Ok, funky relationship here. Our official title is 'dating' but we've been together for 1.5 years. I have a daughter from prev. relationship. I'm mid 30s, she's mid 20s. She's worried about locking in to a relationship before having a chance to do her thing (school, career, perhaps dating as well). However, when I attempt to define our relationship with terms like commitment, etc. she pushes back. When I step back, she steps closer. She stays at my house all the time, calls me terms of endearment, takes me to family functions, etc. She never cheated, but has gone out a few times. Guys I don't know call her sometimes, but she's ALWAYS with me. Occasionally she'll go out. Now, she started a new semester at school. I get the feeling she likes to attract guys, but not to close the deal, just for ego boost or whatever. I just don't like it. She's been wearing perfume and makeup to class, something she doesn't normally do. Sometimes I just wonder why. Any help out there?
2006-09-01 12:01:06 · 11 answers · asked by oldbutperhapsnotwise 1 in Social Science ➔ Gender Studies
Some more details here. She's a beautiful woman and I'm a good looking guy. Neither one of us would have trouble finding another person if we did split up. I guess I'm concerned about approaching her on this. Should I discuss it with her? And if so, how do I do it? Or do I ignore it, go about my business...? Sometimes it irks me. I feel like, if she's going to go play, then I am too! I can get girls' numbers, etc. I just know that if I do it, I'll end up sleepin with the chick. It seems different. A guy can approach a girl, and she can say, "we're just friends" and mean it. I feel like I'd be leading a girl on. This girl I'm dating now doesn't have many friends at all. None close to her around here. Other girls, she says, don't seem to like her. Guys then, become more of an option as friends. I'm ok with that, but in my opinion, she should introduce me to them... even if our official title is only 'dating'.
2006-09-01 12:56:12 · update #1
Believe her when she says she's not ready to settle down. It sounds like she's telling the truth there.
2006-09-01 12:06:55 · answer #1 · answered by Catspaw 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Dude...you have to "cut bait" before you get too involved and one of you gets hurt. She sounds like she cares about you but the age difference may be something that will ultimately get in the way. She is going to school and has male friends that call. That right there sounds like she is leaving the door open to other possibilities. If you have noticed a change in her appearance(which you have stated) her mood or overall habits( she is late, on the phone or Internet more that usual, or starts going out on a more frequent basis) you may be in for trouble. You sound like you are looking for something a little more long term than what you have right now with this girl. Also, how does she feel about your daughter and the prospect of future plans?
These are things that have to be addressed in order to move forward with this relationship.
2006-09-05 13:02:14 · answer #2 · answered by Pray 4 Mojo 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Always maintain the high road in your actions. The length of your relationship is truly irrelevant to its actual status. I think she's acting in a very insecure manner, wanting to know if she's ready for a commitment, but it's good that she's not jumping into one just because it seems she might have a good life with you. She has to be ready for that, but it sounds as if she needs to grow up a little bit yet.
Allow her to go to school and try to help herself that way. I'll bet she takes you to family functions because she knows her family approves of you being stable. If these guys calling her are just friends, that shouldn't be a big deal, but if she has just started dolling herself up, then there's a reason. Eventually, you'll know if she's looking to hook up or is just looking for an ego boost. Tell her how good she looks, and do it more often. But I wouldn't be jealous if I were secure with myself - if you are, then any attention she gets from guys at school shouldn't bother you.....as long as she doesn't follow through with any of it.
I'm just throwing out ideas as they pop into my head. I hope you resolve this with minimum angst. Good luck.
2006-09-01 19:13:32 · answer #3 · answered by wheezer_april_4th_1966 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Yeah. Decide what it is you want from this girl, ask her and then move on when you get the negative answer. You are her safety net. Women don't like her because she's a teaser, and shallow. We find that sort of thing rather disgusting in other women.
You, frankly, are in another place and time, and she's not ready to settle down and play house. In other words, you are too old for her. Move on.
2006-09-01 22:23:28 · answer #4 · answered by tjnstlouismo 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
What she has done is create a situation where she can cheat without guilt. By not "officially" dating you, she can see/do whoever she wants and when you finally confront her about it, she'll say, "well, I never thought we were dating."
You should do what all women go for. Treat her like crap. Ignore her, change YOUR habits. Then she'll come running.
Or, you could act like an adult, and actually DISCUSS it with her.
And when she does dump you, stop dating strippers, they're hot, but crazy.
2006-09-01 20:43:54 · answer #5 · answered by eric_hates_spam 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It seems to me that you're somewhat of a father figure to her. She enjoys the safety of your "nest" and at the same time she wants to do things that are quite normal for her age. She would probably have a hard time to spread her wings if she didn't have you to fall back on. At the same time she doesn't want you to "stand in her way"while she's experiencing everything she wants to. I think she must love you though. She wouldn't feel safe with you if she didn't love you at least a bit.
2006-09-01 19:09:21 · answer #6 · answered by chocolatebunny 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Yes, that is reason enough.
There is also the chances that you are the sure thing to her, but also she wants to get attention from other men. Even if it is just for ego boost, it is wrong if she already got you.
Open your eyes, dont waste time and start doing the same, just to see if she likes that attitude.
2006-09-01 19:06:14 · answer #7 · answered by Carlos A 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
There's no reason to be jealous.
If you want a deeper relationship and she doesn't, stop cheating yourself out of a chance to be free for someone who will fall into your arms when you "define [the] relationship with [the term] commitment."
2006-09-02 01:49:24 · answer #8 · answered by divabylaw 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Ya, it seems she wants to have a boyfriend, but with no strings attached...so she can do what she wants. She wants you there when it's convenient. She wants to..play the field, but have you as a backup in case she can't find something better...but that's just my opinion.
2006-09-01 19:09:55 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
hmmm.....gut feelings ....sometimes us girls wear make up around other girls....i dunno....just something we do...would you believe this....girls dress for the club...not to empress men...but to over dress other females....in class you sit close to people...maybe thats the perfume reason...i always wear parfume when i am going to be around anyone.she is young...maybe still have some of that high school stuff going on....give it time...next time tell her shes pretty in her make up and you don't really remember her wearing it before...or...something like that....we usually spill the beans....
2006-09-04 05:00:01 · answer #10 · answered by Chocolate_Bunny 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋