so many ways. She is 78 now and dying..I have been trying to forgive her and be loving; We had a fight one week ago (she was in the hospital)..I feel at least 80-85% of the fight was her fault. It is hard that I am always the one apologizing even when it is not my fault. I can only remember her apologizing a few times in her life to me. It is hard to reconcile when she will not meet me half way or even a little bit. I finally saw her yesterday and tried to make up..said I am was sorry even though I did not feel much at fault during our fight, she couldn't say much as she had a roommate and didn't want her to hear (she is in rehabilitaztion home for 4 more days which the hospital recommended she go to for a week. Still she made it known how awful she thought I was and how it was always my fault. When I said I was sorry, she said that I really upset her for being the way I was or so awful or something like that..when I said we have different personalities, she said (cont below)
2006-09-01 12:13:40 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
no you're just (gave disgusted look) which hurt me. When I asked did she not want to make up or forgive me, she said no, she didn't want that (only thing good she said). When I left, I was anger all over and upset again.
I have been working on a long letter trying to let her know how I feel (very much minimizing the true extent of my negative feeling), praising her mothering (avoiding much of the bad parts or minimizing them) and asking forgiveness and telling her I forgive her
2006-09-01 12:14:03 · update #1
I felt I had really come a long way towards truly forgiving and grown a lot in the last weeks. I have read helpful books on forgiving, but her reaction yesterday makes me feel, what's the use..I will never feel she loves me much, reconciliation isn't that important to her (as much as her false belief that I am awful and her being right at all costs is important to her).
I feel she will throw cold water on the words I will express that mean so much to me and nothing whatsoever will change..that she will focus on the honest (bad) parts of the letter and ignore the bulk which is good and probably get mad. Still I feel I must give it to do all I can to heal the relationship and help me after she is gone. Having strong ambivalent feelings will make it hard on me to let it all go and recover from her death (I tend to obsess on things).
2006-09-01 12:14:32 · update #2
Hundreds of people told me I am nice and many say I have a heart of gold. I have many strengths and have been told I have a lot of insight. My mom seems not to see or acknowledge any (or few of) my good traits and accomplishments. My question what can I do to deal with all these feelings (I do have a counselor--she's not that helpful though) and not let her throwing cold water or reacting not as expected reactivate my negative feelings towards her. I truly want to forgive her and reconcile and love her. She does not make that easy. I am torn up inside and it kills me that she can't seem to ever see anything right that I do.
2006-09-01 12:14:53 · update #3
I can honestly say i understand how you feel, to a point. My fathers that way with me. Everything I do is wrong. Nothing ever was, is, or will be good enough for him. I finally just decided, ya know what? I am me, he can love me as I am, or not. It doesnt matter because I like who I am. Stop Worrying over if she thinks your right or wrong, and so long as you can forgive her now thats really all that counts. Dont waste what time you have left giving in to petty fights. Just let go, you know who you are. Thats all that matters.
2006-09-01 12:24:47 · answer #1 · answered by mother_of_bonehead 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I understand how you feel, I've been there myself with my own mom. She was very abusive to me verbally and physically and she never apologized once. I wanted so bad for her to feel the pain she gave to me, so one day I wrote her a 4 page letter letting her know how she made me feel, but I never got the chance to know how my letter made her feel because she never said anything about it to me. I have felt bad because of it and never got the satisfaction I was hoping for. I had to let the pain go because she is no longer in my life. The best thing to do is not to let these arguments you and your mom have be your down fall, you need to except that she's not perfect and probably does not realize who's really at fault. If it makes you feel better to apologize to her for things that you feel you're at fault with then do it and let it go because your mom is set in her own ways and I doubt she will change. As hard as it may be to do, just except her and her faults and stop expecting her to apologize for her faults. It does nobody any good to sit and stew in their own bad memories of the other person, all it can do is make the pain worse. Stop blaming eachother and move forward, let bygons be bygons. The worse thing that could happen is she could pass away and hurtful words are said before then. Start over with a new look on life and let the past go. It will be better for both of you in the end.
2006-09-01 19:34:07 · answer #2 · answered by Vivian S 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wow. My brother and my dad have the same relationship and im going to tell you the same thing i told him. People like your mom and my dad are very stubborn or maybe something happen to them when they were little that makes them act the way they do with their kids. Either way you have to forgive them and move on with your life because no matter what you do they will always be the way they are. Basically you have to accept them for what they are even if they don't except you. I know how hard it can be, i have watch this kind of relationship turn physical (my dad and brother), just know that theirs other people who don't have parents at all so no matter how bad you think this is there is somebody who has it worse. I hope this helps you and i want you to know that it's not your fault. All you can do is love her and when you have kids treat them the way you've always wanted to be treated.
2006-09-01 19:23:07 · answer #3 · answered by concrete_rose 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
There's two ways to go here, both with consequences. First you could let everything go and put on a nice face because she is dying. Or you could air all your grievances and find out exactly why she feels the way she does about you or acts the way she acts with you. I personally think the healthiest thing for you is to discuss it with her and tell her exactly how you feel and let her know that if she wants to act the way she does, you don't have to stop by the hospital. Let her know you don't want the memories of your mother to be filled with anger and sadness. If it doesn't work at least you will know you tried everything you could and you stood up for yourself.
Best of luck.
2006-09-01 19:23:05 · answer #4 · answered by Jim B 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Moms can DEFINENTLY be that way. That is just the way they are because they feel authority over you. ALOT. You just need to drop all your differences with her and focus on the good things.Because all of this sounds kind of recent, so think of all the good things you guys used to do 5 years ago. Even if it was laughing together while she took you to school, try to think of something that your mom and you both like to rekindle all this. Start from there, and dont argue back anymore. She may be a total loser who doesnt know ANYTHING, which happens alot, but let her be that loser. Its her loss she may not undestand what you do. Just love her as a mom, because that what she is there for. To give you love, and for you to give it back sometimes.
2006-09-01 19:18:59 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
YOU MOTHER MAY HAVE SOME PROBLEMS WITH HER MEMORY. TRY VERY HARD TO BE NICE TO HER. SHE IS YOUR MOTHER AND EVEN THOUGH SHE SOUNDS LIKE SHE KNOWS WHAT SHES TALKING ABOUT SHE MIGHT NOT. TRY TO CHANGE THE SUBJECT, THAT DIDN'T ALWAYS WORK WITH MY DAD. JUST TRY NOT TO ARGUE WITH HER BECAUSE IN HER MIND SHE IS RIGHT. I REALIZE THIS IS A TRYING TIME FOR YOU BUT OTHERS HAVE BEEN THERE BEFORE. A SUPPORT GROUP FOR YOU TO TALK TO WOULD ALSO BE HELPFUL. THINKING OF YOU.
2006-09-01 19:20:19 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I know were you r comming from my mom is in the same boat i find the best thing is to realize they are lod and meds and age makes things worse i try not to dewell on the negative cause it depresses me i do my best to keep pace and when she says thing to start things w/ me you keep peace cause its good for you not any one eles just ask god to give you the ableity to see good in efvfery thing its not easy GOD BLESS
2006-09-01 19:29:13 · answer #7 · answered by Msdeb gee 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I just love these complicated ridiculously-long, meandering, single-sentence questions that no one can possibly answer! How the hell can we offer any kind of reasonably good response when we have no idea about the situation?
Thank god there is a character limit, or we have to read even more of this pathetic tale.
2006-09-01 19:16:01 · answer #8 · answered by drsteve362005 6 · 0⤊ 2⤋
I had to realize that the relationship i have with my dad is as good as it can ever be and all he is capable of. i have had to learn to consider the source and believe in my own self worth. it's really hard...
2006-09-01 19:29:00 · answer #9 · answered by psycho_mistress 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
make peace with her even if she's wrong. she's dying honey. if she dies before you make peace with her you're going to live your whole life in regret and sorrow. good luck sweetie
2006-09-01 19:17:58 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋