My wife holds on to words?

Question

My wife has been holding on to some of the negative wordsI've said during arguments and it affected her to the point that she has no faith in marriage. She cries everytime we talk about the marriage and the past. And she makes the words I've said more signifacent then my deeds?

Answer 1

like grandma always said " dont say anything you cant take back" dude , my wife is the same way , shell hear somthing and a month later ill be reminded of how i hurt her feelings.... makes you wanna scream at times. your situation is one that can only be fixed with time and alot of control on your part. aside from getting marriage counseling (which i know i cant afford right now)
you and your bride need to talk. "what do we do when..." learn your role and she should learn her role on what causes the lashing out on both side what prevokes the hate and what to do to avoid saying thing that will hurt.... ie walking away, solitude, kicking the living crap out of your pillow.. starting a plann of action that accomadate both people in a marriage is the first step. the next step is you have to understand that words are actions and translate into deeds. they are equivalant to each other in every manner when your dealing with.......... ughhhhh women in an arguement..... you will never win she is woman and we are men lmao i wish you luck

Answer 2

While it may seem as though she is dwelling on the words rather than the deeds, it is possible that she is trying to justify to you the basis for her concerns about your marriage without sharing what is truly bothering her.

I don't doubt that the negative words were quite hurtful at the time (and let's face it they were probably meant to be hurtful at the time so it should be no surprise that they hurt), they are being thrown back at you now not because of the words but because of some more recents events in your marriage (maybe actions, maybe other harsh words).

Counseling may be answer if you both can't sit down and discuss your feelings/concerns without outside intervention, without a third party there you both might drop back into your familiar modes of arguing which will get you nowhere fast.

Answer 3

She is more affected by your words in argument (anger and passion) because she believes this is how you REALLY feel. She believes that true truth comes from unrestrained emotion. She doesn't believe in your actions because they could be just an act - doesn't believe in rationality.

Ya'll probably should get some counselling. The reason is that she needs to have someone to trust and unbiased - and you need someone that can verify what you say. She just needs to get to know you again - rebuild or build new trust if this is new to her. Ya'll may really have an opportunity for real growth - to change some hidden assumptions (nonsequitor in the subconscious) about relationships in ya'lls thinking and grow to a new level.

Good luck. If you like to watch flowers bloom, help your wife because I bet she has no idea she thinks this way and when it clicks - it'll change her whole perspective.

Answer 4

Hi, do you want to solve this matter?

Recenlty, my church is teaching about marriage during the normal Sunday Service. It is very good and I believe it will benefit you.

Now and tomorrow norning at 10am Singapore time, go to www.chc.org.sg .It has Live webcast on the internet. When you are in the Home page, look at the right side of the screen and there is a Live Wedcast icon. Click into it. You can view live on the internet.

There are also CD about Marriage can be found in the www.chc.org.sg wedslide. I recoment the one speaker by Kong Hee.

It teach you how to solve your problem and build good relation with your wife and have a better communication and understand.

Answer 5

have you tried gently talking to her, you love her don't you? then tell her sometimes that you may say things in the heat of the moment and she must not take them as gospel, but if that doesn't work then before you say these harsh words in argument stop and think take time out ,walk away from the situation and come back talking calmly to each other, remember the making up is great but don't argue the world is a much nicer place if we are happy.If you want try and court your wife like before you were married, take her out for dinner,to a movie or even a walk along her favoritepart of the town/city where you live, make her a meal ( even if you cannot cook ), breakfast in bed, a foot massage or general body massage anything just enjoy being together and i bet you will find that is what the both of you want TIME together to be lovers as well as best friends... Best of luck Jane x

Answer 6

Actions speak louder than words, but words can still deeply affect a person... especially a loved one. Personally, as humans, we tend to hold onto the negative aspects of life, often forgetting the positive. Like when we hear 100 compliments, we often just remember the couple insults. Not all wives hold onto the past and remember so vividly as to cry, but... perhaps your words were particularly hurtful to her? It'd depend on what you said to make her hurt so.

Sometimes... when people say other people are overreacting, they don't know the precise circumstances, so cannot judge, yet still do. With that said, I cannot say whether or not she is overreacting, because truthfully, even if you did not mean to consciously say it, you said it all the same, signifying to HER that perhaps this is what you thought of her unconsciously. If you said "I never loved you" in the heat of the moment, even if you did love her consciously, perhaps it's enough to make her doubt and think that deep down, you don't love her.

Marriage is so complicated... If she was hurt badly in the past, of course any mention of it will bring tears to her eyes. The wound is too new, unhealed, to mention events that hurt her. I suggest apologize, be a bit more sympathetic because (i know, i'm generalizing but...) generally women tend to be a bit more sensitive than men, very attuned to their own feelings. So whereas some men forgive and forget, women tend to feel and hurt longer.

Answer 7

Your problem is very common and the solution is not difficult. If your wife thinks some of the words you have utterred wounds her explain to her that the words were not meant to wound her. If she still thinks so apologize(you may actually have wounded her) and when you talk to her think well before saying anything. Please donot reciprocate by pointing out the times in which her words have wounded you. Word utterred are nothing but just sound which die just after they have been produced. Do not let them spoil your happiness and destroy your love towards each other.There is a poem by Thuruvalluvar which says'donot forget if anyone does you good, but forget immediately if anyone does you bad'

Answer 8

Firstly, women tend to do that, as they are mostly defensive, so assure her that you are in her side, same team.
Secondly, she cries but she's there, therefore she loves you and she wants to correct things, but she's weak to do it alone and needs to trust you with this.

Try to avoid any further arguments, try to work positively and build the trust again. Try not to promise her anything any further. Look into her eyes and think before you say anything and mean it..
Don't look at the past, dont compare times.. Just assure her that your love is the same and still flows. Look deep into her eyes.

Most importantly, if you do something good, don't tell her about it, don't bring it up, don't hold it.. Let it come out of you naturally. I think that there are no children as of yet, which leaves you with more space to get closer to her emotionally..
and listen to her, she might not say anything that means anything! But listen and dont advise, just be there. close. protecting. providing. and hopefully with time, she'll find that her home is within your arms.

Answer 9

As you know,women are very complex beings.Whatever you said to her has devastasted her,the first thing to do is 1.focus on truely apoligizing for your harsh words and hugging is always a good idea..Once she's a bit more possitive, youre gonna be fine,if you keep on playing your cards right. She is very hurt,so first "cuddle" and "pamper her(no cheap or heartless gifts,sumthing that is from YOU)"once her wounds are healed,you guys can work on the relationship.Take it step by step but keep the foundation of a marriage in mind.You love her,im sure your heart will lead you the way......good luck

Answer 10

Words can be the most powerful thing in the universe. I'm sure that your wife forgave you, but she will never forget all the negative words she received from you. Next time when you are angry at each other, wait till you calm down and then talk. Think before you speak!! You can never take the word back!!!