Independence in a Marriage- Follow up to previously asked question?

Question

I asked a question a couple of days ago about my husband recently wanting to be more independent. I got great answers from everyone but wanted to post a follow up since I've talked with him. He has told me that he loves me and will always love me, but lately feels as though he doesn't know if marriage is what he wants... He feels sometimes that he doesn't want to "have" to call me, or doesn't want to feel obligated to come right home after work. He feels like he wants to come and go as he pleases but come to me when he wants to. Here's a little background- I'm 27; he's 25; we've been married for 3 years. He told me he still wants to work it out; but just wants a little more time being "himself" rather than "the couple". I really don't have a huge problem with this- we are just used to being pretty much joined at the hip. He said he'd like to speak to a therapist to find out if this is just a phase we're going through or if this means we should't be married. What do you all thinK?

Note: we don't have any children... Also, my husband is a level headed guy who has christian faith. The issue is not dating other women: he told me yesterday that his feelings have nothing to do with that: if he's going to be married, "who better to be married to than you"? But he's just not sure if he likes the way OUR marriage is with us being so smothering. It's just what we're used to, and I have to learn how to be more independent and do things on my own. It's hard for us; we have all of the same friends and like to do the same things.... He just needs "Space" I think?!

Answer 1

If you are sure there is not another woman involved - I would certainly go see a counselor together. Everyone needs their space. People have false ideas of what a marriage should be. If you don't have different interests and spend all of your time together outside of work - it will smother the relationship. My theory is that people should treat their spouses more like roommates or friends they are in love with. If you think about it - people would generally be more polite to a roommate or friend than they are a spouse. Two roommates or friends would never survive if they went everywhere together and shared all the same friends. You should learn to enjoy and revel in your time alone. I love it when my husband goes fishing on the weekends and I get to be in my house alone. It makes us value our time alone together even more since the time is limited. Give each other some time to work it out and find a balance between together time and alone time.Your relationship will benefit from doing this.

Answer 2

No couple should be joined at the hip that is too much of each other. It does sound lit he does need a little bit of space, but you are a couple as long as you are married you will always be a couple. He isn't a child and should not have to be home on the dot that is for children. If he has to call you throughout the day that is too smothering. Unless it is a an emergency, he should have any reason to call you during the day. For goodness sake, he needs time to miss you. If he is going to be very late, he should call and explain, but there should be no excuse needed for a small delay. Yes, indeed by all means take advantage of a counselor. I think, you two have been too smothering with each other and it isn't healthy.

Answer 3

It's great that he wants to see a therapist, by all means go the the session with him. Now a marriage doesn't mean you have to be joined at the hips, you do get tired of seeing the person. Both of you need to have your own space from time to time. I am sure you have friends other than the same ones. Go hang with them or if there is a hobby you always wanted to pick up go for it. You will see how much more exciting the marriage will be. But make sure plan at least one or two evenings where you both are together (home, out) that is very important. It is a good thing you don't have kids, it sound like you both don't need that right now cause more than likely you will be the one to do it all.

Good Luck

Answer 4

Well I first would like to say that I hope it works out for you both. Maybe since you both have been joined at the hip so you say, he needs to find some hobbies that he can do with buddies or his family, i.e. hunting, fishing, golf. When people get married they sometimes think they have to totally give up their lives before. Of course, some things like dating have to go (obviously) but hobbies and other interests should not. If they were there before the marriage, that was part of what made you love the person to begin with, part of who they are. Or maybe he needs to find a new hobby. Do YOU have any hobbies that do not include your husband? And people, I am not speaking of infidelity or anything dishonest, adulterous, etc. I do have issue with his not wanting to call. When you are married, that is just what you do. I think a therapist is a great idea. Do you guys have kids? It doesn't sound like you do.

Answer 5

Counseling would not be a bad idea to work things out in both of your heads. Marriage is a challenge in today's society as it is and the lures of the world pull at the very fabric of it. However, your husband sounds like he has a level head on his shoulders and is willing to learn more how to be a couple. I would set up the appointment with a counselor as soon as possible though as this is not an issue you want to let fester. A good pastor/priest (trained and certified as a marriage counselor) or trained marriage therapist would be your best choices. Good luck. Sounds like everything will be OK as you go through therapy.

Answer 6

I wish you both the best of luck and he should definetely follow through with seeing a therapist about it before you both start have doubts about the relationship. I think men goes through many phases about being committed and if what they're feeling is normal. I would let him do things that he wants to maybe say "during the week you can do whatever you want after work but on 'wednesdays' I want you to come home so we can have dinner and spend time doing something" becuase you're still married and he can't just brush you off and not expect it to impact you.

Answer 7

I think you right. He probably needs a little space and so do you. Being together every minute can kind of get a little old. You need to also get out and do some things to. Being a little apart can make you appreciate each other more.

Answer 8

I think talking to a therapist is a good idea. You guys need to decide what you want to do with this relationship. It sounds as though he is trying to tell you he wants to take a break but the question is will he be seeing and having sex with other women on this break? You guys need to define what you want in the relationship and make that clear. Therapy is a good idea.

Answer 9

you to have a problem with in your commitment to won another .every mar rage changes there is no need to change out the marriage it well evolve to a different relationship often enough that a person should be able to enjoy there self .i don't understand not wanting to be around each other his need to be alone is very important as a man he must work out his problems alone support him and be his wife you must understand that your marriage has changed as it well over time .good luck,be tough

Answer 10

if he wants more time to himself, and not spending time as a couple, then therefore he wasn't ready to get married. People who got married are supposed to want to be with eachother as a married couple, sure sometimes people need some time to themselves, but not so often when you're married. married couples have to compromise and sacrifice with and for eachother.