My wife still cares for me , but shes lost the feeling in her heart for me after 19 yrs of marriage and wants to leave. We started going together when she was a senior in high school and married a year later, I'm 4 yrs older than she is, and now she feels like shes missed something in life. Our marriage hasn't been perfect by no means and it's 99 % my fault for not communicateing , not shown affection , and our love life as been far from good. So I'm taking the blame totally. But I really do love her more than anything in the world, And I want to go back and start fresh all over again and try to correct the many mistakes in our marriage that I have made. But basically I have to make her fall in love with me all over again.
Is this at all possible
2006-09-02 05:44:00 · 29 answers · asked by t1014 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
YES, it's possible, but you need to understand a few things.
This is really common when you start out so young. Each time you become emotionally involved with someone, you get a chance to learn more about yourself. When you deprive yourself of that, you regret it later, and feel like something is missing. Now she is in that spot. You are, too. You want to preserve the marriage, and she doesn't. This is why some states require a legal separation before divorce, and in some states, it is longer than others.
She has nothing else to compare you to. She has little experience with different types of guys. She has little experience with getting to know herself. If she had a few other experiences, she would have learned more about what she wanted and needed from someone, what she would be willing to accept or not, and what she would be willing to give to someone. She knows none of this.
When people spend a long period of time together, they become more self absorbed and forget to actively fulfill their partner. they assume that their mere presence is enough. "I am here with you, and that should tell you that I love you..." IT IS NOT ENOUGH. You forget to keep doing whatever you did to win each other over. You start to accumulate baggage and resentment. You forget to have empathy. You forget that as we grow and change, so do our perceptions. You forget that each other has your own perceptions....
Talk with her and tell her you understand where she is coming from. Tell her you understand that she feels cheated out of something, and wants to go find out what that is. Tell her that you love her and you are in support of that.
Then file for a legal separation. Stay in contact by ways of dating. Keep each other posted on your feelings. Accpet it if she is being fulfilled by someone else. Do better than that someone else. Take notes. Find out what she needs by listening to her as she learns. Do better than the other guy.
Get rid of your baggage by accpeting your responsibility for it, and not pawning it off on her. Accept that each of you s responsible for your own feelings. Be there to catch her if she gets her heart broken by someone else. Be her best friend.
If she finds someone else and it lasts, accept that but love her anyway. If she doesn't, and comes back to you, hold her close and vow to never forget that she is a wonderful and special individual, and that after seeing whatever else is out there, she picked YOU......
SInce you didn't mention it, how do you feel about her choosing you be default? Maybe you have issues with "ownership" of her. Maybe she has picked up on that. Wouldn't you feel more special to her if she picked you out, above all others? Maybe you need to give her this chance.
A spearation is not a divorce. It is a period of time where you grant each other space and room to breathe. Sometimes perople need to be apart from each other to see things more clearly. You need to learn more about what you are willing to give someone.
You can fall in love all over again. First, you have to drop off your baggage. So does she. Second, you have to take responsibility for your own feelings. So does she. Third, you need to figure out what it is you need from her, and tell her. So does she. Then you have to be willing to give her what you want for yourself. So does she. Lastly, you need to remember to keep doing whatever it is you did t win eac other over. Dating, flirting, inspiring each other to feel good about yourselves, admiring, appreciating, empathizing, respecting, accepting, chasing, courting, listening.... and quit needing to be right all the time about everything.
File for a separation, stay good friends, tell each other everything, and go from there. It might not end up in a divorce.
2006-09-02 07:05:20 · answer #1 · answered by pandora the cat 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
This is so hard to give advice on...first of all it's good that you did acknowledge your mistakes. Although, we all know she wasn't perfect either. Unfortunately, people do fall "out of love". She must feel like since she married you, while she was so young, she wasn't able to "experience" any other man..and since you are older you had more time. I don't, however, see why she waited 19 years to declare such a huge decision. There's no way for any of us to actually "see" the whole picture. If you weren't being the husband you should have been, then she probably just gave up. But all you can do is try to prove to her that if she will give you another chance, you WILL change. Show her. Don't think that it's something you can do over night. It will take the rest of your life, on your part, to keep showing her your love and helping her to build that spot back in her heart for you. Good luck in everything...and i hope you guys can work it out.
2006-09-02 05:52:43 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Of course it is possible. But if your going to do it then do it all the way, in other words, dont half-*** it. If you realize you have not been giving your women the love, attention, and words she needs, change it.. now. If you don't treat your woman like amazing person she is, believe me, somebody else will. Its been 19 years, its time to through caution to the wind, sweep her off her feet. Do something completely spontanious. Spend the next weeks of your life consumed with showing her how beautiful and important she is. Afterall, you have some making up to do, if she is feeling this way. Do the things she had always wished you'd do. Treating her like its her birthday for no reason. You have a small window of time to work with so make the most of it. Offer to go to counselling, individual or marital whatever will help. Or simply be real, and from the heart, purpose a renewal of vows. Just dont give up without trying. There is always hope.
2006-09-02 05:56:52 · answer #3 · answered by Peace Frog 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Love comes and goes. Marriage isn't really about love. I mean sure you get married because you love someone, but marriage is really a partnership agreement between two people. Sometimes (for long periods at a time) my wife and I cant stand each other, but we're still their for each other. As for making her fall in love again........ sure, but it will take an extreme amount of effort. Not just from you, but her also. The hard part is that things rarely change permanently. They seem good for a while, but slowly revert back to the way they were. The question you really need to ask yourself is ........Is being with her what is really going to make you happy in life? Your answer to this question will lead you in the direction you need to go. Good luck!
2006-09-02 06:24:11 · answer #4 · answered by bigwilly1997 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is possible if she is willing to put the effort back into the relationship. We have all made mistakes and well communication, you can not take blame for the issues of the marriage. Have you thought about marriage counseling? Maybe start date night .. finds ways to romance her but either way find away to communicate .. I wish you luck and hope things will work out.
Hugs from a Loving Mom to a Brillant, as well as beautiful 8 year old Jared and Our Angel, Zachary (taken to soon but who will always remain in our heart) ~ Mel
2006-09-02 05:51:30 · answer #5 · answered by jaredsmommy2004 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Speaking from experience...anything is possible, don't ever give up on each other...try to make it work, even if it means changing for the better and starting off fresh, like you said...anyone can change, if they really want to.
You have to rekindle what you both had somehow and bring back some of those loving memories that you both shared and a little romance goes a long way...it's never too late to save a relationship. I would even suggest both of you talking to a counsellor...it really does help to get things in the open. :-)
...Once you've found love, you must always nurture it, to keep it growing...
2006-09-02 06:01:38 · answer #6 · answered by cdngal64 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Anything is possible if you both want the same thing. However you can't "go back", memories (good bad or indifferent) don't go away, you cannot correct (change) past mistakes, you can only change what you do from this moment on. No one can "make" any other person feel something, especially Love. I would let my wife go experience what she thinks she has "missed", then see if we wanted to stay together.
Good Luck...your in a tough spot
2006-09-02 06:06:30 · answer #7 · answered by Mike M. 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
anything is possible man. I think you should pull out the big guns and ask her if she would consider counseling for the two of you. Other than that, try the usual, flowers, gifts, etc. Show that you are really trying to make an honest effort. But really, do get some counseling because it is really hard to keep up the flower and candy thing for a long time. You guys need to get to the bottom of your problems and have a professional help you fix them.
2006-09-02 05:50:09 · answer #8 · answered by mildmanneredclarkkent64 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Now that you accept where you have been wrong, you should make all efforts to convey and confess all this to her. You can try giving her surprises with gifts or taking her out where you two can communicate. Whatever you do, you should be very honest and dont over-express yourself. You should be real. But finally it is totally upto her whether she wants to stay with you or not. If you really love her you should be prepared for her happiness and satisfaction too be it when she doesn't want to stay with you and whether her coming back to you is possible or not is something which you should be asking yourself.
2006-09-02 05:58:46 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sometimes a marriage can be broken beyond fixing. It might well be that she has been hurt too badly to have any interest in fixing yours. Sadly, marriage and life can't be redone, and the past can't just be forgotten. We are free to make choices, but we aren't able to erase or avoid the consequesnces of our choices. Rather like the old song "You don't know what you've, till it's gone."
2006-09-02 06:02:26 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
yes. don't give up take a night and go out just the two of you and talk like it is your first time meeting each other. i know it will be hard but try to forget all that has happened and start out all new. if she wants to stay then she will try also. but you cant make her stay if she doesn't want to. but if it doesn't work our try to still be friends. it always helps out if you can still be friends. you both have the same friends and that wont put them in the middle and still want to be friends with you also.
2006-09-02 05:51:45 · answer #11 · answered by kathy froggylady40 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋