Serious Question for Mature People: Please Help?!?

Question

There probably isn't a correct answer to this. I'm just looking for some advice..

Short version: I met a wonderful woman thirteen years ago. We dated for about three years and then got married. We had two children and for the most part, had a happy marriage. I feel now that it really was a gift from above. And I sure screwed things up.

Now I'm not saying she was a saint, either. We both contributed to our problems. There was no cheating, abuse, or anything like that. My biggest sin was that she didn't trust me. Again - no cheating but I had a problem with compulsive lying and addiction back then. We got divorced. She since has moved on with her life, a new guy, and seems happy.

You never realize what you had until it's gone.

I still love her. But I don't want to be her...
I want her to be happy. To find the love, respect, and caring she deserved from me.

But I don't want love her anymore because I don't want to hurt so much. I want to let her go... please help me.

Just FYI - we've been divorced now for 3 years. I've moved on the best I can. Part of that includes re-evaluating my life.

I've been through the anger and denial phases. I guess I accept it as well. But the grief is literally killing me.

Not being able to be with her or be the father to my children that I should have been.

Answer 1

Concentrate on your relationship with your children. My father regretted divorcing my mother his entire life, and to avoid the pain, avoided us. The pain wrecked his entire life and neither he nor my mother were ever happy again. Sadly, my father died believing he had been a poor father and spent most of his time apologizing for it. It was a very sad situation and I wouldn't want anyone else to spend their life on 'what might have beens' like he did.

Answer 2

U are right, there's no easy answer and I hate to break it to u but there's a possibility that u may never get over her. I'm not trying to sound like a pessimist but if it's as good as u say it was then it would be difficult if not impossible to just forget it. I know it's been 3 yrs ago but I wonder if u are wanting some kind of closure to this. If u say she's happy now with her new life then at least be assured that she's in good hands although you're probably still asking yourself what if.....well, it was simply not meant to be. U have to accept that.
Just give yourself more time. Maybe 3 yrs is not long enough for u. It's different for everyone and maybe yours just takes a little longer than some people but it does get easier with time. Meanwhile u really need to move on with your life as she has done and who knows, u might find someone just like her and u will have a chance to start over again and not screw things up the second time around.

At least cherish the lesson learned the hard way.

Answer 3

Wow, last thing I want to do is give you the wrong advice.

I don't think you should fight loving her. You can still love her and accept letting her go. Your love will eventually change to a loving admiration. It is going to take time. One thing you need to do is not allow this to turn you back to addictive behavior. You need a support system behind you. Were you ever a member of any 12 step program? If so, or even if you weren't, it might be in your best interest to make some contacts. People in programs like that have gone through what you have on many levels. You need to be able to lean on folks right now and I can't think of a better suited group of individuals.

This isn't going to be easy and you are going to go through many phases. Some not so good. It's alright though. They are going to be necessary for you to reach a stage where you can begin to live your life again.

Whatever you do, don't allow this to consume you and don't turn what you feel for your wife or ex-wife into another addiction.

Stay focused and stay busy and take care...

Answer 4

First make your mind regarding this, you have the following choices before you:
1) If you truely love her, and want to see her happy: Move around her as a friend for sometime with an objective to win her heart. You will definitly find some change here, but sacrifice on petty things and then find out whether she is still really happy with the new guy. If she is still having inclination towards the guy, leave her for lifetime else your success story should begin from here and should end with reunion.
2) If you do not love her any more and doesn't bother about her status: Begin a new life you will definitly find a good partner who can accompany you in looking after your children.
3) If you do not love her and don't want to see her happy: In this case you have to help yourself in changing your mindset. Becoz you can not see a flop movie again and again, just to pass critics on it. In this way you will endup in making a flop movie a big hit. So, friend please take care of yourself in this case.

Hope, your choice is option-1. Be serious in your effort, you will defintly succeed. My best wishes to you.

Answer 5

First off you will always love her you had children with her and she was your wife so there had to be love there on both ends. You need to quit looking in the past because all you are doing is being stuck there. Yes you made mistakes but you have done the time for it and now it is time to move on from that and put the past behind you. If you keep looking back then you will never be able to move forward.

Answer 6

You must believe that whtever happens happens fr a reason, whn u love someone let them go if they come back to you their yours if they dont they never was, its been 3 long yrs, she has moved on, you are still soul searching dont do that, you so know wht went wrong, you want to see her happy shes happy as you see her, u need to move on, forgive and forget, put the past behind you, no regrets, in life u dont ask the question why so many times, let it go you, you will never be able to move on if you dont put the past behind you, find a new job in a diff state, move out of the house of youll shared it togheter, its a new beginning another day.... u will not make the mistakes you made from your past again, so pls let go.... i know its painful...

Answer 7

Everyone is very quick to pull the therapy card here. It is not always the right answer. Sure therapy helps, but it also costs. Since you have made your decision to let her go and move on, i would suggest putting it all down in writing just to free your head of it, get your thoughts on paper. If you are really brave, you might even see if she would be willing to meet one on one and just hear you out to say it to her as a way of letting her go. Not that you expect a response from her or that you want her to take any action, but to say it out loud and have her listen. You will always have some type of bond together because of the children no matter how old they get. I say self help is the best help.

Answer 8

I would say you are well on your way to healing. You have forgiven her. Now's the hard part: you need to forgive yourself.

Let it go, imagine cutting cords that lead to the relationship between you and her, and then understand that you are now free to continue on with your life as it is now.

When you are ready for a new relationship (and hey, that can just start as a friendship), go slowly and don't compare the new person with your ex.

Things will get better, and it will be sooner if you do forgive yourself.

Answer 9

Not sure how things ended with yall but is the possibility of being just friends there? That might be better then nothing but there again that kind of exposure might not be for the best... As my dad once said you cant change the past so make the best of the future...

Answer 10

You are going to need help from a therapist. The loss of a love is the same as a death. The relationship is dead & your grief needs to be delt with by a professional. Let her go,......let her be happy. Kudos for reaching out for help & admitting the wrongs of your past. Life is out there, you just need to move forward with yours now, happieness is still out there for you. Good Luck & Blessed Be!!!