please leave comments i need feedback this poem is called (life)?

Question

As I lie here on this cold trolley,
looking up at the bright lights,
bewildered, frightened,
not knowing where I am,
wondering how I got here,
what has happened to me,
thinking about life, how hard it is,
rushing here and there,
trying to live for today,
but what are we but skin and bones,
without feelings we are nothing,
warm blood coursing through our veins,
our heart pumping relentlessly,
and as I lie there the scene changes,
no longer do I see a young man,
there lies the body of a frail old man,
the fire burns less in his eyes,
he feels not the hand gripping him,
nor the tears that fall from her eyes,
that grey old woman sitting next to him,
looking as pretty to him as she always did,
that first time they met so long ago,
the darkness descending around him,
a feeling of warmth and comfort,
of knowing that his time has come,
the life he had so filled with love,
happiness and good times he remembers now,
a teardrop in the corner of one eye,

as he bids his loved one goodbye,
and then I realise that man is me,
that hand is yours, the tears real,
and so what do I conclude from this,that life be it ever filled with hardships,

twists and turns that make us strong,

is so very precious indeed to us,

but never any good without feelings,

Answer 1

liam, firstly, don't ever leave your poems lying about like that on the net!!!someone might snatch it up and claim it as their own. please be careful!!
anyhow, i thought it was brilliant, very honest and fresh. i love the fact that you didn't make it all wordy and abstract and metaphorical, its simplicity gives it its truth, if im expressing myself correctly. and it was sooo sweeet lol.the change of tone halfway through is lovely, like a sweep before our eyes. altogether, its very good at conveying experience, and the joy of living and love, and its as if you take us on this journey with you through the life of this person. great stuff, keep writing!!!

Answer 2

This, at least before the additions, is good enough so that every word counts, and there are a few places where I think you could do better. In line 10, "skin and bones" seems trite compared with your other phrases, and causes the seriousness to break down a little. Same seems true in line 12 with blood "coursing." Other people have used that combination many times. Line 13 could be omitted I think, or needs rewording. In the 4th line from the end, I think it might have more force if "his" were replaced with"the."

It is a good work of observation or imagination, and of expression, and has the power to reach a reader's feelings.

Answer 3

ok; this is good stuff. the secret to making good stuff into publishable, really good stuff, is to remove everything that is unnecessary to paint the complete picture.

i.e. let's take the line
"as i lie here on this cold trolley"
lets break it down.

do we need the word "as"? is it essential to the information conveyed by the rest of the sentance? no. so lets discard it. nothing wrong with it - but it takes up space without being descriptive or indispensable to the meaning.
"i lie here on this cold trolley"
have you spotted any thing you can do without?
the word "here" is a redundancy, just taking up space and betting in the way, like one too many cooks in the kitchen. see, you deal with where you are in the rest of the sentance "this cold trolley", so it isn't necessary to tell the reader where you are more than once. so, we ditch it.
what is left?

" i lie on this cold trolley"

simple, descriptive, without any tats and rags dangling in the wind. you want to kind of do this with every sentence you write, take every word and weigh it for importance and meaning. if you can live without it, do so. when you write poetry, you want to think lean & mean. a poem is usually short and quick, so you want it to pack as much punch as possible. poems are the sugar ray leonards of the literary world, novels being the george foremans :)
this doesn't mean you shouldn't use expressive language - just don't use excessive language:)

if you are serious about creative writing, there are a couple of books that are indispensable reads: (in my o-so-humble opinion)

on writing - by stephen king
the elements of style - by strunk & white

a good way to look at your work is to see how much you can say without actually saying it. for instance, in the poem "13 ways of looking at a blackbird", the author never uses the word "wing".
or take the 1st Alien movie...you never get a really good look at the monster - which is why it's so dang creepy. what you don't see is always scarier that what you do see. that's why so few horror movies are worth seeing. watch the movie "signs" to get a feel for this kind of writing.

one last tip...a poet friend of mine (published) gave me some great advice: take everything you write, put it away for 6 months or so, and when you haul it out again, most of the stuff you need to cut out will jump right out at you. this really improved my own writing.

this is good stuff - so keep at it!
good luck!

Answer 4

Quite good. But I'd have it stop after 'A teardrop in the corner of one eye'
The rest is redundant and detracts from the former part. It's understood by the reader who it is lying there, and who's sitting by him.

Answer 5

if you did not get this out of a book then it is very touching and very true you need to get it registered before some one else does keep on writng

Answer 6

Excellent, very romantic, sad and painfully true.

Answer 7

It is good...but you really shouldn't post your works here...they are not copyrighted and could be stolen.

Answer 8

damn this is soo emotional...i actually almost cried...U r a great poet...if this is truly your work..keep writing..U r blessed with the pen!

Answer 9

1st rate

Answer 10

i think its very good.