do you guys know any funny quotes or jokes?

Question

just curious looking for a laugh or something cool ^_^

Answer 1

A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale."

He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger, so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff!"



A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse fall's into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety.
The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper.

He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!

A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer.

The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story:

If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

Answer 2

I am unsure what you mean by 'quotes', but I know a couple of funny 'lines'. At a car dealership, when dickering over a car, say "Bring your wife in, and we'll dicker".... Get it? Also, "What do you get when you cross a pickle and a female deer"? A Dildo... Get it? What does a gay horse eat? hhhaaayyyyy... You say 'hay' but you stretch the word out, like a feminine 'gay' person would.... NO offense to anyone. But it is very funny, if you say it right. It does not take much to amuse me, so there you go. I hope you are amused, just a little..?

Answer 3

Life is full of emotions like laughing, smiling, crying, weeping, fear, hatred, jealousy and many more. Out of all these, laughing is loved and liked by all. That is why someone has rightly said, “ You laugh and the world will laugh with u, you weep and u shall weep alone.” Sometimes, life becomes monotonous and one starts getting bored. To remove such monotonousness and boredom, I feel that surfing on the following websites can be helpful in making one cheerful, refreshen up and gain some emotional or psychological energy too. Surf on them and see how helpful these are to u to bring a smile on ur face.
http://www.comedycentral.com/jokes/index.jhtml
http://www.ahajokes.com/
http://www.the-jokes.com/
http://www.lotsofjokes.com/
http://www.jokesgallery.com/
http://www.workjoke.com/projoke.htm
http://www.jokes2000.com/
http://yahooligans.yahoo.com/content/jokes/
http://www.xs4all.nl/~jcdverha/scijokes/
http://www.kidsjokes.co.uk/
http://www.ahajokes.com/yo_mama_jokes.html
http://www.allfunnypages.com/funny-jokes/yo-mama-jokes/funny-yo-mama-jokes.htm
http://www.africanjokes.com/africanjokes/?id_category=98
http://www.blonde-jokes.info/
http://www.zelo.com/blonde/index.asp
http://www.indiabook.com/jokes/Entertainment_and_Arts/Bollywood/

Please visit the above pages to find different variety of jokes. I hope, it helps u in making u laugh. Enjoy and have fun..

Answer 4

Here's some, especially from Cloughie my all-time favourite manager.

Brian Clough Quotes:

"I can't even spell spaghetti never mind talk Italian. How could I tell an Italian to get the ball - he might grab mine" - on the influx of foreign players.

On Eric Cantona's infamous kung fu kick at a fan: "I'd have cut his balls off."

"We talk about it for twenty minutes and then we decide I was right" - on dealing with a player who disagrees

"For all his horses, knighthoods and championships, he hasn't got two of what I've got. And I don't mean balls!" Referring to Sir Alex Ferguson's failure to win two successive European Cups.

After a life-saving operation, Clough gets sentimental: "Don't send me flowers when I'm dead. If you like me, send them while I'm alive."

The Rest:

'In football, if you stand still you go backwards.' - PETER REID

'The spirit he has shown has been second to none.' - TERRY VENABLES on Terry Fenwick's drink-driving charge

'No-one hands you cups on a plate' - TERRY MCDERMOTT

'There are two ways of getting the ball. One is from your own team-mates, and that's the only way.' - TERRY VENABLES

'If in winning we only draw we would be fine.' - JACK CHARLTON

'Shearer could be at 100 per cent fitness, but not peak fitness.' - GRAHAM TAYLOR

'We're going to start the game at nil-nil and go out and try to get some goals.' - BRYAN ROBSON

'They had a dozen corners, maybe 12 - I'm guessing.' - CRAIG BROWN

'I'm a firm believer that if the other side scores first you have to score twice to win.' - HOWARD WILKINSON

'We probably got on better with the likes of Holland, Belgium, Norway and Sweden, some of whom are not even European.' - JACK CHARLTON

'The first 90 minutes are the most important.' - BOBBY ROBSON

'When you are 4-0 up you should never lose 7-1' - LAWRIE McMENEMY

Answer 5

A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED!
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair. The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you.... you have no legs!" The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"

She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!" Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?" With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

Answer 6

Only in America do we leave the bank doors wide open and chain the pens to the counters...

Politics comes from the latin word "poli" meaning many and "ticks" meaning blood-sucking creatures

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Answer 7

well this is something that i found on one of my favorite bands website [afi] i thought it was pretty funny

interviewer: jade if you were stranded on an island what album would you bring with you?

jade: id build a sail boat out of sand!

davey: [confused look] what??

Answer 8

Dolly Parton "that boy is so confused he doesn't know whether to scratch his watch or wind his A$$" lmao

Answer 9

George W Bush is in the Whitehouse.
Sorry, I guess that's really more 'scary' than 'funny'.

Answer 10

If pro is the opposite of con, what's the opposite of progress?

:)