at him because your focus will shift. In life we have to take risks. Things don't always work out but without taking a chance you won't have a shot at getting what you want out of life and moving on. It sounds like you have a lot to offer but you'll need to take some chances and be prepared to be rejected sometimes. Remember that even thin gorgeous women have self esteem issues and get rejected by men at times so don't take every rejection too personally. Work on building that self esteem so you feel strong enough to take more risks.
2006-09-02 06:03:11 · answer #4 · answered by DeeDee 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Please run, don't walk to a counselor. You obviously have not allowed yourself to heal. I know that a difficult and stubborn ex can make it hard, but you have a lot going for you. Good kids, good education, etc. You need to not give up on living a life worth living, a life where you are happy. Anger eats you up and it hurts you more than the person you are angry at. A good therapist can help you get past some of your problems because, really, you have been punishing yourself long enough.
2006-09-02 05:54:40 · answer #5 · answered by mildmanneredclarkkent64 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Why after 10 yrs are you still letting this man control your life? If he still has this kind of power over you then its serious time to think about getting professional help to rid him once and for all. It sounds like hes got selective memory; remembers what he wants and forgets what he doesnt. You dont owe this man anything so remaining faithful to him is stupid. You need to get on with your life and you can do it. Forget what he said about you because that cam from a no good drug addict. By getting your masters, it shows you can do anything you put your mind to, so get back into the dating scene, one baby step at a time and before you know it, youll forget all about him. Remember, by getting angry over this and with him is only letting him control you, and no one should have that kind of control over anyone else. Take control of your life and treat him like the idiot he is. Good luck
2006-09-02 06:00:17 · answer #6 · answered by Arthur W 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You need to get some counseling and work with a counselor who specializes in divorce and the family. It is very difficult to go through these types of situations, but you deserve to have a happy life and move forward. You are still stuck in the early stages of grief, and you have very low self-esteem due to his insulting treatment of you. You can look up counselors in the phone book, or ask at your local human services. If you attend church, or even if you do not, the local churches in your area will have counselors they can recommend, and many ministers and other pastoral people are trained counselors. Please, please get help for yourself, and thus your children. You are obviously a good parent, since you are raising them. You do deserve to truly live, and not just exist, life if too short. You can also join Curves or even go on ediets.com or Oprah.com to get control of your weight and live in a more healthy manner. This will do wonders for your self esteem. Best of luck to you and your children. Have a good day.
2006-09-02 05:59:07 · answer #7 · answered by Sue F 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I really dont know what the answer is, but i have been there and done that too,its only been 3 yrs for me but still have anger and hurt and mistrust, alot of it is just to give in to it, then let it go, i know easier said than done? YOU have to decide waht to do, YOU have to decide that you WILL be happy, and you must be happy with yopurself first, be selfish, join a gym if your not happy with how you appear, or set up a physical routine, can be a ss imple as walking a mile a day, to help yourself and during that time force yourself not to think of anything but quiet peaceful thoughts, it will caRRy over into the rest of your day, and force yourself to stick with it, dont give up, it really does help.wish i could give you the definite answers, but for each person they are different,
2006-09-02 06:05:15 · answer #8 · answered by Buffalojennyalone 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wow, he really did a number on you. You should remember that he was not in his right mind when a lot of the bad stuff happened. Take a good look at yourself. Do you see someone fat? If not, then forget about what he said. That's usually someone's way of making himself feel better. You're lucky you're away from him. I've been divorced for 9 years and it's been the best 9 years of my life. I'm remarried to someone who truly cares about me. Good luck to you. I wish the same for you.
2006-09-02 05:56:33 · answer #9 · answered by kitten lover3 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I have a similar circumstance and I think the shock of someone screwing up so badly and involving you in the screw up is shocking and unbelievable. My situation happened six years ago and was resolved four years ago and remnants of it pop into my head every day.
One thing you could do is go to therapy. It generally takes care of situations such as these. Another is to read books on overcoming divorce or dealing with anger. I'm reading books on post-traumatic stress disorder. Lots of people who go through these kinds of situations where people screw up their lives suffer from this.
When a spouse turns into a loser, he faces losing the other person if that person is too good for him. On some level, he knew he was screwed up but it was easier on the psyche to try make you the trashy person. Your job is to be able to grasp reality and not to believe things that are untrue and from unreliable sources. If you have difficulty with this you can ask respectable people what they think of you. Obviously, it wasn't in your husband's nature to state your good qualities.
A person who verbally attacks you would be happy to know that you are still suffering 10 years later. You are still his victim. The best revenge is not only to be successful with your work but to deal with this situation and get it out of your mind.
2006-09-02 06:11:08 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋